Doctor Who and the Log Police

Dippy stewardess Tegan mistakes the Tardis for a portaloo on her way to the airport and stumbles inside. Unfortunately her visit coincides with a spot check by interplanetary sanitary squad the Log Police. The Doctor Who (4) protests that in all his 900 years since 1963, no one has ever asked to avail themselves of bathroom facilities. The toilet taskforce flash their search warrant and, just beyond John and Gillian's prison, make a horrifying discovery. Round the back and out of the way where they hoped no one would notice, companions Susan, Ian, Barbara, Vicki, Steven, Katarina, Doodoos, Polly, Ben, Jamie, Victoria, Zoe, Liz, Jo, Sarah Jane, Harry, Leela, Romana, Adric and Nyssa the pisser have left their logs in a vast fetid pile of waste. The Log Police offer to say no more about it this time just so long as the Doctor Who pops straight down to B&Q and installs some proper toilets and so he does. Tegan, Adric, Nyssa and her dad the Master happily avail themselves of the new facilities. But they can't shake off the feeling that they are being watched. The Master chases a wraith-like peeping tom onto the gantry of a nearby radio telescope and sends him hurtling to the ground. The companions gather neatly round and rip off the voyeur's disguise. "So he was the Doctor Who all the time," says Adric. Racked once more with shame, the Doctor Who is forced to degenerate into new Doctor Who (5) who manages a wan smile. Then, bidding the Master a fond farewell, they set off for a well-deserved holiday in Castrovalva.

Archivist: Suthers