Doctor Who and the Reindeer of Death

Archivist's note: This was the BBC's festive offering for 2009.

The Doctor Who is in Lapland. Alone once more - apart from a film crew. Trampling through the snow. He knows he is near the end. He is the ONLY ONE LEFT. The laws of time will obey him - he's gone bad.

Director: "OK, luvvies. Action!"

The camera shows the Doctor Who momentarily bemused as he spots the Tardis buried in snow, surrounded by inquisitive reindeer. He raises an eyebrow then gives a knowing smirk.

Director: "Cut!"

The Doctor Who is on his mobile. "Listen, Ramsay. I've found the merchandise. Correctamundo. Enough to fill your freezers many times over. But it's gonna cost you. Yeah, I could use the sonic. But nah. You know me. Always happy to use a gun - just not when anyone's watching."

The evil the Doctor Who pauses to think, then continues. "If you think I'm gonna hump those carcasses into the Tardis, you're a bigger mother than I thought, Gordon. But I've had an idea. I think I might be able to get them to come to you - I'll just have a word with the Director. Hah!"

Moments later, filming resumes. The Doctor Who has hitched the reindeer to his mysterious blue box. With a maniacal laugh, he rides Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Donner, Blitzen and Rudolf away into the vortex... and to their certain doom.

Archivist: Suthers

Earthshocky

Adric keeps looking at people doing mad things in the nude on the Space Time Visualiser and standing back and putting his hand to his mouth and giggling and then kind of creeping forward and rewinding and watching again. He's being really weird around the girls too so the Doctor Who decides that he must die. Being a pacifist, the Doctor Who sets it up so that his old friends the Cyberlads can arrange a little accident for Adric. The Cyberlads, who are spending their time checking out old Who vids and hanging around with spandex clad modern dance types in caves, agree to help the Doctor Who as they are a bit bored anyway. Seeing as the Cyberlads have arranged to do in Beryl Reid they decide to throw Adric in on the deal and hit two birds with one stone but it's not a stone it's a giant spaceship and it's not two birds but one Earth!!! Adric finds a computer on the giant spaceship and becomes so preoccupied with trying to download people doing mad things in the nude and standing back and giggling with his hand to his mouth that he completely forgets to get off the massive huge spaceship before ...KABOOM! Poor dinos but mammals happy, ...mmm fur!

Meanwhile, on the TARDIS, the Doctor Who, the two girls, and the Cyberlads are goofing around with Adric's stuff for the laugh and leave it all over the floor and broken and that. Everyone forgets about Adric by Heathrow teatime and Geordie's anomaly is grand and only causes the happy music at the end to vanish.

Archivist: Garr

Midnighty

The Doctor Who is on the last bus home with a bunch of spazez. The biggest spaz is Sky because she keeps repeating everything the Doctor Who says in a whiny voice and making him look a propa biatch. Here is a sample of the script taken from Russell Tea Davis' book 'E-mails I Sent Whilst Drunk or Over-Tired'.

The Doctor Who: Is that you Sky?

Sky: Is that you Sky?

The Doctor Who: Stop copying me!

Sky: Stop copying me!

The Doctor Who: You're being annoying!

Sky: You're being annoying!

The Doctor Who: (thinks, smirks and then says) I'm Sky and I'm a big poo pants.

Sky: I'm the Doctor Who and I'm a big poo pants.

Jethro: (points at the Doctor Who) Owned!

Anyway, The Doctor Who is getting really fed up with Sky making everyone laugh at him and then they all get in a strop with him coz he's like being a proper biatch and that's not cool so they try and get the bus conductor lady to throw him off the bus and there's nothing the Doctor Who can do coz he's like Sky's biaaaaaaatch. EPIC FAIL! OWNED! LOL!

Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and the Worriers of the Deep

The Doctor Who the fifth visits the seaside but discovers that the local fish people are all in a terrible tizz. Icthar has emerged from the ocean with a nagging fear that he might have left the gas on. His Silurian chums are fretting about the weather while Sea Devil colleagues are worried that they won't measure up in the trouser department. The Doctor Who takes them all to a fishing contest to take their minds off their anxieties and they thoroughly enjoy the experience. Unfortunately fighting breaks out at the weigh-in when the winning scores are contested but organiser Commander Vorshak refuse to measure the catches again. The Doctor Who is left complaining "There should have been another weigh."

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Bumfighters

(Featuring the Beast of Steven)

The Doctor Who the first is more crochety than usual thanks to toothache. He can't find an NHS dentist so steers the Tardis to Tombstone (not of the Clangermen) for a cheap offer by the local sawbones. Steven signs up for work at the local ranch in Brokeback Gulch where his eye is caught by handsome cowpoke Larry Grayson. Dodo hears a strange rustling - some cattle are being stolen. And someone keeps singing. She goes to alert Steven and is shocked to find him pursuing a terrible agenda with Grayson. The two men pretend nothing has happened and Steven marries Dodo, his childhood sweetheart, and has several children. However, whenever the Doctor Who or Dodo look round, Steven and Grayson are at it again, making the beast with two backs. And someone keeps singing. The Doctor Who calls in Doc Holliday and Wyatt Earp to sort out the scenes of depravity developing at the so-not-OK Corral. The two men look at each other as if to drawl "Have I the right?" before going in all guns blazing. The Doctor Who breaks the fourth wall by turning to the camera and saying "Let that be a warning to you, children" before heading off into time and space.

Archivist: Suthers

Attack of the Cyberlads or Who Deleted All the Pies.

The TARDIS is working again and turns into some stuff you have in the garage but wish wasn't in the garage but will always leave in the garage. Meanwhile, some stuff happens that really should be happening in The Sweeney and Brian Glover is there and my brother still thinks he was the singer in Bad Manners. Disgusting coated The Doctor Who plays a trick on Peri that isn't really funny and is kind of creepy actually and but she laughs it off in a nervous way and thanks God that shop on Jaconda sold pepper spray. Then these Cyberlads start hanging around underground, lording it up as if they are Yetis or giant rats or something and one of them has a belly on him from too much crisps, pies, and lager and he meets Lytton and crushes his hand and blood comes out and it's only teatime and do you remember that time Peri was in her bikini in the one from last year?

Elsewhere, Geordie gives Data some advice on social small talk before seeing to the trifling matter of a little anomaly that turns out to be perfectly grand.

Archivist: Garr

Tribulations of a Timelad - One to Four

His menopausal symptoms abating more so, The Doctor Who is put on trial by Mrs. Bisto Sagacity for crimes against fashion. The Doctor Who is offered Rupert the Bear as defence counsel but declines and instead opts to defend himself by shrieking indignantly and puffing out his chest. The Doctor Who starts boasting about the time he and Peri met your one off the Carry On films, not Windsor, the other one, y'know, what's her face, no not Hatti Jacques either, the other one that was kind of a mixture between those two, y'know, Carry on Screaming and all that. Anyway, the Doctor says that there was this huge toy robot and lots of good humoured light banter and such and everyone finds the story OK, if a bit flat, except this knob in a black hat who keeps interrupting the story and throwing in his own bits and muddling stuff up. I think it might've been Michael Grade.

Meanwhile, Geordie discovers an anomaly that causes a pretty good effect to be seen briefly but it's just an exception that proves a rule and everything is grand.

To be continued! Next Time: Peri takes a leave out of Britney's book and goes skinhead.

Archivist: Garr

Planet of Firey Fire Planets

Peri is in a bikini and Kamelion starts acting like a knob and pretending to be her dad and freaking her out and she's in her bikini. As Peri is in her bikini the Bar Steward shows up but he's only a tiny little bollix and Peri, who was in her bikini, goes to kill him with her shoe. Proper order Peri, now quick, change back into the bikini! Peri's bikini bit is good and she's kind of wantonly unconscious for a bit in her bikini and Turlough discovers that he is from a planet that is ruled by Department S and has people around Turlough's age on it so he opts to leave the TARDIS (just as Peri bikini is coming aboard which is a bit of a dumb thing to do) and Peri is in her bikini and The Doctor Who fires Kamelion (hence the 'fire' in the title) because he keeps breaking down and anyway now The Doctor who has got Peri and her bikini so who needs a broke robot that helps the Bar Steward? Peri is in her bikini as Geordie Peri anomaly bikini grand.

Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and the Caber Tosser

The Doctor Who number two was alone and stretched out in the Tardis sauna, a towel lightly draped around his waist and delicately running his fingers up and down his recorder. At that moment the door opened and in strode the proud, handsome form of Jamie, the young Highlander that the Time Lord had picked up in that Inverness nightclub all those weeks ago. But this was the first time that the Doctor Who had set eyes on the Culloden cross-dresser without his skirt. A frisson ran through his body as he watched the Scot slowly disrobe, his muscles rippling and the skin taut around his firm youthful limbs. "Er Jamie, why don't you come and sit over here," said the Doctor Who in his low but gentle growl, patting the slats of the wooden bench. "Och, helloo thair, thu noo, oor Ductorr Whoo" replied the young companion. "Ah didnae see ye throo thu steam, thu noo." Jamie lowered his firm buttocks onto the bench beside the Doctor Who. The Time Lord's two hearts were beating so fast he could hardly breathe. Dare he risk it? Jamie's eyes were closed and he was enjoying the heat of the steam when suddenly he felt a hand descend on his sporran. The Scot was up in a moment. Up on his feet. He pushed his face into that of the Doctor Who. "If ye evair try that agin, ye'll be askin fur a Glasgee handshake," he warned before grabbing his kilt and swiftly striding naked out of the sauna.

Archivist: Suthers

Death To Them Daleks

These must be the crappiest Daleks ever. They make their entrance to the music from Andy Pandy but without the lyrics (LOL) and then their guns don't even work (FAIL) and then get beaten up by a bunch of lads with sticks!!! (OWNED). The Daleks are so scared of the lads with the sticks that they team up with The Doctor Who and The George Galloway. The George Galloway tells the Daleks that he salutes their courage, their strength, their indefatigability, and conveys his heartfelt eternal greetings and fraternal support. However, he then goes on to say that they are as immoral as a neo-con cabal, as plutocratic as the 20 year olds who were more popular than him in Big Brother, and as crap as Hitchens (which is true, although at least they are sober). The George Galloway then gets on all fours and pretends to be a cat which totally confuses the Daleks so they are now confused as well as frightened which makes them the super crappiest Daleks ever! (FAIL + OWNED = FAWNED!) These Daleks are so crap that they even play with toy TARDISes! (EPIC FAIL + LOL = EPFALOL!) and they have even taken the toy TARDISes out of their packaging which decreases their value somewhat (EPIC FAIL + OWNED + LOL + OMFG = EPFAWNOLFG).

Anyhoo, an ugly little bollix that sounds like that bear from Avid Merrion's show turns up for a game The Crystal Maze and everyone hides in these lazily dug square holes in the sand that are probably meant to be naturally formed or something and the whole thing is like a rainy seaside holiday with the cousins you hate and everyone keeps rowing and Geordie finds an anomaly in his sand castle but it just turns out to be a ciggie butt that was discarded by a BBC electrician and everything is grand. LOLS!

Archivist: Garr

The Evil Face of the Face of Evil or The Day God's Pad Went Mad

The Doctor Who looks forward to copping an eyeful of the Oneforthedads tribe and so heads off to the planet Oneforthedads, where he once ran a small computer repair business (that he used advertise by leaving up cards on the message board in Tescos and that kind of thing). Arriving, The Doctor Who is very disappointed to discover that only one of the Oneforthedads tribe is actually One For The Dads and that the rest are merely 'for the birds'. There are invisible things there too that generally make a nuisance of themselves but make up for it by being inexpensive.

Anyway, turns out that The Doctor Who was crap at fixing computers and one of them has become a right e****. So, instead of tricking the computer into dying or getting the Oneforthedads tribe to smash it (because being a pacifist he can't kill it outright himself) The Doctor Who decides to repair the thing with the proper recovery disk this time. The Doctor Who realises that this means he'll lose his file of saucy pictures of Oneforthedads tottie he put on the e****'s harddrive years ago but he also realises that it'll be worth it because the computer is really being a total dick although not quite as much as a dick as that BOSS fella who was bat**** nuts and had giant maggots and all that. The Doctor Who then heads off with the Oneforthedads who is actually One For The Dads and later discovers that she likes sticking knives in people and poisoning them so he gets her a dog to teach her responsibility. Meanwhile, Geordie discovers an anomaly that has caused the BBC to actually commission a 'comedy' show starring Messrs Little and Large to be shown either before or after The Doctor Who Show (I can't remember). Anyway, it certainly is not grand.

Archivist: Garr

The John and Gillian Adventures (Spin-off)

Sunday afternoon in John and Gillian's cramped attic in Shoreditch. Gillian attempts to do the ironing and ignore John's constant hectoring. John slouches on a nearby armchair and makes pointed remarks about Gillian's wealthy background, calling her "the good Lady Pusillanimous" and generally belittling her. The hectoring grows into a tirade and concludes in a physical confrontation, resulting in the ironing board overturning and Gillian's arm getting a burn. John storms out the front door.

Gillian calls on her old pal the Doctor Who (a.k.a. Grandfather?) to help and he duly arrives. However, when the Doctor Who comes in the door Gillian sees that he has regenerated into a fierce plug-eared northern man (Alan Sillitoe stylee) in a leather jacket who has finally gone too far and wiped out two whole species. "You're hurt because everything's changed", Gillian tells him, "and John's hurt because everything's stayed the same". The Doctor Who regrets dumping John and Gillian back into the mundane existence they sought to escape almost as much as he regrets wiping out his entire species because he was angry and Northern and life's unfair unless you're a fancy southern sort.

The Doctor Who takes Gillian away for an adventure involving things that look quite like Daleks (but aren't because they couldn't get permission from Mr. Nation's estate) and John returns to find a note. John then takes up with Gillian's friend who looks a bit like Leela (only with jeans and t-shirt drawn on her and with a new name) however this doesn't last long when Gillian returns and resumes her relationship with John. John breaks down and roars something about how the Doctor showed them the stars and furthest reaches of space and the most remarkable things. He asks Gillan how she can go back to "all this blah, blah, blah?" He roughly grabs Gillian's shoulders and demands that she scream or roar or at least say something. Tears brim in Gillian's eyes and all she can do is turn away from her deranged lover and bury her head in her hands. She mutters something about being pregnant. The lights dim, the curtain descends, Geordie notices an anomaly that may indicate that John and Gillian are, in fact, brother and sister ...but no one really cares and it's grand.

Archivist: Garr

Mission to the Unknownest Planet of Unknown

The Doctor Who doesn't even bother to show up for this one. A bloke sees a gang of Boobahs drinking cider at the corner of his street. Fearing that this means trouble ahead, he attempts to contact the authorities but a Boobah nicks his mobile phone and the rest give him a kicking.

Geordie won't shut up about his precious anomalies either. "Everything is grand Geordie!" roar the viewers.

Archivist: Garr

Galaxy 4

Doctor Who gets tired of Galaxy 3 so he drops in next door to discover a troop of delightful young ladies along with charming Chumblies, rascally Rills, Telly Tubbies, Clangers, and perhaps strangest of all, ...the mysterious Boobahs.

Meanwhile, Geordie is still going on about anomalies but everything is grand.

Archivist: Garr

Snaky Dance

Of all the companions ever it is Tegan who has been most eager to fly the TARDIS and tonight Matthew(?) she does, taking the gang to Manumission where her ne'er do well chum O'Mara is doing a 'set' on the 'decks' (young adult speak for putting long players on the gramophone). There's a rich bloke with big ears called Lonny whose Nintendo Wii is broken so he gets bored and just lays around on the chaise longue all day being rude to his mother. He's delighted when Tegan and O'Mara show up with their decks as it gives him an opportunity to take substances from E Space and imagine he enjoys the company of working class people for a while. Meanwhile, the whole Geordie anomaly thing is getting old but what can you do? There he is again, spotting the old anomalies, fixing them, making everything grand. We'll miss him when he's gone.

Archivist: Garr

The Christmas of the Damned

The big ship sails on the Ally Ally Oh except it's not the Ally Ally Oh it's outer space and the big ship is the Titanic and the Titanic is crap and always sinks*.

Two fat ignorant people are on the ship ruining it for everyone by being fat and ignorant and dressing stupidly. The Doctor Who is nice them so that he can trick them into dying later which he does and they do. The Robots of Death are on the ship also, dressed up all Christmassy and pretending to be the Ood. Kylie Minouge is on the ship and she is beloved of the gays as is the Doctor Who but the Doctor Who is not a gay he is ...well he's not really arsed but he does like to manipulate the emotions of women that are far younger than him because it makes him feel full up inside, or at least a little more full up. Anyway, the Doctor Who sets to work on Kylie Minogue but she dies while she is trying to run over a severely disabled man in a fork-lift, which is surprising because no one would ever have guessed that Kylie Mynogge could drive fork-lift as it isn't really part of her usual working day and anyway don't you need a certificate or something. I knew a girl called julie drove one for a while and she got a cert and made good money out of it but not as much as a pop singer LOL.

Little Mo from Eastenders has had better Christmases than this but at least the gays are happy with their agenda ruining everything for me and Aunt Dolly who is very sensitive to such things and often in need of smelling salts. Oh, and there's a guy called the Bananalattecafe or something in it too but he's only a little bollix so forget about him and Geordie is on the Titanic going on about anomalies but everyone's too busy wondering if the meteoroids are actually meteorites and if they are how come they are on fire before passing through Earth's atmosphere so it's grand.

Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and the Anomalies of the Grand

A strange anomaly in the space-time continuum draws the Tardis onto a planet where everything is grand. After coughing up a grand to Ken Dodd for the toll fee, the Doctor Who is forced to run the gauntlet of a thousand grand pianos that have mysteriously lined up along the Rio Grande but evades them by fleeing into the Grand Canyon. Exhausted, the Doctor Who checks into the Grand Hotel, Brighton, to find Wilf, Donna's Grandfather, waiting for him. They settle down for a few beers while watching the Grand Prix, then stick A Grand Day Out With Wallace and Gromit and Le Grand Bleu on the time-space video-recorder-machine-type visualiser. Garr arrives with his mate Geordie and gets a smack for his trouble.

Archivist: Suthers

The Doctor Who and the Children of Gallifrey - Day Five

OMFG!!! Jack. Pwned. Epic Fail. LMFAOLMNOPELICAN!

Archivist: Garr

The 4,5,6, in Up in Smoke (spinoff)

Tommy Chong plays 4, a jobless alien monster who is kicked out of his house by his father. 4 manages to trick 5 (played by Cheech Marin) into picking him up off the side of a highway by posing as a woman with large breasts. They roll up and share a large child. Police discover that they are stoned and arrest them. At their trial, the pair are released on a technicality after the judge is discovered to be drinking vodka. In an attempt to procure some children, they visit 5's cousin 6 (Tom Skerritt). They narrowly escape a police raid on 6's house, but are soon deported to Tijuana by the INS, along with 5's illegal immigrant relatives (who just want a free ride to a wedding).

In order to get back to the United States they arrange to pick up a vehicle from 5's uncle's upholstery shop but arrive at the wrong place, a child warehouse, and end up unknowingly involved in a plot to smuggle a van constructed completely out of "kiddie-weed" from Mexico to Los Angeles, with an inept police narcotics unit hot on their heels.

Along the way, 5 and 4 narrowly avoid arrest, despite, at one point, being pulled over by the police (luckily for them, the officer gets high from the smoke coming from their van), and pick up two women, who later convince them to perform at a Battle of the Bands contest. The film concludes with their band, Alice Bowie winning the contest, and a recording contract, with a performance of their song Earache My Eye Stalk due to large amounts of kiddie-weed smoke being accidentally funneled into the building directly towards the audience.

Archivist: Garr

The Doctor Who and the Children of Gallifrey - Day Two

The Doctor Who pops back next day to see the 456 and everything seems a bit different but he commences negotiations anyway over John and Gillian's fate. The aliens looks bemused but then realise they're talking at cross-purposes, LOL, and tell him, "Oh not you've got the wrong mothership. We're the 457. The 456 live across the road!" And an embarrassed the Doctor Who gets in a right two and eight, and he's all at sixes and sevens when he should be on cloud nine but he spouts his "sorry, I'm so sorry" guff, explains he's been working 24/7 and leaves. Before he gets to the 456 he pops into the 7/11 on the corner, cos he likes a little shop, but gets ripped off so he resorts to violence as usual and give them the old one two and a bunch of fives and someone calls 999 or 911 or whatever and he realises his number's up.

Archivist: Suthers

The Doctor Who and the Children of Gallifrey

Gwen's got it wrong. Typical girl. FAIL! The Doctor Who never turned away in shame. He just never knew about it, right, cos the time-space visualiser was on the blink again and anyway Martha Jones never phoned him up cos she was too busy getting all loved up on her honeymoon, silly bitch. Doh! FAIL! And the Doctor Who is kicking himself cos he knows he's missed a trick here and had his best chance yet to get rid of John and Gillian. TRIPLE FAIL! But then the Doctor Who has a wicked thought and decides he can reset the coordinates and go back in time and get together with the 4,5,6 and see if he can pass John and Gillian off as quality stuff, like sort of Gallifreyan Gold. And OK that might be breaking the rules, interfering with events, fixed point in time and all that but WTF! And the Doctor Who gets to the mother ship and the 4,5,6 are all lolling about and like totally out of it and passing around the kids and it is impossible to have a proper conversation. And the 4,5,6 start giggling and one of them thinks he's a tree. But then it gets nasty cos one of the 4,5,6 who's a bit of a bully accuses Kevin, who's slumped against the opposite hull, of bogarting that kid and it like totally ruins the party atmosphere and the Doctor Who decides to come back another time for John and Gillian's "innoculations".
To be continued!

Archivist: Suthers

The Doctor Who and the Return of the Attack of the 4,5,6 of Death.

Richard returns to the 4,5,6 mothership with one tenth of the Earth's children in tow. "What the bloody hell did you bring them back with you for?" asks an irate Janet, tentacles waving angrily in the mist. "I need friends" says Richard, "you and Miles are acting all grown up and I need someone to play with". "You're such a child!" says Janet, and goes back to reading Just Seventeen magazine. "Well I am only eleven" says Richard and then suddenly pukes up. Janet's magazine lowers and her eyes peer angrily over the top (on their stalks). Richard smiles sheepishly, "I had too much Earth jelly" he admits. "Clean it up and if one of those kids scrawls on the mothership walls with crayons like the ones from the 60's did I'm dumping you all off on the surface of Midnight" warns Janet.

Archivist: Garr

The Doctor Who and the 4,5,6.

The 4, 5, 6 are in their mothership lounging around bored when Richard says, "let's go back to that funny little place, what was it called again, planet Earth." Miles affects a yawn of pronounced nonchalance and declares himself bored of invasions. "But we could really make something of it this time, turn it into a real occasion" argues Richard. "And how do you propose we do that?" asks Miles, fanning himself with last season's summer programme whilst in languid repose upon a chaise lounge that has seen better days. "We'll promote ourselves this time, we'll put up posters, tell them we're coming, we'll go on Pebble Mill, we'll really give it a go" answers Richard, hopping to his feet and pacing the room excitedly. He continues, "we could make a viral, something creepy but compelling." "How about we hack into the small ones, the ones who love eating crisps and calling their female parental units 'cows', we could get them to herald our return, it would be quite something" suggests Janet as she looks up from her sudoku. "Oh, wooooonnnnnderful" exclaims Richard, leaping a little into the air and clapping his hands, "that'll put the wind up them, we'll be the talk of town."

"Oh, I'm not sure, the whole portentous foreshadowing business is no guarantee of success, just look at those sleeper cell hook armed chaps, whatever happened to them, does anyone care?" mumbles Miles, sitting up and stretching. "Well I'm not doing another panto season with Biggins" protests Richard tearfully, "I'm bloody invading and doing a bloody good run too, one week only, my name will be up in lights, you'll see". He runs out of the room. Miles just looks to Janet and shrugs.

Later, Richard arrives on Earth to underwhelming reviews, not even The Doctor Who showed up and the whole publicity campaign was obviously counter-productive to his invasion plan. "It's just not fair", he confides to Janet. "You should have gone through the darkness" she says. "Oh the bloody darkness, everyone's doing that these days," Richard hisses and storms out of the room.

Archivist: Garr

The Doctor Who on the Planet of the Not So Hot Chicks

It being almost three decades since his last visit, metro-sexual The Doctor Who the hair-gel arrives back on the planet of the Hot Chicks and goes to check on his old pals the Crue. The guys in the Crue are doing fine thanks to surgical re-upholstery and copious amounts of mood enhancers. The Hot Chicks are faring less well however, having mutated into MILF creatures after falling victim to some cut-price surgical preservation. No longer being able to turn the heads of the Crue, the chicks earn some extra cash via the use of web-cams, ...they try to frame the shots so their fat husbands (who all seem to be called Stan or Gus) can't be seen sitting in front of the TV at the other end of the trailer roaring "get me a beer you goddam tramp". It is a lesson in bitter sweet irony for metro-sexual The Doctor Who the hair gel. He walks back to the TARDIS all forlorn and glad that at least Jamie didn't have to see this.

Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and the Water Board of Mars

The Doctor Who the going-slightly-mad-thanks-to-the-infernal-John-and-Gillian drops in on Mars but is captured by a robot called Inspector Gadget or something and taken to an colony of Earthlings. There he discovers that they have given a new meaning to the term "colonic irrigation" because water is pouring in from a burst pipe or something. So the Doctor Who rings Mars Water to complain and is left hanging on the phone listening to some muzak and thus discovers the torture called Water-Boarding. Adelaide calls a plumber but he sucks in air through his teeth and says "It'll cost yer". The Doctor Who finally snaps and kidnaps the entire colony because he's the ONLY ONE LEFT - conveniently forgetting about John and Gillian! OMG! Fail! Then he takes them all back to Earth. John and Gillian take the opportunity to get on the X Factor where they create a new form of torture by singing. They embarrass the Doctor Who by winning acres of space in the trashy tabloids which dub them "Jillian" to save space. But the ordeal is too much for Adelaide who shoots herself.

Archivist: Suthers

The Doctor Who and the Planet of the S***e Posts

The Doctor Who arrives back on the World Wide Web planet of Vortis to discover Zarbi and Menoptra adopting pseudonyms and plugged into the Animus where they talk utter s***e.

Zarbi Republic says: I pass a place called Pond Villas on my way to work every morning. I wonder if Amy Pond lives there. LOL.

Then Menoptraboptra says: The TARDIS is pretty big. Who keeps it clean? I can't even keep my car clean. LOL.

Then Zarbi Republic says: There are plenty of threads about cars on the car forum, there is no need to start threads about cars here.

So Menoptraboptra says: I wasn't really talking about cars I was talking about the TARDIS being clean. This is the TARDIS part of the forum is it not?

And Zarbi Republic goes: Yes it is the TARDIS part of the forum but you should be on the RETARDIS part of the forum. LMFAO.

So Menoptraboptra says: You can't talk to me like that. It is against forum rules.

And Zarbi Republic retorts: Back seat moderator eh? Who died and made you Animus?

And then Menoptraboptra goes: I wish you'd die.

But then, all of a sudden, some guy called Giant Ant Canoe Head Ballet Tights Camera Basher comes on and says: I think Doctor Who should be cancelled and you are both Timetards.

And then the Animus comes along and says: Enough. I'm locking this thread.

So then The Doctor Who finds another thread of the Web upon which Menoptra and Zarbi are discussing who would win in a fight, Predator or Mr.T., And that thread gets a bit heated and someone infers that someone else is a Holocaust denier and The Doctor Who sighs and logs off.

Archivist: Garr

The End of Credulity

This episode may be lost in the sense that it hasn't quite been broadcast yet, but there can be no doubting its canonicity.

The Doctor Who the Tenth announces his plans to degenerate to join U.S. TV. His boss Rusty Pantsonfire runs around in a panic for several days before a sudden glint appears in his eye. He calls on his old Irish stereotype pal Eamonn Andrews to plan a special edition of That Was Your Lives to celebrate. The Doctor Who is lured into a trap by the Ood monsters where Eamonn presents him with the Big Red Book. He is whisked to a studio where all his old friends including Ian, Barbarella, Dodo, Daleks, Chumblies, Clangermen, the Master, Donna, Rose, Martha, John and Gillian, Wilf, Jamie etc etc regale him with tedious stories. Most of the other Doctors turn up by Doctor Five is sent down the wrong path. He wails: "There should have been another way."

Archivist: Suthers

The Dirty, Flirty and Bertie Patrol

Dirty the Doctor Who the rrrrrrarely rrrrrrrremembered takes Ace to meet his old friend Bertie Bassett the handyman and his pet Sycorax on the planet Picnmix. She is astonished at his liquorice body armour and quips “I suppose it takes all sorts!” The Doctor Who and Bertie look at her blankly so Ace is like “I said, it takes all sorts. Geddit?” More silence and then tumbleweed blows through the Tardis and the Sycorax growls and bares its teeth. The Doctor Who attempts to end the awkward silence by saying “Liquorice, eh? I have to say that rrrrrrreally I prrrrrefer some hard liquorrr.” Ace could do with a handyman herself and faints at the thought of a hard licker and the feral grandchildren John and Gillian take advantage of the confusion to rip off Bertie's arm as a snack but the sweetieman stops himself regenerating by siphoning off the energy into a candy bio-matching receptacle, namely his hand, that hand there, his candy spare hand. Since sadness is banned they all have a jolly good laugh over the misunderstanding, and then the Doctor Who keeps everyone laughing by recalling in detail the magic death of Adric.

Archivist: Suthers

Drags On A Bit Fire

The Doctor Who the rrrrarely rrrrremembered seventh is questioning his sexual identity, so when he mishears over the time-space visualiser that “bums go to Iceland” he eagerly sets course there in the Tardis straight away. The Doctor Who is browsing just past the “ready-meal s***e for a pound” freezers in the second aisle when he discovers a long-lost colony led by his old Liverpudlian friend from Till Death To The Daleks Us Do Part (already documented), Scarse Gitz. The Doctor Who is playing spoons with Gitz when Mel spots them and orders them both out of bed this minute! Completely sick of the irritating child, the Doctor Who looks the other way while allowing Gitz to kidnap her. Alone again and mourning his “loss” with a celebration drink in the nearby cafe, the Doctor Who is informed by his socially inadequate waitress Ace that this particular Iceland is actually a spaceship which newspaper tycoon Citizen Kane is driving around the cosmos to deliver copies of his odious tabloids. “Rrrrrrreally? Well we'll see about that, the little rrrrascal,” says the Doctor Who before pulling the plugs out of their sockets causing all the freezer cabinets to defrost and the spaceship to melt. Confidence in his sexuality restored, the Doctor Who decides to take Ace up the vortex and away they spin.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Thai Meddler

The Doctor Who the 35th tossed his golden mane over his shoulder as he stood gripping the balcony rail of his luxury suite on the type 70 Tardis, watching star systems drift by. They'd mocked his Cornish accent when he said “Oh, oi'd loik ah bit of stargazy poi, sum cyder and a pasty.” But what did they know? Lots of planets had a s***hole. His new state of the art time vessel was his reward for bringing peace to the universe. Daleks were working with Clangermen, or those new-fangled Cybuslads, to revitalise deprived areas of the universe. Chumblies and Drahvins toiled hand in hand in harmony. He had even been spared further confrontation with his former nemesis the Master – or so it seemed. And now he had a beautiful new companion to put Rose and her infernal daisy-strewn minge out of his mind at last. A Thai beauty, Sam Ters Jeko, it said she was called in the Radio Times cast list. This would be their first night together. At that moment, Jeko's voice summoned him back from within his bedchamber, And then he was wrapped around her at last, his hands gently caressing their way down Jeko's body. Suddenly he froze, rigid with shock. How was this possible? Was Jeko a ladyboy? And then Jeko was speaking in familiar words that ricocheted around his foolish, blond head: “Oh, my dear the Doctor Who. You have been naive.”

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Croutons

The Doctor Who the number two's Tardis is racing out of control through the vortex, hurtling towards the very beginning of time itself. When it finally materialises, the Doctor Who, Jamie and Zoe step out to find an early Earth apparently devoid of life except for the presence of vast supplies of primordial soup. The Doctor Who and his chums tuck into the soup with gusto before Jamie remarks on the very tasty, crunchy croutons. The Doctor Who is alarmed and commands his companions to taste not another drop. Examining the croutons with his sonic screwdriver, he finds that they appear, in fact, to be a minute form of rock. Suddenly the tiny rocks begin to pulsate with a peculiar glow, and the Doctor Who is startled to discover that they are a highly intelligent life-form, though without any form of plinth-type support. The Croutons begin to address the time travellers in a somewhat pompous fashion, glowing as they intonate. Sod this for a game of soldiers, says the Doctor Who, and they get chomping once more on their not-so-superior-after-all supper dish.

Archivist: Suthers

Holby City of Death

Martha Jones bumps into a stranger on her way to work at the hospital leaving him so badly injured that he has to be rushed into casualty! It turns out to be the Doctor Who the tenth but she soon has him tucked up in bed. The Doctor Who is feeling a bit randy cos he is still missing Rose and so he gives Martha a saucy wink and invites her to get in between the sheets with him and flashes his sonic screwdriver. Martha giggles but then Hattie Jacques comes in and Martha says sorry matron and she is so in trouble. The Doctor Who is amazed at all the attention he is getting from lots of soap stars off of Corrie and that fat dim bloke off of EastEnders, no not Barry but that other one that used to run the video shop, you know, Nigel. Plus Patsy thingy, wife of that Noel Edmonds out of Oasis. Doctor Who is having a laugh with new friends Peter Bowles and James Bolam until Doctor Victor Constantine tells them to shut up. Then the Doctor Who's old friends the Judoons pop in to visit him and find him fighting the Stig and the other Stig off of Top Gear. They go to the Moon and back and then, in a moment of complete frustration and madness, the Doctor Who kidnaps Martha and whisks her off into the vortex.

Archivist: Suthers

Trod

Now the Doctor Who the first gets summoned over the space-time visualiser by alien collector Henry van Winkle of UTube, Arizona. It is like deja vu all over again or Groundhog Day in reverse or something, making the Doctor Who especially crochety despite him presumably being the first to be summoned. Van Winkle has found yet another "Monstertron" that he cannot identify. The Doctor Who enters the creature's cell and is horrified at what he sees. Before him stands a cone-shaped robotic creature in chains - a Trod. The Doctor Who tells van Winkle that he has been ripped off by his alien dealer with a second-rate, comic-book monster and should demand his money back. Then before heading back into the vortex, the Doctor Who reveals he has been very taken with the array of torture apparatus in the cell and, with a mischievous twinkle, asks if he might install similar in the quarters he has prepared for his own "grandchildren" John and Gillian. Van Winkle refuses to license the technology and so the Doctor Who gets all crochety again and tells the ungrateful sod that he can go forward in all his beliefs and multiply.

Archivist: Suthers

Dalek

In a peculiar foreshadowing of the Doctor Who the northern's own encounter with a Chumbley, poofy the Doctor Who the third again gets summoned over the space-time visualiser by alien collector Henry van Winkle of UTube, Arizona, this time with companion Jo Grunt. Once again van Winkle has found a new "Monstertron" that he cannot identify. Poofy the Doctor Who agrees to enter the creature's cell and is horrified at what he sees. "I must insist that you let me out immediately" he demands, rapping at the door. "Unless I am very much mistaken, this is a Dalek and not to be trusted." Jo feels a peculiar frisson run through her body and asks if she might take a look.

* * *
A few hours later, and the Doctor Who and Jo Grunt are off up the vortex, leaving everything well, apart from a few dozen Dalek-massacred bodies. They laugh and congratulate themselves on a successful adventure. But three months on and Jo finds the Doctor Who puce with rage after thumbing through his latest issue of Sluts Illustrated. She cannot deny the truth as she is confronted with the shocking image of her naked form draped around the mutant from Skaro.

Archivist: Suthers

Scottish Bad Wolf

The Doctor Who the tenth and Rose romp in the heather until the approach of a carriage interrupts their fumblings. An escort rider rebukes Rose for her nakedness. But the Doctor Who goes all giggly and says if you think this is naked you should of seen her when I was threading daisies through her minge and that. And then Queen Victoria sticks her head out of the window and says naked, eh? and commands Rose to step forward and Rose says sorry for her nakedness, the noo, but the Queen says she doesn't mind a bit of nakedness and does Rose fancy a bit of lady fun. But the outrider reminds Her Majesty that they have to call at the local castle where a Bad Wolf is terrifying the monks and they have a laugh about monk-ey business but the Doctor Who kills the monster with his sonic screwdriver so everything is OK. However, Queen Victoria is so offended by the earlier rebuff that she tells the Doctor Who that he seems a bit fishy so she is setting up an institute, Codwoorth, that will be an anagram of his name and work outside the Ministry of Fisheries and Food to hunt him down. Then they bid each other a fond farewell and it is off into the vortex once more.

Archivist: Suthers

Nude Earth

Rose is still puzzled by the change in her man. He has turned into the Doctor Who the what-what-WHAT? And as they lie naked on an alien pasture, she wonders if she can ever re-ignite that old spark. The new, chisel-jawed Time Lord seems hardly to notice her. "Neww-ah Earth-ah!" he declares. "And down there, the city-ah!.. New New New New New New New York-ah! Oh yes!" Rose glances around at the grass and thrusts her pelvis towards him. "Look at all them daisies," she says. " I was wonderin'... d'you wanna twiddle..." But he is away again, eager to reach the city. "But me minge!" she cries. "No worries," replies the Doctor Who. "Down there are the cat nuns. I'll have pussy galore!" "Wot, you really wanna go there?" asks Rose. "Correctamundo!" the Doctor Who declares, and then his eyes narrow. "Plus I've got a re-match with some chamois. Allons-y!" Belatedly, the Doctor Who notices the disappointment in Rose's face and his manner changes. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he says... "but don't worry, Rose, there'll be a little shop - there'll be chips!"

Archivist: Suthers

Ass Reunion ...or something.

The Doctor Who and Rose (bottom throbbing from a discreet late night 'correction' at the hands of The Doctor Who as Mickey slept) travel to a school where The Doctor Who says they will get the chance to redden many a young posterior. However, the school is not quite the St. Trinian's The Doctor Who expected and corporeal punishment has been outlawed some decades by the time they arrive. Anyhoo, they meet Sarah Jane and Sarah Jane tells The Doctor Who that she loved him and Rose doesn't like this because she loves The Doctor Who because he's like a lively little puppy dog that gets sad sometimes and needs saving and has great bed hair, aww. The Doctor Who meets Buffy's dad, or whoever he is meant to be, at a swimming pool. There is a lot of tension at the pool and it's a bit like the old Bronski Beat video where Jimmy Sommerville makes eyes at that thug down the municipal baths and, as if that's not enough, Buffy's dad is called 'Head', give me a break, they are like soooo doing it. Anyway Mickey tells K9 that he loves The Doctor Who and K9 says that he loved The Doctor Who too and even used soooo hump his leg. And these giant bats get school kids to do their maths ekker (70s Dublin parlance for homework) and they love The Doctor Who and they are sooo doing it as were Bill and Ben the Flower Pot Men, Bond and Blofeld (see, there it is again, BLO...feld), Laurel and Hardy, the Lone Ranger and Tonto, Tom and Jerry, Simon and Garfunkle, Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant, Noan Chomsky and Christopher Hitchens, Keith Harris and Orville, John Noakes and Shep, Rodgers and Hammerstein, Ro-Jaws and Hammerstein, Darth Vader and Obi-Wan, mods and rockers, God and Satan, matter and anti-matter, the beginning and the end, night and day, the sun and the moon, smoke and mirrors, snakes and ladders, swings and roundabouts, boom and bust, things and other things associated in anyway with those things, your left shoe and your right shoe (of the pair your wearing right now), Amnesty International and violations of human rights, Wembley Stadium and that huge beam of light from that 80s Quatermass where John Mills played Quatermass, and, finally, Geordi and his anomalies. Grand.

Archivist: Garr

The Slipper and the Rose

Rose runs back into the Tardis, her eyes brimming with tears, and throws herself sobbing onto the bed. How could she be so foolish as to abandon dear, sweet, faithful Mickey for this feckless, cowardly, northern stranger. She feels so trapped and so very far from home. "We tried to warn you, slag," laughs John from his cell across the way. And then the Doctor Who the ninth is back, standing in the doorway, his shadow falling across the counterpane. Rose glances at him. He is holding a slipper. Her crying subsides. "You've been a very naughty girl, Rose," says the Doctor Who, tapping the item of footwear gently in the palm of his hand. "I'm going to have to punish you." Rose lifts an eyebrow. Then her mouth curls into a smile. "You're going to have to catch me first," she giggles.

* * *
An hour later and her thighs are burning but Rose's cries and laughter still echo through the Tardis's labyrinth of corridors. All is well and Rose is happy that she stayed. But as she lies face down and closes her eyes with a contented smile, the Doctor Who appears strangely troubled. His mind is far away, on a distant world with mountains, orange skies and silver-leafed trees, remembering some very different slap 'n tickle such a long, long time ago.

Archivist: Suthers

Chumbley

The Doctor Who the northern gets summoned over the time-space visualiser by alien collector Henry van Winkle of UTube, Arizona, who has found a new "Monstertron" that he cannot identify. The Doctor Who agrees to enter the creature's cell and is horrified at what he sees. "Lemme out!" he cries, hammering on the door. "It's a feckin' Chumbley!" Rose is shocked at this show of weakness from the man she once loved. "Let me look," she says. Before her, in chains, stands a multi-domed alien around a meter tall, sprouting a number of rod-like arms and with its balls dangling to the floor. Rose reaches out to touch the creature. They both feel the electricity flow between them. There is a passion, a chemistry there that has long gone between her and the Doctor Who.

* * *
An hour later and Rose and the Chumbley, now in a state of relaxed collapsedness, are lying sprawled across the cell floor, the gentle light from van Winkle's torture apparatus playing on their naked bodies. Rose's body hair is newly decorated with Drahvin daisies from Galaxy 4. She is nibbling chips. She has never known such joy. But then their peace is shattered by a pathetic whimper through the cell's closed door. "Rose, 'ave you killed t'feckin' monster yet? Is it safe t'come in?"

Archivist: Suthers

Last of the Time Spanks

You've been a very naughty boy said The Doctor Who and The Barsteward bit his bottom lip as if he knew just what to expect. Martha was puzzled. She had spent a year traveling the world, telling The Doctor Who stories (her favourite being Mr. Roberts' I Am A Muslim) to keep everyone happy and restore their faith in The Doctor Who and then this happens. She looked at the two time benders and knew that the whole conflagration, the one that had cost the planet Earth one tenth of it's population, was part of some elaborate game.

The Barsteward's eyes swiveled. He first ran this way and then another as his bewildered wife beard gazed on befuddled. The Doctor Who gave chase, although The Barsteward didn't seem to be running very fast and the whole thing looked a bit ...y'know. The Doctor Who vigorously wrestled The Barsteward to the ground and exposed his evil bottom in front of the whole room. "There, you see!" exclaimed The Doctor Who but no one knew what he meant, not even Captain Jack and he even knows about mad things to do with stop-watches. The Doctor Who thrust his hands deep into his pockets and began to rummage. "We'll see what we can do about your mischief young lady" he said and no one was sure who he was talking to. Then, The Doctor Who produced a long spatula and began to soundly thrash the Barsteward, who began emitting fey little gasps of pseudo displeasure. Martha gathered up her family, The Barsteward's wife beard, and Captain Jack and shepherded them out of the room. "REGENERATE! REGENERATE!" roared The Doctor Who (half smiling) as The Barsteward (suppressing a slight smile of his own beneath his little gasping performance) refused. "Defiant to the last eh?" said The Doctor Who producing a table tennis bat and knowing all the while that all he had to do was press the reset button and this transgression would be forgotten by most of the population but not Martha, who would hopefully be inspired to take a hike. Geordi found the incident anomalous but, on consultation with Mr. Cornell, grand.

Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and The Irate Planet

As the ripples of space-time subside, Doctor Who the fourth finds that Pugwash and his chums have disappeared and been replaced by the cartoon-like Mr Men. But Mr Happy, Mr Cheerful and Mr Tickle have been overthrown by the evil Mr Grumpy and Mr Grumble. Mr Grumpy fiddles around with his fobwatch and discovers that he is not really a Mister after all - he is the Master, reborn!

Memo: OK Archivist Garr, you can handle the big Doctor/Master gay thing now.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and The Pirate Planet

The Doctor Who the fourth has promised to punt Romana up the Grand Canal but Venice is fully booked so he books a cruise of the Mediterranean instead. Too late he finds they have boarded the Black Pig by mistake, a pirate ship under the control of the incompetent Captain Horatio Pugwash. But the Doctor Who soon finds the cruise to be not so bad after all as he carouses with the hard-drinking Pugwash and they laugh and joke about Master Bates, Seaman Staines, John and Gillian, and, best of all, roger the cabin boy. Whose name is Tom. The Doctor Who falls in with a group of gay telepaths called the Bentlads, in a further projection of "the oncoming agenda". But then, just as he is is learning how to sail around the Isle of Wight in preparation for a future adventure with Blackadder, there is a cataclysmic ripple through the space-time continuum and everything changes. the Doctor Who finds he is really on The Irate Planet...

To be continued.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Daleksia of the Dyslex

Having won 3-2-1 (as chronicled earlier) the Daleks set out on a mission to rule the TV contests. They have limited success on Catchphrase ("It's good but it's not right." "Exterminate!") but go on Countdown and do well in the numbers game with Carol Voord woman but are hopeless on the words and break down in floods of tears. They explain to Richard Whitely that they have always been hopeless with words and go on to spout some stuff about "My spelling is impaired, I cannot write" or some such bollocks. But then a ltitle caoxing rveeals taht it is a deep set porbelm taht the poor Dlakes hvae bttlaed to cnqouer -- dlsyxeia -- and all cderit to them for gtetnig so far dspetie all the epexctattoins of sicoety wcihh fials to reailse taht smoe pepole are haepmred by a fauilre to recnogisie the odrer of lteters. And Doctor Who the whatever puts everything right and then fckus off up the vortex.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Peril of the Dwindling Fish Stocks

The Doctor Who pops back to Earth to see his old friends at Torchwood and finds that everything has changed. The institute is no more and Gwen has taken up a new position at Codwoorth. They're outside the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea, beyond the Ministry of Fisheries and Food, next door to the abandoned branch of Woolworths, in a base called the Tub. Gwen and the team are busy watching activity in the Drift - a strong ocean current just off Cardiff Bay - and she is especially interested in a couple of Spanish trawlers in case they exceed their internationally agreed fishing quotas. Gwen suspects that their cod haul might be just a tad greater than European regulations currently allow. The Doctor Who suggests blowing them out of the water and sending them hurtling into a black hole, but Gwen decides to negotiate with the over-eager Spaniards instead. They apologise for exceeding their quotas a fraction and readily agree to fish for more sustainable fish stocks in the future. Foiled once again in his bloodlust, the Doctor Who wails "There should have been another way."

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Gay Of The Daleks

Sir Reginald Piles (no relation to the previously chronicled Reginald Wirrn) goes to a world conference and triggers events that let the Daleks make a prolonged courtesy visit far in the future that is seen as outstaying their welcome and terribly rude. So terrorists come back from the future and kill Sir Reggie so he doesn't make the conference and so events don't allow the Daleks the opportunity to visit and so the terrorists have no reason to go back in time and so Sir Reggie does go to the conference after all and so triggers events that let the Daleks make a prolonged courtesy visit far in the future that is seen as outstaying their welcome and terribly rude. So terrorists come back from the future and kill Sir Reggie so he doesn't make the conference and so events don't allow the Daleks the opportunity to visit and so the terrorists have no reason to go back in time and so Sir Reggie does go to the conference after all and so triggers events that let the Daleks make a prolonged courtesy visit far in the future that is seen as outstaying their welcome and terribly rude. So terrorists come back from the future and kill Sir Reggie so he doesn't make the conference and so events don't allow the Daleks the opportunity to visit and so the terrorists have no reason to go back in time and so Sir Reggie does go to the conference after all and so triggers events that let the Daleks make a prolonged courtesy visit far in the future that is seen as outstaying their welcome and terribly rude. So terrorists come back from the future and kill Sir Reggie so he doesn't make the conference and so events don't allow the Daleks the opportunity to visit and so the terrorists have no reason to go back in time and so Sir Reggie does go to the conference after all. But the Doctor Who the turd steps in and resets the timelines and Jo feels her heart go a-flutter. No one notices that one of the Daleks has broken ranks and is pursuing a homosexualist agenda that will one day, far in the future, dominate the show's existence.

Archivist: Suthers

The Rise and Fall of Reginald Wirrn

The Doctor Who the fourth is still recovering from his latest degeneration when the Tardis crash lands on the space station Satellite Sunshine Desserts. He stumbles out to find that the insectoid workers are busy converting hibernating humans into zombies, but they're not doing it quite right so the Doctor Who shows them how to do it properly. One of the insectoids, Reginald Wirrn, has a middle-age crisis and fantasises about his secretary Peri's breasts but he can't get a stiffie and his boss ET tells him he didn't get where he is today which is clearly nonsense because he is where he is today, silly. Regie Wirrn stages his own suicide, leaving his clothes in the airlock and escaping to the planet Grot but the Doctor Who hunts him down and feeds him to the Zarbi before whisking Harry and Sarah Jane off on another adventure.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Cave of Numbskulls

Crochety the Doctor Who the first whisks Ian and Hanna-Barbara from Slag Heap School off into the vortex. Ian is still skeptical so the silver-haired fiend decides to give him a history lesson. He sets the controls for palaeolithic Earth to meet old palaeos the Flintstones. Fred is just setting off for the baseball game with Barney but stops to break open a few beers with the time-travellers. Fred suddenly realises he has lost the secret of fire and life won't be worth living if Wilma finds out so the Doctor Who lends him some matches. The Doctor Who finds Barney a bore and briefly contemplates smashing his brains out with a rock, asking "have I the right?" Barbara and Betty take Susan, John, Gillian and Bamm-Bamm down to the drive-in movie. Ian puts Dino out for the night but the beast nips through the window and slams the Tardis door, shutting Ian out and leaving him screaming "Barrrrrba-ra! Barrrrrrba-rrrrraaaaa!!!!!" in a gripping cliffhanger. The closing theme declares "We'll have a gay old time" in an early indication of the direction the new series would take.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Trouble on the Brig

The Doctor Who the third gets an emergency call from UNIT. The Brigadier has started behaving oddly, cross-dressing and shaving his legs. Now he has stolen a time bracelet because it was soooo his colour and disappeared into the space-time continuum. The Doctor Who seeks the help of an earlier, albeit crochety version of himself and discovers that the Brigadier has set up a new colony of transvestites on planet Kembel, wrapped himself in tight Spandex and reinvented himself as Brent Nylon. The Doctor Who the crochety orders the Brig back to his proper place in space and time but he has a tantrum and cries: "Shan't, shan't, shan't and shan't." The Doctor Who sets his old friends the Daleks onto the colony but they just stay to discover their feminine side. Katarina decides she'll have a go but gets sucked through a rip in the reality field into an Edwardian London townhouse in the early 20th century where Mr Hudson and Mrs Bridges give her the "John and Gillian" treatment. Racked with guilt, Brent tears off his vile outfit, returns to Earth and resumes his former, military duties.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who Wants To Be a Gillianaire

Having bid farewell for a second time to the crabby aliens, the Doctor Who the tenth suddenly comes over all serious like. He sits Martha down and tells her of his home world Gallifrey. Martha tilts her head, with a loving smile, and stares fascinated at the man she loves. The Doctor Who describes his planet's fields of deep red grass, capped with snow. Martha glances at her watch. He recalls how Gallifrey's second sun would rise in the south and the mountains would shine. Martha raises her eyebrows and then stifles a yawn. And the silver-leafed trees look like a forest on fire in the mornings, blah blah blah. The Doctor Who gently wakes Martha to say that there is something else. "What now?" she sighs. Turns out he hasn't been entirely honest and he's not quite the last of the Time Lords. For just past the clothes racks in the Tardis and before you get to the remains of the fetid pile of poo, there are the private quarters of John and Gillian, who he keeps under house arrest - for their own safety mind. Martha is a little shocked and wonders why he is telling her now and the Doctor Who reveals that their next destination is a planet in the Tarrantula Nebula in the constellation of Castersugaribus where they love quizzes and contests and he thought he might raffle Gillian off. Martha thinks it is a brilliant idea and they rush off into time and space once more.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Moan Base

The Doctor Who the hair gel slips his key into the Yale lock and gently turns it. The Tardis door opens with barely a sound and he tiptoes in, slowly closing it behind him with the slightest click. But, glancing up, he realises in an instant that his efforts to creep in unnoticed have been in vain. For there, standing by the stairs in her dressing gown is his mother. "And what time do you call this?" she demands. "Dunno," comes the mumbled reply, adding with a touch of insolence, "Why, what time do you call it?" "And where've you been until this time?" asks Mrs Who. "Nowhere," mumbles the Doctor Who. "Don't give me that," says Mrs Who. "What have you been doing?" "Nuffink," says the Time Lad, his head sinking ever lower, clearly indicating a guilty conscience. "I want the truth now," insists Mrs Who. "You're not too old for me to put you over my knee." And the Doctor Who says he has just been hanging around the bus shelter with some of the other kids off the estate, and OK maybe they did ring a few doorbells and then run off but it was all Davros's idea anyway. And anyway they never done any TWOCing, cos he's never done that since he run off with that Type 40 in the first place, innit. "Well get yourself to bed," says Mrs Who. "We'll just have to see what your father says in the morning." And the Doctor Who says "I hate you," "I wish you were dead," and "I didn't ask to be born anyway," and slinks off to his room to text his mates.

Archivist: Suthers

Turlough's Luck - Spin Off

Turlough is awoken by your man off Department S at 10:00 am. He has a hangover, and is briskly reminded of his appointment with the Trion Department of Social Services to sign on for the dole. The bloke off Department S finds Turlough's arab cloak type thing covered in vomit, and Turlough explains that Roskal was "taken ill" at the dance party last night. The bloke off Department S leaves tea and some money on the kitchen table, which is sufficient motivation for Turlough to go downstairs. The Department S guy reminds Turlough that he expects repayment, plus he has to pay to have his arab cloak type thing cleaned, and what's left has to last him until his next dole cheque. "Gorden Bennet" decries Turlough unhappily.

Later, as Turlough heads out to Roskal's place, we see the council estate in which he lives, a low-rise warren of red-brick buildings in which identical part-glass front doors open onto a shared concrete walkway at the foot of a majestic volcano. As Turlough leaves, Roskal comes around the corner. Roskal bangs on the Turlough's front door, but no one is home. Turlough goes to Roskal's flat, in a gray-beige tower block, but he's not there. So, Turlough goes to Hippo's house. Hippo is just getting up. (How Hippo arrived on Trion is not explained. This detail clashes with the previously broadcast spin-off series 'Good Man Hippo' but there was an attempt to address the inconsistency in the Big Finish audio drama 'Hippo's Destination: The Stars')

Turlough and Hippo bemoan their situation over breakfast - unemployed and all but unemployable, ill-prepared by a substandard education at the hands of an embittered and quick to anger Brigadier for life on Trion.

Roskal arrives at Hippo's house and suggests that they get a move on, and the three go off together to sign on. En route, Turlough and Roskal spar over who should pay for cleaning Turlough's arab cloak type thing.

At the Trion dole office, Turlough has missed his signing-on time, and the dole office worker at the counter steadfastly refuses to open his box to pay out, saying that Turlough must see a supervisor. And, his gyro might be delayed too if the supervisor decides he's entitled to it. Irritated, Turlough loudly requests that the office worker "turn it in" but it is still the eighties and the lady is not for turning.

If you enjoyed this adventure why not try the following (thankfully they're a bit more upper-class in their japery):

Good Man Hippo.

Hippo Does it Again.

Hippo's Holiday Mystery.

Hippo and the Pirates.

Hippo's Quest.

Hippo's Temptation.

Hippo Pays for Love.

The Passion of the Hippo.

Hippo's Big Mistake.

Hippo and the Extremely Powerful Antibiotics.

Hippo's Diagnosis.

Hippo's Fury.

Hippo's Acceptance.

Hippo's Last Hurrah!

Geordie's Grand Anomaly.

Hippo has Risen from the Grave.

Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and the Army of Dads

"This is the story of how I died...laughing"

The Doctor Who number ten takes Rose home to see her mum. Jackie is all happy like cos her Dad has come back from the grave to haunt her. But the Doctor Who whips out the naffest BBC prop ever, his cardboard 3D glasses, and spots that the "Dad" is really Sergeant Wilson off of Dad's Army who has fallen through time and the smarmy git can't believe his luck!! The Doctor Who realises that the rest of the Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard is lined up and ready to march through the rift in the space-time continuum thanks to the continued interference of new ministry for aliens and fisheries Codwoorth (see DWF passim). The platoon marches through the rift though Pike worries that his mum won't like him staying out too long and Godfrey is concerned what Dolly will make of it. Suddenly a void ship lands, and Dalek U-boat commander Sec and two chums jump out. Corporal Jones cries "Don't Panic" and - momentarily forgetting the agenda - "They don't like it up 'em". They demand "Vot is your name" and Captain Mainwaring says "Don't tell him, Pike!" The Doctor Who regrets leaving Oneforthedads behind on Gallifrey now that the Dads have finally arrived!!! Duhhh!

Next week: 'We're Doomed' Day.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Rose

Rose ran from the store, freed from the loveless clutches of those ugly automatons. And there he was again, his arms folded and leaning on that strange blue box. He stared straight into Rose's eyes, with a perfect, fearless, impersonal look. He made her feel shy. "Do yer wanna come with me, as 'eck as like?" he asked. "With me and whippets?" Confusion filled Rose's mind. Yes, she was tied to Mickey, confined as he was to that infernal wheelchair, yet she had no wish to remain a demi-vierge, trapped like a cage-bird. Rose wanted to cry out, yes, yes, yes! But she bit her lip and stayed silent. Then the Doctor Who the ninth asked again: "Do yer wanna come with me, bitch?" And Rose heard herself reply: "Whatever."

* * *
The flickering light from the console played over their naked bodies as they lay sprawled across the Tardis floor. The Doctor Who was coiling Rose's body hair around the daisies that they had picked in the garden. "Eee but th'art deep to fook," he told her. "Yer little koont, as 'eck as like." She giggled a shy girl's giggle and watched him slowly subside. And then she asked him: "Can we 'ave some chips?"

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and Till Death To The Daleks Us Do Part

The Doctor Who number three has only just got to Exillon when all the lights go out. Slumped in his armchair, he turns on Sarah Jane: "What've you done now, yer silly moo?" "I expect the meter has run out," his long-suffering companion replies, barely looking up from her knitting, "cos you go and spend all your money down the pub." "Shut up, you old moo!" says the Doctor Who. John and Gillian, sprawled on the sofa, seem delighted at the power cut though John is a bit concerned they might miss the match on TV. "If they paid the miners a proper wage, we wouldn't have power cuts," he argues. John starts to argue for the merits of a people's republic but this inflames the Doctor Who. "Shut up and listen, you Scouse git," he snarls, "you might learn something." "Oh will you stop arguing," wails Gillian. The Doctor Who gets all overcome and begins to gush over Her Majesty. But then there is a knock at the door. Their neighbours the Daleks - or Da'kies, as the Doctor Who calls them - say their power has failed too and can they borrow a cup of sugar. "Bleedin' scroungers," moans the Doctor Who. "We should send 'em all back to Skaro." The Daleks point out they were just leaving anyway. Then their spaceship blows up, the lights come back on and the Doctor Who and John go down the boozer.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Remembering of the Daleks

The Doctor Who the seventh suddenly realises after 25 years - duhhhh! - that he has left some valuable "effects" in Susan's locker at Slag Heap School. He takes Ace back there but she runs into Miss Ewell who orders her back to Class 5C immediately. The Doctor Who joins her, pretending to be a supply teacher called John Smith and sits next to teacher 'Privet' Hedges but Ace spots that he has reverted to his pervy ways and is trying to look up the skirt and see the pink clematis of Sharon, who is really 25 due to some timey-wimey thing, just like all the other pupils. Duffy gets all upset at the Doctor Who for ogling his bird. Abbot offers to do him in but Maureen has gone all gooey and falls for the Doctor Who. Dennis doesn't understand but then Miss Ewell comes in and she goes all gooey herself like over headmaster Mr Cromwell. Ian and Barbara are nowhere to be seen!!! Suddenly everyone notices a Dalek tapping his feet over by the door. Has anyone remembered their courtesy visit? Duhhhh! The Doctor Who apologises but finds that caretaker Norman Potter is causing problems in the playground by telling the Daleks they can't park there. OK he was in the Desert Rats, but duhhhh! Finally the Daleks leave in a huff and the Doctor Who blows them up, despite the fact that his old friend Davros is on their spaceship. Omega had a hand in it too.

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Doctor Who and the Bottles of Hastings

Crochety the Doctor Who the first rebukes Steven and Vicki for their constant partying which have left the Tardis cocktail cabinet dry. He steers a course for the Kent coast to join a booze cruise so they can stock up on the cheap by benefitting from tax-free prices in international waters! John and Gillian, still traumatised from the Doctor Who's fiddling while Rome burned, see their chance to escape while the silver-haired fiend is on his day trip. Unfortunately, and life can be oh so cruel, they slip away from the Tardis only to fall straight into the clutches of the Doctor Who's evil cousin the Meddling Monk.

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Doctor Who and the Log Police

Dippy stewardess Tegan mistakes the Tardis for a portaloo on her way to the airport and stumbles inside. Unfortunately her visit coincides with a spot check by interplanetary sanitary squad the Log Police. The Doctor Who (4) protests that in all his 900 years since 1963, no one has ever asked to avail themselves of bathroom facilities. The toilet taskforce flash their search warrant and, just beyond John and Gillian's prison, make a horrifying discovery. Round the back and out of the way where they hoped no one would notice, companions Susan, Ian, Barbara, Vicki, Steven, Katarina, Doodoos, Polly, Ben, Jamie, Victoria, Zoe, Liz, Jo, Sarah Jane, Harry, Leela, Romana, Adric and Nyssa the pisser have left their logs in a vast fetid pile of waste. The Log Police offer to say no more about it this time just so long as the Doctor Who pops straight down to B&Q and installs some proper toilets and so he does. Tegan, Adric, Nyssa and her dad the Master happily avail themselves of the new facilities. But they can't shake off the feeling that they are being watched. The Master chases a wraith-like peeping tom onto the gantry of a nearby radio telescope and sends him hurtling to the ground. The companions gather neatly round and rip off the voyeur's disguise. "So he was the Doctor Who all the time," says Adric. Racked once more with shame, the Doctor Who is forced to degenerate into new Doctor Who (5) who manages a wan smile. Then, bidding the Master a fond farewell, they set off for a well-deserved holiday in Castrovalva.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Black Orchid

The Doctor Who the fifth takes Tegan, Nyssa, Aldi, Lidl and Adric to see one of England's famous stately homes. Tegan is like, yawn, must we, and the Doctor Who is like yes we must, you might learn something, so there. But then the Tardis jumps several time tracks and plunges them way back in time in the Twenties. Stumbling into the daylight, the Tardis crowd play a bit of cricket, arrange a fancy dress party and solve a few murders but the Doctor Who gets impatient waiting for the alien monsters. "Where's the fecking monsters, then?" he demands of Lord Cranleigh. The noble lord offers a black orchid but a blow from the Doctor Who's hand sends it flying. "They promised me monsters and aliens," he rages. "There's always feckin' monsters and aliens. Who do you think I am, the Doctor Who the feckin' first?" Cranleigh replies that he's heard there might be a giant wasp at Agatha Christie's place down the road but the Doctor Who is having none of it and breaks down in tears. Nyssa tries to comfort him, telling him to forget the black orchid and she might show him her pink clematis. Reinvigorated and beaming, the Doctor Who follows Nyssa back to the Tardis while Tegan stands fuming, hands on her hips, and plotting revenge on her love rival.

Archivist: Suthers

Additional information from Archivist Garr: Meanwhile, Adric raids the drinks cabinet and then staggers out into the courtyard and pukes into the fountain. This makes a deformed bloke really angry and he goes nuts (in a kind of distasteful way). However, the deformed bloke gets distracted and and demands to see Nyssa's clematis because he's heard it's the image of his ex's clematis but Nyssa tells him to forget it and Adric pukes on his shoes.

Doctor Who and the (C)Rap Planet Innit

The Doctor Who (4) arrives on the planet Rap where the Tardis's automatic translation circuits are put under enormous strain.

Doctor Who: I travel da universe through time and space
People's always sayin' I ain't never got the same face
But I is always savin da human race
Cos I is the Doctor*

I got dem Chumblies and Clangermen beat
Even my own Time Lord mates is just dead meat
But now I gotta welcome the Trods' invasion fleet
Cos I is the Doctor

Ambassador: Is you lookin at my pint?
Is you lookin at my pint?
Is you lookin at my pint?
Cos if you is, you better not

Doctor Who: Now don't worry bro, don't get all demonic
Cos I is the Doctor Who and I is iconic
Just pour me a screwdriver, but make sure it's sonic!
Cos I is the Doctor

* Clumsy shorthand for Doctor Who introduced by poncy the Doctor Who the third.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who meets Terry and Judoon

The Doctor Who (9) lands outside a typical suburban semi in Purley where he spots his old friend Terry Leptil in a tizz because his boss is coming to dinner! Doctor Who folds his arms, like he does, and leans back against the Tardis to observe events...
An agitated Terry examines the fish tank in his dining room.
Terry: Judoooon, JUDOOOOOOON!!
Judoon Whitfield: What is it now, Terry?
Terry: You haven't forgotten the boss is coming to dinner, have you? It is so important that I get this promotion.
Judoon: No Terry, of course I haven't forgotten, that's why the prawn cocktail, cheese fondu and black forest gateau are defrosting on the table.
Terry: I'm going to sit the boss here, just in front of the fishtank. I'm just a bit worried about the tiny crack that has appeared in the glass, but a spot of Blu-tak should make it OK, providing it has been invented yet.
Judoon: OK, Terry. I just hope he won't be disturbed by the strange bubbling and fizzing noises coming from your home-made wines and beers next to his chair!!
A few hours later, boss emerges from house, red-faced with rage and covered in fish piss, fetid tank water, exploding beer and wine, with tropical fish hanging over his hair and shoulders.
Terry: So Sir, Sir? Did I get the promotion?!!

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Riddle of Galaxy Five*

(*The Doctor-Lite episode)

One day, a young squirrel was sitting on his very favourite branch in Nuttywood, wearing his brightest yellow underpants and nibbling his nuts as if he didn't have a care in the world. His name was Edward but everyone called him Silly Squirrel because he often didn't know whether he was coming or going. Mummy Squirrel used to say to him: "You'd forget your bushy tail one day, if it wasn't firmly attached by a system of joints or a muscle or something!" Despite this, Silly Squirrel could be quite bright. One day he was walking past the Nuttywood Centre of Astrophysics and he couldn't help overhearing the brainy professors inside debating the nature of a particular type of galaxy which, while spiral in form, has an unusually active interior. They were known as Seyfert Galaxies after the very, very clever man who invented them. "Hello," said Silly Squirrel. "I couldn't help but overhear your discussion. I think you'll find that the reason these spiral galaxies are so highly active in their centres is because they contain supermassive black holes!" "By Jove," said one of the professors. "I think you're onto something and we'll have to go and update Wikipedia right away! You've saved us months of research, Edward - and you're not such a Silly Squirrel after all!!"

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Two Ranis

His patience sorely tested over the continued unreliability of the fluid link, the Doctor Who (5) steers the Tardis past the fishmongers, costermongers and rumourmongers to stop off at the ironmongers, or hardware store, to see if he can pick up a new one. He finds the place has been taken over by an evil snake and Kate O'Mara. Hilarity ensues as the Doctor Who attempts to purchase some fork handles, letters "o", peas and bathroom plugs. He endures the deadly fiends' attempt at comedy drama with The Wirrn That Turned, but leaves after feeling short-changed in the slapstick department. Head in hands, the Doctor Who wails "There should have been another 'wahey!'."

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Two-Jagsrafess

The Doctor Who the ninth and his girlfriend Rose stop off at Sky TV's Satellite Five with their new companion, Ben Chatham off of Corrie, to buy some chips in the canteen. The Doctor Who pops up to the boardroom to discover that evil Earth leader John Prescott has evolved into the Mighty Two-Jagsrafess and is controlling the space station in a bid to get revenge on Chumbawamba, creator of the Chumblies, for his earlier drenching. The Doctor Who tells Rose that they must escape but Ben has been held up getting a microchip fitted so he doesn't get lost. They flee just in time. But being all loved-up like, the Doctor Who fail to spot on the space-time visualiser that Chumbawamba has assembled a vast fleet of Chumblies spaceships and is preparing to invade.

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Doctor Who and the Tautology of the Time Lords

The Doctor Who the fourth discovers that bulging-eyed Marty Feldman is running around on Gallifrey trying to kill the King of the Time Lords. The Doctor Who objects to this challenge to his own position as curly-haired clown and races there in his Tardis. When he arrives he learns that Marty is really the Master but has adopted the moniker of "The Deadly Assassin". The Doctor Who points out in a superior way that, excuse me, but you are obviously deadly if you are an assassin! Doh!!! The Master remonstrates that you could be an assassin who was going through a temporary bad patch, so there!! But the Doctor Who hits back that if you weren't killing anyone you wouldn't be an assassin, silly, so there!!! The Master, clearly humiliated, replies "Come outside and say that if you think you're hard enough!" The Doctor Who says "All right, I will!!" They go outside and have a fight lasting two weeks on rail tracks, a hospital, a jungle and a marshy lake, before, completely exhausted, they agree to call it a draw. Bidding each other a fond farewell, they leave for their respective Tardises and agree to meet up again another day.

Production note: This was the Doctor Who story that spawned spin-off movie The Matrix.

Archivist: Suthers

You Ain't Seen Nothing Yeti

The Doctor Who number two finds the Tardis is running a bit sluggish through a sticky patch of the universe, probably due to another problem with the fluid link, and so he leaves it to get checked over at the Garage of the Damned. Without his magical machine, the Doctor Who decides to take the London Underground to pop over to the Powell Estate and see if Rose Tyler has been born yet (she hasn't). Unfortunately he takes the Northern Line and so the journey is a complete nightmare, nothing new there then, due to stuck points, lack of staff, bodies on the line, faulty lights and other nonsense. The Fat Controller fears a mutiny from the passengers but the Doctor Who offers to trick them by using his thick fur coat to pretend to be a monster that has invaded the tunnels. Unfortunately they forget to tell Quatermass who calls out Colonel Lethbridge-Stewart and the popular beat combo Unit 4+2 to tackle the "monster". Lethbridge-Stewart is about to give the Doctor Who a piece of his mind when he discovers that Sgt Bent, part of the episode's "agenda", is acting the fool and pretending to be a monster too. The Doctor Who bids them a fond farewell, shouts "Run" and escapes to another adventure.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Moonbase of Doom

With the Doctor Who (1) long out of the picture, the Doctor Who (2) is becoming increasingly embarrassed by the continued presence of John and Gillian on the ship. He hatches a plan with Ian, Barbara, Susan, Ben, Polly and Jamie to ditch them at the next stop. The Doctor Who tricks the children by promising them a stick of rock and lands the Tardis in the rockiest crater he can find on the Moon. The Doctor Who spots that the tracking-station-type Moonbase there is hosting a reception for his old friends the Clangermen. This time the Clangermen have had a makeover from Tinny and Sue Spanner, to make them look like silver versions of the Black and White Minstrels. What's more, they have ditched the Halfords headlamps and no longer talk like Robert Peston off of BBC news. They are also carrying much smaller accordians. The first Clangermen to arrive pass out when the Soup Dragon is a little too generous with the cocktails. But when their metal friends turn up, the Doctor Who makes up for the booboo by teaching them how to fly off into space to invade other planets. Party over, the Doctor Who sets off for the macrame class at Butlins, but fails to notice that John and Gillian have sneaked back aboard the Tardis...

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Web 2.0 Planet

The Doctor Who the first returns to Vortis to find the insect lowlife busy building applications for a new idea called the Intergnat. (They realise their previous attempt in the Sixties was overambitious, coming at least 30 years too early.) But now the Menoptera are excitedly designing new interactive websites, wikis, blogs, online stores and video sites while their mischievous chums the Zarbis dump heaps of spam across the universe. Their next challenge is to create antisocial networks, though they have trouble trying to create a forum as bitchy as ones set up for the time traveller's fans. The Doctor Who wants to play at Second Life but a command over the space-time visualiser orders him to wait until he degenerates. The Doctor Who has a tantrum, stamps his feet and cries "shan't, shan't, shan't". Then with an evil twinkle in hie eye, and a swiftly-muttered "Have I the right?", he infects the network with a virus and reboots the planet into the recycle bin.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Carryonites

The Doctor Who the first takes Ian, Barbara, John and Gillian to ancient Rome for a history lesson, only the stupid Romans don't realise it is ancient and seem to think they are in modern-day Rome. The Doctor Who runs into Caesar Kennethicus Williamus, who tells him "Infamy, infamy. They've all got it infamy" before getting killed for his trouble. The next Caesar tells them: "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, whatever. Lend me your rears!" Matron Hattius Jaqueus is furious at this clear introduction of a gay agenda and orders him back to bed. Meanwhile, Ian and Barbara are wrestling lions in the arena when Barbarus Windsoricus's bikini bra snaps and hits Ian in the face. The Doctor Who realises he must resort to genocide once more and sets fire to the city. Ian and Barbara are shocked to find that the silver-haired fiend has sneaked off with John and Gillian and is fiddling while Rome burns.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Tenth Planet

John and Gillian are being a nuisance once again, the little brats, so the Doctor Who the first offers to build them a snowman. He takes them to the South Pole and spots that the Moonbase-type tracking station there has been invaded by Clangers with Halfords lamps stuck on their heads and, oddly, all playing accordians. Doctor Who grabs one of the accordians and starts playing "I Don't Like Mondas" in a tribute to the Boom Town rats who he realises he will meet during his ninth incarnation. The Clangermen react in fury and the Doctor Who decides he will have to commit genocide once again and destroy them with the Z-Cars bomb that Inspector Watt gave him in a timey-wimey thing when he was/will be the Doctor Who the fifth. Unfortunately he slips over during detonation, making his body go all funny. The celluloid goes all funny too, as if the wrong chemicals have been added to the developer mix like in a rare slipping of BBC production standards.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Planet of the Deaf

The Doctor Who (10) mislays the fluid link once again, rendering the Tardis inoperational, and so has to catch a bus across the city to visit his best friend Captain Jack. To his horror, he realises he has boarded the wrong bus and his double-decker has been taken over by evil "pop" stars Cliff Richard and the Shadows Proclamation for a summer holiday. The Doctor Who chats up a tasty girl passenger off of EastEnders and some American Bionic Girl-type ****nstuff to take his mind off the horrible singing. Just as the Doctor Who thinks he is getting past first base, the bus disappears through a rip in the space-time continuum, like you do, and emerges on the planet Dubai. But Cliff and his crew are determined to continuing ruining everyone's trip and continue with their barrage of noise. The peace-loving Dubaibians are appalled by the assault on their senses and gouge out their own eardrums!!! The Doctor Who tells them "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." The Dubaibians reply "What did you say?". Doctor Who replies: "I SAID, I'M SORRY, I'M SO SORRY!" The Dubaibians reply: "We're sorry?" "NO!" replies the Doctor Who, "I'M THE ONE WHO'S SORRY, SO SORRY!!" before escaping for another escapade.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Z-Cars X-Rays of E-Space on eBay*

The Doctor Who (5) is sent by the Time Lords to 13th Century England where the King is reported to be selling pirate DVDs of Doctor Who (3) story The Daemons on eBay. He gets there only to find that Inspector Watt off of Z Cars, and those "get a free pen with your life assurance" ads on telly for old people smelling of wee, is already on the case. Checking the King's copy of the Radio Times, the Doctor Who spots that the ridiculously named Sir Gilles Estram is an anagram of Master Lies Girls!!! The Doctor Who swiftly builds a Kamelion Arch to destroy the Master's mind before setting off for new adventures.

*Sometimes erroneously remembered as The King's Daemons

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the 34 Doctors

Doctor Who (14), Doctor Who (6), Doctor Who (2) and Doctor Who (17) are drawn off course in their respective Tardises by a powerful force. They arrive together on the planet Spijworp to find that Doctor Who (15), Doctor Who (1), Doctor Who (20), Doctor Who (30), Doctor Who (11), Doctor Who (24), Doctor Who (16) and Doctor Who (21) are waiting patiently for them. The Doctor Whos (14, 6, 2, 17, 15, 1, 20, 30, 11, 24, and 21) are busy chatting dandy-clown-type nonsense when Doctor Who (16) dramatically calls for silence. He's picked up distress calls from Doctor Who (7), Doctor Who (25) and Doctor Who (8). The situation is further complicated because Doctor Who (33), Doctor Who (29), Doctor Who (34), Doctor Who (31) and Doctor Who (4) are also trying to get through, having become stuck in jams in the space-time continuum. Luckily Doctor Who (19) arrives at that moment with the Keyring of Vishtoo which immediately unlocks the galactic gridlock. While waiting for their trapped selves, Doctor Who (28), Doctor Who (10), Doctor Who (22), Doctor Who (32), Doctor Who (9) and Doctor Who (3) also drop in, having spotted the cosmic hoo-hah. Suddenly a voice booms from the time-space visualiser. It is Doctor Who (27) calling from Gallifrey. With Doctor Who (12), Doctor Who (18), Doctor Who (23), Doctor Who (26), Doctor Who (13) and Doctor Who (5) by his side, he tells them it is all a false alarm and everything is tickety-boo. The Doctor Whos (14, 6, 2, 17, 15, 1, 20 ... oh soddit).

Archivist: Suthers

Another Man's Shoes

Q appears on the deck and turns Picard into a pair of shoes so that he can learn about the arrogance of the human shoe wearing personality. Beverly Crusher waves something that looks like one of those Blackberry phone things over the shoes but it is no use. Her son, Wes, is worried. Number One asks Q to change Picard back into a person but Q refuses. The crew have a meeting and Worf almost raises his voice. At the end, Q turns Picard back into a person and leaves. Meanwhile, Gerordie worries about an anomaly of some sort but it turns out to be nothing much.

Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and the Planet of the Potatoes

The Doctor Who the first lands on a peculiar world which appears devoid of life other than a few green plants. Susan trips on one of the plants, spraining that godamned ankle again, but disturbing the earth to reveal the mysterious hidden Potatoes. Ian cautiously clears away more dirt to reveal more of the strange Potatoes. Clearly there must be thousands if not millions of Potatoes lurking just out of sight beneath the planet's surface. The Doctor Who waits for the Potatoes to make their move but they appear to be too clever for him as they maintain their total inaction. The Doctor Who realises that he must, once again, resort to genocide and after muttering "have I the right" cooks up a huge pile of chips, roasties and wedges which Ian and Barbara tuck into with gusto.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Resurrection of the Chumblies

The Doctor Who number five, his arm safely removed from the cow's arse, is flying through space when the Tardis is caught in a time corridor and lands in a warehouse in London's Docklands. The Doctor Who meets up with his old friends the Likely Lads who explain that the evil Chumblies are trying to rescue their leader Chumbawamba from a space prison. Chumbawamba breaks free and causes a major intergalactic incident by throwing water over Earth leader John Prescott. The Doctor Who breaks down in despair, crying "There should have been another way" but the chief stewardess on the Tardis quits in disgust over the drenching.

Archivist: Suthers

All Teachers Great And Small

The Doctor Who the first confesses to Barbara that he has a problem, telling her "Honey, I shrunk the Tardis." She rewards him with a slap for his familiarity while Ian follows up with a dead leg for his foolishness. The two teachers help the old buffer hobble out into a garden wilderness where they battle slugs, ants and Dalek Rolykins. The Doctor Who tries to poison Barbara with insecticide for slapping him but she gets her revenge by washing him and Susan down the plughole. Honour restored all round, they set off for Earth to catch their old friends the non-Rolykin Daleks on their courtesy visit (see above).

Production note: The title of this episode, sometimes erroneously given as Planet of the Giants, was a foreshadowing-type homagey thing to the Doctor Who number five who would soon be spending time on James "Zoe" Heriot's farm with his arm up a cow's backside, desperately trying to retrieve his wristwatch.

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MeglOS

Unwilling to learn his lesson from the RibOS debacle, the Doctor Who the fourth visits the planet Tigella in a bid to flog yet another computer operating system, this time called MeglOS. The Doctor Who dresses up as a cactus in a bizarre advertising stunt and offers his fancy new iMeg computers with 250-xerophyte hard drives. The Tigellans are not to be fooled and a damning report on TV's Watchdog sends the Doctor Who bidding a swift farewell and heading off into the unknown.

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Doctor Who and Father DeleTed

The Doctor Who travels to Craggy Island following reports that it has been overrun by his old friends the Cybermen. Too late, he finds Father Ted slumped in a corner muttering "You fockin' ee-jit. Just delete delete the little fockers, so it is." Mrs Doyle defeats the Cybermen by forcing her sandwiches upon them while demanding "Ah, go on - go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on."

Archivist: Suthers

The RibOS Operation

The Doctor Who the Fourth is hired by the White Guardian to help market a new computer system called RibOS, to be controlled using the Keyboards of Time. He enlists the help of a Time Babe, Romana, and two con men, Garr and Unstoffe, to trick users into dropping Windows, Linux and MacOS for the untested software. The Doctor Who finds an unhinged Cornish comic, Jethro, trapped in the catacombs of wherever it is and escapes with him in the Tardis, leaving Garr and Unstoffe to handle the stream of complaints to RibOS customer support.

Archivist: Suthers

The Evil of the Daleks

The Tardis is borrowed by Victorian showbiz impressario Pete Waterman, while working for the Doctor Who Number 2's old friends the Daleks, so that the pop-loving pepperpots can tune into TV talent shows on its time-space visualiser. Despite Waterman's protests that they should have booked Simon Cowell, the metal machines demand he help them create the Dal-X Factor so that they can conquer the pop charts. Sadly the judging public vote out the Daleks following their monotonous rendition of I Will Always Love You, and the tinpot tyrants decide to cancel the show by ordering "X-Terminate".

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who versus the District Nurse.

At last, what the audience of the eighties were demanding! A Doctor Who / District Nurse crossover!

The evil O'Mara (nasty sort, drinks a bit, has a van filled with old cables, buckets of dried out paint, torn mattresses, rolls a tarpaulin, always has a roll up cigarette hanging from his mouth, you've probably seen him) is a bad influence on Tegan.

Meanwhile, all the District Nurse's mates start playing soldiers and building forts and that, even though they are grown ups!!! Then someone dreams about this wind up alarm clock, ...or maybe they all dream about the clock, I'm not sure. Anyway, then a massive toy snake shows up and it can't stand its own reflection because it looks so unrealistic and that's 'kinda' embarrassing.

Elsewhere, Geordie tells Juliet Bravo about an anomaly but she has no idea what he's talking about, gives him a cup of tea, drives him home, and it's grand.

Archivist: Garr

The Monstrous Monster of Pelhamadon One Two Three

HR Pufnstuf is causing trouble on the Peladon underground, refusing to pay his fare, being very drunk, all that. The Doctor Who shows up meets the eyeball headed lady boy and a few new residents of Peladon, like Ortron, Thalira, Blor and Scargill. Anyway, turns out that the Ice Warriors are being dicks again, getting Pufnstuf drunk, so the Doctor says "ah lads, why, you were doing so well and everything" and the Ice Warriors just look at their feet and giggle a bit. Geordie, haroon haroon haroon haroon, anomaly, haroon haroon haroon, grand.

Archivist: Garr

Mission to the Unknownest Planet of Unknown

Doctor Who doesn't even bother to show up for this one. A bloke sees a gang of Boobahs drinking cider at the corner of his street. Fearing that this means trouble ahead, he attempts to contact the authorities but a Boobah nicks his mobile phone and the rest give him a kicking.

Geordie won't shut up about his precious anomalies either. "Everything is grand Geordie!" roar the viewers.

Archivist: Garr

The Planet of the Massive Scary Spiders

This bloke called Lupton is drunk all the time and acting like a dick. He puts a spider on Sarah Jane's back and it's massive. The Doctor sees this other spider and it's so big and huge and scary that it causes his eyes to bulge and his hair to curl. Archivist: Garr

The Seeds of Doomly Death

The T-Mat will never shut up! It just keeps randomly calling out the names of places like Helsinki, Tokyo and all that. Shut up T-Mat! SHUT UP!!! The Ice Warriors think it would be funny to see what happens if they put magic mushrooms in the T-Mat and see if it starts talking rubbish but the Doctor takes the mushrooms first and starts kind of running on the spot and imagining clouds everywhere. It was a wild night by all accounts. The T-Mat was a bit overbearing though and didn't shut its yap once. Meanwhile - Geordie - anomaly - grand.

Archivist: name

The Seeds of Deathly Doom

These lads find some mad cabbages in the snow and then they start turning into cabbages and then this weird bloke loves the cabbages and then there's a giant cabbage so the Doctor freaks out and starts waving a gun around and throws a bloke into a wood chipper. Elsewhere, Geordie is going on about anomalies but no one's interested and it turns out to be grand anyway.

Archivist: Garr

The Keeper of Traken

The Doctor Who visits an old footballing friend who plays in goal for Traken United. But he discovers that one of the fans, Tremas, is an anagram of the Master and so resolves to kill him. Luckily Tremas finds his old fobwatch, in the shape of a grandfather clock, turns it into a Tardis and escapes the curly-haired clown. The Master's daughter, Nyssa, becomes one of the Doctor Who's cabin crew so that she can get revenge on the Doctor Who, even if she has to drop her skirt to do so.

Archivist: Suthers