The Doctor Who and the Overt Foreboding and Also There's a Mysterious Poem

The stairs of doom. Nothing like Spanish Steps but the best we could find.

The Doctor Who the second sits upon a cheap set meant to look like the Spanish Steps, because it is a very famous set of stairs and the Doctor Who is always messing about with famous things. A bearded man in a hat walks by in the background, never breaking eye contact with the camera.

Yesterday, upon the stair... 

The Doctor Who the fourth is walking through a crowd of cheap looking aliens (hey, sometimes the discount you get for buying in bulk isn't enough) when he bumps into an elderly man who out-tramps the Doctor Who. The Doctor Who apologizes by saying something inscrutable and continues on his way.

I met a man who wasn’t there... 

The Doctor Who the sixth is quite busy being very cross indeed, and asks a nearby staring man what he's looking at. The man replies with the single most cryptic thing anyone could ever possibly say in that particular situation.

He wasn't there again today... 

The Doctor Who the eighth tries to do a clever sciencey thing of some kind while attempting to ignore a man wearing precisely too many layers of clothing who is standing behind him, waving his hands in front of his face and saying, "I'm not being you. It hasn't been long since I was you but I'm not being you. Is this annoying you? I'm not being you."

Oh, how I wish he'd bugger off.

Archivist: Brainiac Nutjob

In a Fix with Sontarans

Left: A Sontaran in a fix.


















Gareth Jenkins, aged 8, gets to be The Doctor Who because frankly he is spoilt. I wrote to Jim'll Fix It several times requesting that I be allowed give Peri a bath but I was ignored. IGNORED! Not only that, but Jenkins demanded that his nan make him a The Doctor Who outfit and he had also a tent that was like a TARDIS. Will this greedy child ever be happy? Find out by watching 'In a Fix with Sontarans' available via Tartan video.


Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and the Curves of Androzani

Doctor Who the fifth has been acting strangely ever since Peri ran around in that bikini. She catches him several times lurking around the Tardis in a bid to check out her giant bazookas. Finally he plucks up courage to ask her out to a rave on Androlloydwebbery plus they take in a show, Phantom of the Opera. Peri's still not really interested so Doctor Who pretends to get shot. When that does no good, he gets some Es off the barman. Finally, reverting to his deep-seated wickedness, he slips some rohypnol into her Bacardi and Coke and she passes out. Doctor Who can barely believe his luck as he quickly carries Peri's limp, curvaceous form back to the Tardis to have his evil way with her. But no sooner has he thrown her to the floor than the excitement becomes all too much and it is all over for him. Doctor Who feels such shame that his body is forced to degenerate once more. Doctor Who the sixth wakes up to find Peri leaning over him, bazookas bulging, and cruelly deriding his lack of libido.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Unravelling of the Daleks

Doctor Who the sixth gets news on the time-space visualiser that his old friend Davros has been kidnapped by an army of mutant zombies on the planet Necros. He speeds there with Peri in the Tardis only to discover that the zombies are being brought back from the dead by none other than Mr Copper, off of Titanic, and his floosie. Doctor Who shoots them dead then bumps into Blackadder and Baldrick and gets them to help him break into the Restawhile old folk's home where the resident zombies have turned poor Davros into a real-life Magic Robot guessing game just like in the Fifties, or was it sixties when you wondered how on earth the magic robot knew (which was no relation to Garr's magic upskirt robot dog) but of course it was all about how the mechanism or magnets or whatever it was were arranged! Anyway, Mr Balowski, off of The Young Ones, is keeping everyone zombified by being a Dads' DJ and playing lots of middle-of-the-road crapola and embarrassing you in front of all your teenage mates by dancing like a loon. Luckily Doctor Who discovers that the real Davros is safe and hiding behind the curtains and calls his old friends the Daleks to take him safely back to his real home on Skaro.

Archivist: Suthers

Attack of the Cyberlads or Who Deleted All the Pies.

The TARDIS is working again and turns into some stuff you have in the garage but wish wasn't in the garage but will always leave in the garage. Meanwhile, some stuff happens that really should be happening in The Sweeney and Brian Glover is there and my brother still thinks he was the singer in Bad Manners. Disgusting coated The Doctor Who plays a trick on Peri that isn't really funny and is kind of creepy actually and but she laughs it off in a nervous way and thanks God that shop on Jaconda sold pepper spray. Then these Cyberlads start hanging around underground, lording it up as if they are Yetis or giant rats or something and one of them has a belly on him from too much crisps, pies, and lager and he meets Lytton and crushes his hand and blood comes out and it's only teatime and do you remember that time Peri was in her bikini in the one from last year?

Elsewhere, Geordie gives Data some advice on social small talk before seeing to the trifling matter of a little anomaly that turns out to be perfectly grand.

Archivist: Garr

Tribulations of a Timelad - One to Four

His menopausal symptoms abating more so, The Doctor Who is put on trial by Mrs. Bisto Sagacity for crimes against fashion. The Doctor Who is offered Rupert the Bear as defence counsel but declines and instead opts to defend himself by shrieking indignantly and puffing out his chest. The Doctor Who starts boasting about the time he and Peri met your one off the Carry On films, not Windsor, the other one, y'know, what's her face, no not Hatti Jacques either, the other one that was kind of a mixture between those two, y'know, Carry on Screaming and all that. Anyway, the Doctor says that there was this huge toy robot and lots of good humoured light banter and such and everyone finds the story OK, if a bit flat, except this knob in a black hat who keeps interrupting the story and throwing in his own bits and muddling stuff up. I think it might've been Michael Grade.

Meanwhile, Geordie discovers an anomaly that causes a pretty good effect to be seen briefly but it's just an exception that proves a rule and everything is grand.

To be continued! Next Time: Peri takes a leave out of Britney's book and goes skinhead.

Archivist: Garr

The Two Doctor Whos

The Doctor Who the Sixth receives an invitation to go on holiday at a safari park in space from his old friend Daktari. Unfortunately, when he gets there, he finds that Daktari inadvertently sent the invitation to the Doctor Who the Second too. His holiday plans foiled, the Doctor Who the Sixth complains to Thomas Cook who offer him two weeks in Spain instead. Full or remorse for ruining his successor's holiday, the Doctor Who the Second arrives in Spain too. There they meet some old friends, the Sontarans. The Doctors go to a tapas bar called the Caves of Androgumi where DW the Second has a nasty reaction to the snacks, but a couple of Imodium swiftly cure his tummy trouble. The two Doctor Whos bid the Sontarans farewell and go back to their respective Tardises to continue their adventures.

Archivist: Suthers