The Doctor Who lands in a spot of bother

"Oh no, John! He's coming back for more. He's the biggest monster of all."

The Jimmy Savile scandal engulfing the BBC spilled over into the world of Doctor Who strips last night after the Time Lord's two youngest companions went to the police.

John and Gillian, who appeared in the long-running drama's BBCTV Comic spin-off, told how they were quite literally drawn into the sordid activities of their temporal tormentor. They complained of inappropriate behaviour by the nine hundred-year-old nonce portrayed in strips when he had them trapped within the crayon-crafted walls of the Tardis.

Gillian told our reporter: "The Doctor Who was relatively well behaved at the beginning when he was properly drawn to resemble the character played by Billy Hartnell on the television. "We would generally then get away with nothing more than a jolly good smack bottom before being sent to bed without any space food, if we had upset the crotchety old fool.

"But the artists couldn't resist turning him into a silver-haired fiend when they began drawing him more to resemble the shell-suited monster from Top of the Pops. Sometimes his appearance became a wildly scribbled confusion of Pertwee, Baker and Glitter and his behaviour became equally bizarre."

John added: "The gruesome Gallifreyan was always careful to hide his vile perversions from the eyes of viewers. He never made any inappropriate advances towards us within the frames of the strip.

"But between those sketched images, out of sight of the comic buyers . . . I'm sorry, but it was just terrible what he did to us."

John's voice faltered as he struggled to regain his composure. He hugged Gillian and they both sobbed as the pain of the memories mixed with relief that their stories of suffering were finally being believed."

A BBCTV Comic insider admitted to us that he had always had his suspicions about the Slime Lord's choice of youngsters to accompany him in his Tardis. He said: "I wish to heaven I'd spoken up earlier. But the Doctor Who was like a god and no one would have believed me.

"John and Gillian seemed especially young and vulnerable to be companions, but I was told he liked them like that. Yes, they were total shite but they didn't deserve this. Adric maybe, but not John and Gillian."

One of the artists who drew the Doctor Who for comics, and who asked to stay anonymous, told us: "These allegations have come as a terrible shock to us. We always drew him as a buffoonish but ultimately respectable adventurer. It is horrific to learn what was going on once we were away from the drawing board and our thoughts must be with poor John and Gillian."

Police said details were still sketchy at the moment.

Archivist: Suthers

The Doctor Who and the Umpteenth Bloody Retcon

The Doctor Who (1) and Susan are talking to irritatingly nosey schoolteachers Ian and Barbara in a junkyard when The Doctor Who (8), sporting a new haircut, a new outfit and several fresh wounds, walks into frame and punches The Doctor One in the face. After he storms off, everyone collects themselves and continues talking as normal. While this happens, several the Doctor Whos walk by in the background, trying very hard not to be noticed. The name of the junkyard periodically changes from Foreman's Yard to Totter's Yard, Forman's Yard and Bad Wolf Yard.

Archivist: Brainiac Nutjob

Mission to the Unknownest Planet of the Unknown

(William Hartnell and popular game-show host Bagpuss chatting backstage at Children in Need - 1965)






The Doctor Who doesn't even bother to show up for this one (probably at Children in Need or having another of his little 'lie downs' or something). Anyway, who needs him? This bloke sees a gang of Boobahs drinking cider on the corner of his street. Fearing that this might mean trouble ahead, he attempts to contact the authorities but a Boobah nicks his mobile phone and the rest give him a kicking.

Geordie won't shut up about his precious anomalies either. 'Everything is grand Geordie' roar the viewers.

Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and the Bumfighters

(Featuring the Beast of Steven)

The Doctor Who the first is more crochety than usual thanks to toothache. He can't find an NHS dentist so steers the Tardis to Tombstone (not of the Clangermen) for a cheap offer by the local sawbones. Steven signs up for work at the local ranch in Brokeback Gulch where his eye is caught by handsome cowpoke Larry Grayson. Dodo hears a strange rustling - some cattle are being stolen. And someone keeps singing. She goes to alert Steven and is shocked to find him pursuing a terrible agenda with Grayson. The two men pretend nothing has happened and Steven marries Dodo, his childhood sweetheart, and has several children. However, whenever the Doctor Who or Dodo look round, Steven and Grayson are at it again, making the beast with two backs. And someone keeps singing. The Doctor Who calls in Doc Holliday and Wyatt Earp to sort out the scenes of depravity developing at the so-not-OK Corral. The two men look at each other as if to drawl "Have I the right?" before going in all guns blazing. The Doctor Who breaks the fourth wall by turning to the camera and saying "Let that be a warning to you, children" before heading off into time and space.

Archivist: Suthers

Galaxy 4

Doctor Who gets tired of Galaxy 3 so he drops in next door to discover a troop of delightful young ladies along with charming Chumblies, rascally Rills, Telly Tubbies, Clangers, and perhaps strangest of all, ...the mysterious Boobahs.

Meanwhile, Geordie is still going on about anomalies but everything is grand.

Archivist: Garr

Trod

Now the Doctor Who the first gets summoned over the space-time visualiser by alien collector Henry van Winkle of UTube, Arizona. It is like deja vu all over again or Groundhog Day in reverse or something, making the Doctor Who especially crochety despite him presumably being the first to be summoned. Van Winkle has found yet another "Monstertron" that he cannot identify. The Doctor Who enters the creature's cell and is horrified at what he sees. Before him stands a cone-shaped robotic creature in chains - a Trod. The Doctor Who tells van Winkle that he has been ripped off by his alien dealer with a second-rate, comic-book monster and should demand his money back. Then before heading back into the vortex, the Doctor Who reveals he has been very taken with the array of torture apparatus in the cell and, with a mischievous twinkle, asks if he might install similar in the quarters he has prepared for his own "grandchildren" John and Gillian. Van Winkle refuses to license the technology and so the Doctor Who gets all crochety again and tells the ungrateful sod that he can go forward in all his beliefs and multiply.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Cave of Numbskulls

Crochety the Doctor Who the first whisks Ian and Hanna-Barbara from Slag Heap School off into the vortex. Ian is still skeptical so the silver-haired fiend decides to give him a history lesson. He sets the controls for palaeolithic Earth to meet old palaeos the Flintstones. Fred is just setting off for the baseball game with Barney but stops to break open a few beers with the time-travellers. Fred suddenly realises he has lost the secret of fire and life won't be worth living if Wilma finds out so the Doctor Who lends him some matches. The Doctor Who finds Barney a bore and briefly contemplates smashing his brains out with a rock, asking "have I the right?" Barbara and Betty take Susan, John, Gillian and Bamm-Bamm down to the drive-in movie. Ian puts Dino out for the night but the beast nips through the window and slams the Tardis door, shutting Ian out and leaving him screaming "Barrrrrba-ra! Barrrrrrba-rrrrraaaaa!!!!!" in a gripping cliffhanger. The closing theme declares "We'll have a gay old time" in an early indication of the direction the new series would take.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Trouble on the Brig

The Doctor Who the third gets an emergency call from UNIT. The Brigadier has started behaving oddly, cross-dressing and shaving his legs. Now he has stolen a time bracelet because it was soooo his colour and disappeared into the space-time continuum. The Doctor Who seeks the help of an earlier, albeit crochety version of himself and discovers that the Brigadier has set up a new colony of transvestites on planet Kembel, wrapped himself in tight Spandex and reinvented himself as Brent Nylon. The Doctor Who the crochety orders the Brig back to his proper place in space and time but he has a tantrum and cries: "Shan't, shan't, shan't and shan't." The Doctor Who sets his old friends the Daleks onto the colony but they just stay to discover their feminine side. Katarina decides she'll have a go but gets sucked through a rip in the reality field into an Edwardian London townhouse in the early 20th century where Mr Hudson and Mrs Bridges give her the "John and Gillian" treatment. Racked with guilt, Brent tears off his vile outfit, returns to Earth and resumes his former, military duties.

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Doctor Who and the Bottles of Hastings

Crochety the Doctor Who the first rebukes Steven and Vicki for their constant partying which have left the Tardis cocktail cabinet dry. He steers a course for the Kent coast to join a booze cruise so they can stock up on the cheap by benefitting from tax-free prices in international waters! John and Gillian, still traumatised from the Doctor Who's fiddling while Rome burned, see their chance to escape while the silver-haired fiend is on his day trip. Unfortunately, and life can be oh so cruel, they slip away from the Tardis only to fall straight into the clutches of the Doctor Who's evil cousin the Meddling Monk.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Web 2.0 Planet

The Doctor Who the first returns to Vortis to find the insect lowlife busy building applications for a new idea called the Intergnat. (They realise their previous attempt in the Sixties was overambitious, coming at least 30 years too early.) But now the Menoptera are excitedly designing new interactive websites, wikis, blogs, online stores and video sites while their mischievous chums the Zarbis dump heaps of spam across the universe. Their next challenge is to create antisocial networks, though they have trouble trying to create a forum as bitchy as ones set up for the time traveller's fans. The Doctor Who wants to play at Second Life but a command over the space-time visualiser orders him to wait until he degenerates. The Doctor Who has a tantrum, stamps his feet and cries "shan't, shan't, shan't". Then with an evil twinkle in hie eye, and a swiftly-muttered "Have I the right?", he infects the network with a virus and reboots the planet into the recycle bin.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Carryonites

The Doctor Who the first takes Ian, Barbara, John and Gillian to ancient Rome for a history lesson, only the stupid Romans don't realise it is ancient and seem to think they are in modern-day Rome. The Doctor Who runs into Caesar Kennethicus Williamus, who tells him "Infamy, infamy. They've all got it infamy" before getting killed for his trouble. The next Caesar tells them: "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, whatever. Lend me your rears!" Matron Hattius Jaqueus is furious at this clear introduction of a gay agenda and orders him back to bed. Meanwhile, Ian and Barbara are wrestling lions in the arena when Barbarus Windsoricus's bikini bra snaps and hits Ian in the face. The Doctor Who realises he must resort to genocide once more and sets fire to the city. Ian and Barbara are shocked to find that the silver-haired fiend has sneaked off with John and Gillian and is fiddling while Rome burns.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Tenth Planet

John and Gillian are being a nuisance once again, the little brats, so the Doctor Who the first offers to build them a snowman. He takes them to the South Pole and spots that the Moonbase-type tracking station there has been invaded by Clangers with Halfords lamps stuck on their heads and, oddly, all playing accordians. Doctor Who grabs one of the accordians and starts playing "I Don't Like Mondas" in a tribute to the Boom Town rats who he realises he will meet during his ninth incarnation. The Clangermen react in fury and the Doctor Who decides he will have to commit genocide once again and destroy them with the Z-Cars bomb that Inspector Watt gave him in a timey-wimey thing when he was/will be the Doctor Who the fifth. Unfortunately he slips over during detonation, making his body go all funny. The celluloid goes all funny too, as if the wrong chemicals have been added to the developer mix like in a rare slipping of BBC production standards.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Planet of the Potatoes

The Doctor Who the first lands on a peculiar world which appears devoid of life other than a few green plants. Susan trips on one of the plants, spraining that godamned ankle again, but disturbing the earth to reveal the mysterious hidden Potatoes. Ian cautiously clears away more dirt to reveal more of the strange Potatoes. Clearly there must be thousands if not millions of Potatoes lurking just out of sight beneath the planet's surface. The Doctor Who waits for the Potatoes to make their move but they appear to be too clever for him as they maintain their total inaction. The Doctor Who realises that he must, once again, resort to genocide and after muttering "have I the right" cooks up a huge pile of chips, roasties and wedges which Ian and Barbara tuck into with gusto.

Archivist: Suthers

All Teachers Great And Small

The Doctor Who the first confesses to Barbara that he has a problem, telling her "Honey, I shrunk the Tardis." She rewards him with a slap for his familiarity while Ian follows up with a dead leg for his foolishness. The two teachers help the old buffer hobble out into a garden wilderness where they battle slugs, ants and Dalek Rolykins. The Doctor Who tries to poison Barbara with insecticide for slapping him but she gets her revenge by washing him and Susan down the plughole. Honour restored all round, they set off for Earth to catch their old friends the non-Rolykin Daleks on their courtesy visit (see above).

Production note: The title of this episode, sometimes erroneously given as Planet of the Giants, was a foreshadowing-type homagey thing to the Doctor Who number five who would soon be spending time on James "Zoe" Heriot's farm with his arm up a cow's backside, desperately trying to retrieve his wristwatch.

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The Celestial Toymaker

Diana and Dodo discover that the Doctor Who has imprisoned two young children, John and Gillian, in his private quarters at the heart of the Tardis. They confront the silver-haired fiend about his terrible secret. Racked with guilt, he promises to buy the children presents and drives his Tardis to visit the Celestial Toymaker. The kindly craftsman shows them a variety of games and puzzles, but none of them quite fits the bill and so the Doctor Who bids him a fond farewell and heads for Hamley's in Regent Street instead.

Archivist: Suthers

The Five Doctor Whos

A powerful force takes five early Doctor Whos out of the time stream, forgetting that there are actually millions of Doctor Whos around, or even an infinite number like, following the magical correction of the 12 regenerations lark in 2015. One of the Doctor Whos pulls out anyway, preferring to punt his bird up the canal instead. The Doctor Whos keep running into each other and all sort of old friends drop in including the Daleks, Cybermen and Chumblies. Finally they bid the powerful force farewell, thank it for having them and return to their normal lives.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the 'Chase Me' Daleks

The Doctor Who catches Ian and Barbara looking for history porn on the time-space visualiser. Rebuking them in his characteristically crochety way, he tunes in instead to his old friends the Daleks and challenges them to a race through time and space. The Daleks, all excited like, quickly build a time machine and join Doctor Who in racing to places like the Empire State, the Mary "Marie" Celeste and Planet Frankenstein. Finally they are lured to a mysterious planet that a Blue Peter presenter has built earlier. The deranged presenter, Peter Pervy, has created an army of robots called Mechanicaloids out of nothing more than washing-up liquid bottles and sticky-back plastic. Despite this, the Mechanicaloids manage to wipe out the Daleks. Ian and Barbara hijack the Daleks' travel machine for their own purposes and a distressed, yet crochety, the Doctor Who bids the planet farewell.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Dalek Courtesy Visit to the Earth

The Doctor Who, in his original crochety form, arrives back on Earth and finds that his old friends the Daleks are paying a courtesy visit. He is momentarily puzzled because these Daleks are earlier models of their kind yet they are able to travel freely across the universe whereas their final versions were confined to their city on Skaro. Doctor Who decides not to pursue the paradox because the Daleks are training up the workshy population to help mine for essential minerals. Despite protests from Arthur Scargill and the National Union of Mineworkers, the Daleks boost the economy and dig up lots of valuable metals for the Brits before the Doctor Who bids them - and his annoying granddaughter Susan - a fond farewell.

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Doctor Who and the Terrifying Terror of the Macra Terror

Fed up with facing danger, the Doctor Who invites his companions to join him in a restful break at Butlins. Everything seems to be going swimmingly but Ben is worried at the presence of the Gas Board. They seem to be hanging around the seafood stall and craft centre. The Doctor Who goes to investigate and finds that the macrame class has been taken over by giant crabs who are trying to impose knew ways to knot textiles as an alternative to the customary weaving and knitting. The Doctor Who spends his time dashing up and down corridors shouting "Run" but Ben and Polly find the main gas supply, turn off the tap and defeat the giant crabs.

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The Doctor Who and the Daleks

Doctor Who invites the nosy teachers to meet his old friend Davros, king of the Daleks, on Skaro. They leave the Tardis as the needle on the Worryometer climbs to a very high level. The Daleks tell Doctor Who that Davros is sadly dead but they are having trouble with a race of humanoid troublemakers called the Thals. Doctor Who offers to kill the Thal illegals by carrying some deadly Daloneutrocaesatomium into their forest. His mission is successful but he realises he has left a component of the Tardis, so vital that it will never be required by another Doctor Who, in the Daleks' city. Luckily the Daleks have kept it safe and he bids goodbye to fly off on another adventure.

Archivist: Suthers