In a Fix with Sontarans

Left: A Sontaran in a fix.

Gareth Jenkins, aged 8, gets to be The Doctor Who because frankly he is spoilt. I wrote to Jim'll Fix It several times requesting that I be allowed give Peri a bath but I was ignored. IGNORED! Not only that, but Jenkins demanded that his nan make him a The Doctor Who outfit and he had also a tent that was like a TARDIS. Will this greedy child ever be happy? Find out by watching 'In a Fix with Sontarans' available via Tartan video.

Archivist: Garr

Mission to the Unknownest Planet of the Unknown

(William Hartnell and popular game-show host Bagpuss chatting backstage at Children in Need - 1965)

The Doctor Who doesn't even bother to show up for this one (probably at Children in Need or having another of his little 'lie downs' or something). Anyway, who needs him? This bloke sees a gang of Boobahs drinking cider on the corner of his street. Fearing that this might mean trouble ahead, he attempts to contact the authorities but a Boobah nicks his mobile phone and the rest give him a kicking.

Geordie won't shut up about his precious anomalies either. 'Everything is grand Geordie' roar the viewers.

Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and the Fires of Up Pompeii

The prologue: Oooh no, missus. No, listen. Doctor Who the tenth, well, he brings Donna to Pompeii. To see Francis. I mean Lurcio. Well he doesn't want to mix with riff-raff. No? Oooh, please yourselves. Anyway, titter ye not. He comes to stay with Ludicrus, his wife Ammonia and their daughter Erotica. Anyway, no, listen. Listen to Francis. Doctor Who discovers that Albert Steptoe has fallen through time and is demanding back rent for when crochety Doctor Who did a runner from his time in Totty Lane. But is this the end? Nay, nay and thrice nay! For Doctor Who realises that the only way to defeat the evil Steptoe is to drown him in lava. Poor Steptoe! No, titter ye not. So he uses his sonic screwdriver to make Mount Vesuvius erupt. Oh it erupts for Frankie.
Epilogue: Doctor Who and Donna carry on up the vortex. No, listen... Oh, please yourselves.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Curves of Androzani

Doctor Who the fifth has been acting strangely ever since Peri ran around in that bikini. She catches him several times lurking around the Tardis in a bid to check out her giant bazookas. Finally he plucks up courage to ask her out to a rave on Androlloydwebbery plus they take in a show, Phantom of the Opera. Peri's still not really interested so Doctor Who pretends to get shot. When that does no good, he gets some Es off the barman. Finally, reverting to his deep-seated wickedness, he slips some rohypnol into her Bacardi and Coke and she passes out. Doctor Who can barely believe his luck as he quickly carries Peri's limp, curvaceous form back to the Tardis to have his evil way with her. But no sooner has he thrown her to the floor than the excitement becomes all too much and it is all over for him. Doctor Who feels such shame that his body is forced to degenerate once more. Doctor Who the sixth wakes up to find Peri leaning over him, bazookas bulging, and cruelly deriding his lack of libido.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and The Enemy Without

Moffat settled back in the leather chair of his new office at Upper Boat as he contemplated the future. The Time Lord's future - or should that be his past, he thought with a chuckle. What richness of ideas he might employ weaving strands of time with the mysterious fabric of what scientists were now calling the multiverse!

BEEEEEEEP! An annoying noise of the intercom jolted him from his creative musings. “I'm sorry, sir, but I've got that Russell T Partridge on the line again. Insists he needs to speak to you.”

Moffat picked up the phone with a sigh. “Rusty. Are you still in that Travel Inn? What is it this time?”

“All hail the Mighty Moff! Aha!” came the reply from the panting buffoon. “Listen, I've had another brilliant idea for a story. Epic stuff. The planets are all popping out. Pop, pop, pop. The Doctor Who races off to the Shimmering Falls of Shambolicness via the Wake of Finnegan and Rainbow of Finian, finds the Vest of Verbosity and Pants of Putrefaction just in time. Then pausing only to pop round to Rose's for a nice cup of tea - because everyone stops for a cuppa, very English – he siphons off the energy and diverts it out the back of the Tardis through the Conservatory of Continuity and everything is ticketyboo.”

“Listen Russell. I've told you. It's my show now...”

“Wait! How about this one. Doctor Who idea for the Beeb No 253. Donna's in the launderette, washing her smalls making faces at the Doctor Who through the window. Suddenly all the washing machines start shaking violently, their doors burst open and an army of 50 million Cybermen march through... Think of the ratings!”

“Goodbye Russell!”

“I can add Daleks... Slitheen?”

Moffat slammed down the phone and put his head in his hands. This was supposed to be his dream job. How had it ever come to this?”

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Unravelling of the Daleks

Doctor Who the sixth gets news on the time-space visualiser that his old friend Davros has been kidnapped by an army of mutant zombies on the planet Necros. He speeds there with Peri in the Tardis only to discover that the zombies are being brought back from the dead by none other than Mr Copper, off of Titanic, and his floosie. Doctor Who shoots them dead then bumps into Blackadder and Baldrick and gets them to help him break into the Restawhile old folk's home where the resident zombies have turned poor Davros into a real-life Magic Robot guessing game just like in the Fifties, or was it sixties when you wondered how on earth the magic robot knew (which was no relation to Garr's magic upskirt robot dog) but of course it was all about how the mechanism or magnets or whatever it was were arranged! Anyway, Mr Balowski, off of The Young Ones, is keeping everyone zombified by being a Dads' DJ and playing lots of middle-of-the-road crapola and embarrassing you in front of all your teenage mates by dancing like a loon. Luckily Doctor Who discovers that the real Davros is safe and hiding behind the curtains and calls his old friends the Daleks to take him safely back to his real home on Skaro.

Archivist: Suthers

Boob Town

The Doctor Who the northern and Rose appear to have got their relationship back on track. But she notices he's getting home later and later every night from his new job in Cardiff. "It's OK. I've just got a lot on," he says when she challenges him. "But I don't even know what it is you do," she complains. The Doctor Who sits Rose down and, idly twiddling her minge, explains how he is a top scientific advisor. "Wot, like wot you was before for UNIT?" she asks, stuffing her face with chips. "That's right," says the Doctor Who, "except in those days I was helping taffy grow big fat luminous maggots. Now, by 'eck, I'm advising on an exciting new project t' build power stations." Rose seems happy with his answer. But next night, as she is going out for some chips, she spots him in the local bistro apparently canoodling with a rather large lady. Rose bursts in and confronts the pair. "Er, it's OK," says the Doctor Who. "This is t' Mayor, my boss. We're just, er, discussing power plant." Rose runs from the restaurant, cheeks flushed. How could she be so foolish and humiliate the man she loves. She feels more relaxed as she dusts around the Tardis, until a glance at the time-space visualiser reveals the terrible truth. For the Doctor Who has failed to log out, and the screen is filled with a vile, flesh-filled page of debauchery from the Big Buxom Wenches website for bouncing-boob lovers. "Damn you Peri, screams Rose. "Damn you for inciting this lust in the Doctor Who that can now never be sated."

Archivist: Suthers

The Doctor Who Chances

Continued from The Empty Bitch

Rose awakens from a terrible dream where Mr Meldrew's army of zombies are attacking the Doctor Who the northern. Her Doctor Who. Then reality hits her and she is filled with despair at the memories of the night before. Fighting to see through the tears, she makes her way to the console room. "He said stay in your room, slag," shouts John from his prison cell. "No, you must go to him," calls Gillian. And now Rose is speeding, half naked, through the streets, daisy petals falling from her minge. And she is running through the hospital's cold corridors, the walls are a blur. She can hear his voice. Rose bursts into the room. "I'm so sorry, Doct..." And suddenly she freezes. For he is there. But so is Jack. Captain Jack Rimmer. And the Doctor Who is showing Jack his banana. Rose turns and runs. "Rose! Rose!!" cries the Doctor Who the northern. "Go to her, Doctor Who," says Captain Jack. "You need her." And now the Doctor Who is running through the corridors. He catches up with Rose. They fall into each other's arms. Racked with guilt, Jack turns, fires up the Red Dwarf and shoots off into space. But then a strange thing happens. As the Doctor Who and Rose gaze into each other's eyes they realise they both need Jack. And racing to the Tardis, they set course for their next destination, the Red Dwarf. And the Doctor Who cries; "Just this once, everybody loves!"

'For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Rose and her Homeo'

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Empty Bitch

You can cut the tension with a knife. The honeymoon is over for the Doctor Who the northern and Rose and don't they just know it. "Where you going'" "I'm goin' to comedy club." "When are you coming back?" "1941." "Are you taking the whippets?" "What's it to you, bitch..." How could it ever come to this? And the recriminations. "So you're back then, as 'eck as like." "Yeah, well, you seem to have 'ad a good time." "Who was he?" "He was no one. Just... Jack. Someone who made me laugh." "Are you my mummy?" "Fook off, kid." "But why, Rose. I love you." "It's not enough. And where's me chips?" "Are you my mummy?" "I told you to fook off." "Don't do this to me, Doctor Who." "I gave you fookin' everything." "Where are you going?" "Out." "Where?" "The 'ospital. Victor Meldrew's doing a charity gig, so you can fook off with Captain fookin' Jack." "But you twiddled daisies in me minge." "Face it, bitch. It's over. Go to your room!" Silence.

To be continued!

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Invasion of the ITV Monsters

Flashback time and Jackie is telling a bedtime story to baby Rose but Rose asks, once again, about her non-existent Dad and Jackie says, "I told you he was a lumberjack and a tree fell on him in Canada," yeah, right! And baby Rose plots revenge on the man who made her a bastard...
Fast forward and the Doctor Who the northern is leaning, with his arms crossed on the Tardis and staring like he does, and she tells him about evil Dad. And he says, "when I said the Tardis could travel in time like," and she says, "yeah but you were twiddling daisies in my minge and that," And then he giggles and suggests why don't they go back in time and find Mr so-called Dad and push him under a car or something!! Brilliant! But Rose gets it wrong, like a girl, first time and the Doctor Who has to go back in time again and do it himself. But then something terrible happens. Someone flicking the telly back and forth between the Doctor Who and Buck Rogers or some shit has caused a tear in the space-time TV continuum and now the pterodactyls off of Primeval on ITV are all invading Doctor Who. But the Doctor Who don't care cos he is getting all loved up with Rose again and they're off up the vortex.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Dentistry of the Daleks

The Doctor Who the all teeth and curls is fed up to the back, er, teeth with being called the horror of fang rock behind his back and so decides to visit the dentist for the first time since he was crochety Doctor Who in The Bumfighters, as already chronicled. He discovers his old friend Davros has set up a dental clinic on Skaro with lovely Movellan girls as his nurses and hygienists. Doctor Who has to wait while Davros attends to some bleeding Androgums but then is swiftly dealt with. Davros admits that his clinic is not terribly busy due to the local Dalek population not having any teeth, so Doctor Who suggests he should use his talents and chemicals to produce some more Daleks instead. Then, teeth fixed and mouth rinsed, he whisks Romana away for another adventure.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Dusty Bin of the Daleks

The Doctor Who the seventh challenges his old friends the Daleks to appear on popular quiz show Bullseye with Jim Bowen but they look in the TV Times and immediately fall in love with a sexy dustbin on a rival quiz show 3-2-1. So Ted Rogers gives Doctor Who two fingers, or three in fact, and the Daleks go in for 3-2-1 and win a car and a holiday but, best of all, their very own Dusty Bin which they take back to Skaro and bonk senseless. Jim Bowen tells them "Look at what you could of won" and gets the Clangermen on Bullseye instead.

Archivist: Suthers

The Doctor Who and the End of the Attack of Time of Death and stuff that really doesn't matter a f**k and that

The Barsteward is leaping around about the place acting like an eejit in this scarp yard so The Doctor Who goes there to chase him around the place for a laugh. Wilf is there too with a gang of old mates (but they aren't old in a scary way, more old in a 'young at heart' way and hence less repulsive to the non-pension collecting demographic and therefore telly-friendly). The Doctor Who goes to a cafe with Wilf. They eat buns.

The Barsteward dresses up as Hannibal Lecter for Halloween (it's actually Christmas but, y'know, he's a bit mixed up what with the drums and all) and gets invited to a party by some random fiendish types who seek immortality or some guff (forget it, it's like Lucy suddenly producing a magic anti-Barsteward potion from her pyjamas, it really doesn't matter a f**k). As a party trick, the Barsteward turns everyone into him. "I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together", doesn't say the Barsteward because he isn't the Walrus (he dressed up as the walrus a couple of years ago - see Last of the Timespanks deleted scene - but actually forget it because, like the random immortality seekers or Lucy's pyjama potion, it really doesn't matter a f**k).

Anyhoo, a bunch of Timelads show up led by George Lazenby (of Remington Steele fame) and raise a bit of hell because ...well forget about exactly why because, like the random immortality enthusiasts, Lucy's family making a potion (huh?) or the Barsteward's walrus venture, it doesn't actually matter a f**k. The Doctor Who starts fooling around with a gun and shoots an important furnishing and The Barsteward hands Lazenby his ass on a plate and then goes off some place (not sure where, probably doesn't matter a f**k) and then we reach the really important part. . .

. . .RTD, um, no, I mean, . . .The Doctor Who does an extended curtain call and tweenies all over the UK, and various appendages thereof, weep buckets. Hungover dads belch, mams pretend to be interested, dogs and cats snooze and it goes on a bit. Then the Ood write a song with nice Mr. Gold and Enya and then the TARDIS starts to explode (why? you ask, doesn't matter a f**k says I) and then there's this new The Doctor Who standing there talking about having possible gender reassignment issues and laughing at his dire predicament re: TARDIS exploding around him as if he doesn't give a f**k.
Archivist: Garr
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