The Deck of Cards

During the interminable Doctor Who 50th anniversary celebrations, a bunch of Whovians had been on a long hike and they arrived at the Doctor Who convention. The next day, being Doctor Who Day, they logged onto Outpost Gallybollox to worship the Lord of Time.

A moderator commanded the Whovians, and after an administrator had laid down some ground rules, the text was taken up next. Those of the boys who had Doctor Who Annuals took them out, but this one boy had only a deck of cards, so he spread them out.

The administrator saw the cards and said, “Whovian, put away those cards, cheersjonblum.”

After the nit-picking, point-scoring and abusive to-and-fro on the forum was over, the Whovian was taken prisoner and brought before the Forum Director. And the Forum Director said to the administrator, “why have you brought this man here?”

“For playing cards on the forum, sir, cheersjonblum.”

“And what have you to say for yourself, son?”

“Much, sir,” replied the Whovian.

The Forum Director said, “I hope so, for if not I shall ban you more than any man, except Garr, was ever banned.”

The Whovian said, "Sir, I have been on the booze now for about six days. I have neither a Doctor Who Annual nor that self-indulgent RTD book, but I hope to satisfy you, sir, with the purity of my intentions."

And with that, the boy started his story: "You see sir, when I look at the Ace in my deck of cards, it reminds me of Ace the companion, because that’s a bit bleedin’ obvious, isn’t it.

“And the Deuce makes me wonder what the deuce the Moff is up to with his convoluted plots. (He really must go).

“When I see the Three, I think of the holy JNT and also our great leader, Jon Pertwee.

“And when I look at the Four, I think of the curly-haired clown who did the Devil’s work and breached the gospel as set down by the mighty Pert.

“And when I see the Five, it reminds me of that cricket-clothed, wet-behind-the-ears boy of a Doctor whose only good deed was to ensure the odious Adric perished in a crashing spaceship.

“When I see the Six, I think “what the fuck was the holy JNT thinking?”, but then it occurs to me that perhaps he was naked on the blower to Blue Peter at the time.

“When I see the Seven, it reminds me that every seven days, during the appointed season, we are obliged to watch more of the Moff’s nonsense, though there is the occasional gem written by someone else, I’ll grant you. Oh, and I also think of the spoon-playing buffoon.

“And when I see the Eight, I think of the eighth Doctor, Paul McGann, his Hollywood movie testament to his greatness, and ensuring that he lived on only in fanfic until he got killed off on the red button only recently by our digital overlords.

“And when I see the Nine, I get all confused because I used to think of the Eccles Cake because he was Doctor Nine, but now the Moff has changed all the numbering and Nine seems to be John Hurtwee, so now I choose to think of Satellite Nine instead.

“When I see the Ten, I think of David Ten-inch, who was also Doctor Ten before the great numbering fiasco.

“When I see the King, I think f**King hell, how much more of this nonsense can the Moff inflict on we long-suffering fans who gather each week in the presence of the Lord of Time.

“And when I see the Queen, I think of the Blessed Rusty, who restored our favourite TV show to greatness before Muffty got his hands on it. And the Jack is Captain Jack, the immortal. And also a queen.

“When I count the number of spots on a deck of cards, I find 365, the number of roundels that I can quite well imagine might be found on the walls of the original Tardis, though I confess I have not actually counted them.

“There are 52 cards, the number of weeks in a year, all of which ought to be filled with quality Doctor Who. There are 13 tricks, the number of episodes in a standard season nowadays. There are four suits, which is twice the number of suits that David Ten-inch’s Doctor kept in his wardrobe there being a blue one and a brown one. If the metacrisis Doctor-Donna Doctor had the same number of suits, then you’ve got your four, haven’t you.

“There are 12 picture cards, the number of regenerations afforded to a Time Lord under normal circumstances, but hey, let’s just rewrite the rules to suit the Moff, shall we?

“So you see, sir, my pack of cards serves me as my Doctor Who bible, an almanac and that self-indulgent RTD book."

"And friends, the story is true. I know; I was that fanboy."

Archivist: Suthers

The Doctor Who and the Overt Foreboding and Also There's a Mysterious Poem

The stairs of doom. Nothing like Spanish Steps but the best we could find.

The Doctor Who the second sits upon a cheap set meant to look like the Spanish Steps, because it is a very famous set of stairs and the Doctor Who is always messing about with famous things. A bearded man in a hat walks by in the background, never breaking eye contact with the camera.

Yesterday, upon the stair... 

The Doctor Who the fourth is walking through a crowd of cheap looking aliens (hey, sometimes the discount you get for buying in bulk isn't enough) when he bumps into an elderly man who out-tramps the Doctor Who. The Doctor Who apologizes by saying something inscrutable and continues on his way.

I met a man who wasn’t there... 

The Doctor Who the sixth is quite busy being very cross indeed, and asks a nearby staring man what he's looking at. The man replies with the single most cryptic thing anyone could ever possibly say in that particular situation.

He wasn't there again today... 

The Doctor Who the eighth tries to do a clever sciencey thing of some kind while attempting to ignore a man wearing precisely too many layers of clothing who is standing behind him, waving his hands in front of his face and saying, "I'm not being you. It hasn't been long since I was you but I'm not being you. Is this annoying you? I'm not being you."

Oh, how I wish he'd bugger off.

Archivist: Brainiac Nutjob

Doctor Who and the Incredibly Stupid Idea

Steven Moffat bolted down his Cheerios and rushed from the breakfast table. He couldn't wait to get to Upper Boat to jot down his exciting new plans for the Doctor Who.

The horror of Moffat's plans begin to sink in.

As he entered his office, Mark Gatiss was already sitting across the desk. He looked up warily at the grinning, curly-haired showrunner with a terrible sense of foreboding.

Moffat burst into an excited babble. "Oh Mark, I've come up with the biggest wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey idea ever. This one's really going to boost the ratings!"

"Go on," said the slender writing rival, with an increasing feeling of unease.

"You'll love this one," blurted Moffat. "The Doctor Who will regenerate as a woman. No surprise there. Everyone's guessed. But then I'll send her back in her own timestream to meet an earlier Doctor - or maybe more - and they'll fall in love and get it together and in a paradoxy-woxy result, she gives birth to a baby who turns out to be the first Doctor Who!"

Gatiss sat frozen, the blood drained from his face.

"Oh, not for nothing do they call me the Mighty Moff," gabbled Moffat. "Never mind the impossible girl, this is going to be the impossible Doctor. And I reckon I can stretch it out over 13 episodes. Let me think now . . ."

Gatiss stared at his boss with a mixture of loathing and contempt. This overconfident clown was undoing 50 years of TV history. He was destroying the show he loved. Would there still be a Doctor Who when it came to be his turn to take the reins?

Archivist: Suthers

The Least of Steven (we see the better)

It is that time of year again where even we dusty old archivists get all sentimental as we remember the birth of Baby Father Christmas.

And in a tradition that harks back to Uncle Willy's incarnation of the Doctor Who, when he turned to stare out at the viewers and tell them "I know where you live, children, and I'm coming to get you", we break down the fourth wall of the Internet by turning to you, the great unwashed, and wishing you very much would go away.

To help accomplish this, we present this Christmas anthem which some see as Murray Gold's finest work, about the loveable Daleks and their desire for cake and cuddles. His name does not appear in the credits in another timey-wimey tradition begun by Bill Nighy in the Doctor Who and the White Van Gogh Man.

Scholars of Whovianity note that the "Who is Dr Who" title on the graphic accompanying this recording, was later ripped off by latter-day show-runner Stefan Moffit to create mysterious, riddle-type nonsense about the Doctor Who.



Archivist: Suthers

The Doctor Who lands in a spot of bother

"Oh no, John! He's coming back for more. He's the biggest monster of all."

The Jimmy Savile scandal engulfing the BBC spilled over into the world of Doctor Who strips last night after the Time Lord's two youngest companions went to the police.

John and Gillian, who appeared in the long-running drama's BBCTV Comic spin-off, told how they were quite literally drawn into the sordid activities of their temporal tormentor. They complained of inappropriate behaviour by the nine hundred-year-old nonce portrayed in strips when he had them trapped within the crayon-crafted walls of the Tardis.

Gillian told our reporter: "The Doctor Who was relatively well behaved at the beginning when he was properly drawn to resemble the character played by Billy Hartnell on the television. "We would generally then get away with nothing more than a jolly good smack bottom before being sent to bed without any space food, if we had upset the crotchety old fool.

"But the artists couldn't resist turning him into a silver-haired fiend when they began drawing him more to resemble the shell-suited monster from Top of the Pops. Sometimes his appearance became a wildly scribbled confusion of Pertwee, Baker and Glitter and his behaviour became equally bizarre."

John added: "The gruesome Gallifreyan was always careful to hide his vile perversions from the eyes of viewers. He never made any inappropriate advances towards us within the frames of the strip.

"But between those sketched images, out of sight of the comic buyers . . . I'm sorry, but it was just terrible what he did to us."

John's voice faltered as he struggled to regain his composure. He hugged Gillian and they both sobbed as the pain of the memories mixed with relief that their stories of suffering were finally being believed."

A BBCTV Comic insider admitted to us that he had always had his suspicions about the Slime Lord's choice of youngsters to accompany him in his Tardis. He said: "I wish to heaven I'd spoken up earlier. But the Doctor Who was like a god and no one would have believed me.

"John and Gillian seemed especially young and vulnerable to be companions, but I was told he liked them like that. Yes, they were total shite but they didn't deserve this. Adric maybe, but not John and Gillian."

One of the artists who drew the Doctor Who for comics, and who asked to stay anonymous, told us: "These allegations have come as a terrible shock to us. We always drew him as a buffoonish but ultimately respectable adventurer. It is horrific to learn what was going on once we were away from the drawing board and our thoughts must be with poor John and Gillian."

Police said details were still sketchy at the moment.

Archivist: Suthers

The Doctor Who and the Children of Gallifrey - Day Two

The Doctor Who pops back next day to see the 456 and everything seems a bit different but he commences negotiations anyway over John and Gillian's fate. The aliens looks bemused but then realise they're talking at cross-purposes, LOL, and tell him, "Oh not you've got the wrong mothership. We're the 457. The 456 live across the road!" And an embarrassed the Doctor Who gets in a right two and eight, and he's all at sixes and sevens when he should be on cloud nine but he spouts his "sorry, I'm so sorry" guff, explains he's been working 24/7 and leaves. Before he gets to the 456 he pops into the 7/11 on the corner, cos he likes a little shop, but gets ripped off so he resorts to violence as usual and give them the old one two and a bunch of fives and someone calls 999 or 911 or whatever and he realises his number's up.

Archivist: Suthers

The Doctor Who and the Planet of the S***e Posts

The Doctor Who arrives back on the World Wide Web planet of Vortis to discover Zarbi and Menoptra adopting pseudonyms and plugged into the Animus where they talk utter s***e.

Zarbi Republic says: I pass a place called Pond Villas on my way to work every morning. I wonder if Amy Pond lives there. LOL.

Then Menoptraboptra says: The TARDIS is pretty big. Who keeps it clean? I can't even keep my car clean. LOL.

Then Zarbi Republic says: There are plenty of threads about cars on the car forum, there is no need to start threads about cars here.

So Menoptraboptra says: I wasn't really talking about cars I was talking about the TARDIS being clean. This is the TARDIS part of the forum is it not?

And Zarbi Republic goes: Yes it is the TARDIS part of the forum but you should be on the RETARDIS part of the forum. LMFAO.

So Menoptraboptra says: You can't talk to me like that. It is against forum rules.

And Zarbi Republic retorts: Back seat moderator eh? Who died and made you Animus?

And then Menoptraboptra goes: I wish you'd die.

But then, all of a sudden, some guy called Giant Ant Canoe Head Ballet Tights Camera Basher comes on and says: I think Doctor Who should be cancelled and you are both Timetards.

And then the Animus comes along and says: Enough. I'm locking this thread.

So then The Doctor Who finds another thread of the Web upon which Menoptra and Zarbi are discussing who would win in a fight, Predator or Mr.T., And that thread gets a bit heated and someone infers that someone else is a Holocaust denier and The Doctor Who sighs and logs off.

Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and the Thai Meddler

The Doctor Who the 35th tossed his golden mane over his shoulder as he stood gripping the balcony rail of his luxury suite on the type 70 Tardis, watching star systems drift by. They'd mocked his Cornish accent when he said “Oh, oi'd loik ah bit of stargazy poi, sum cyder and a pasty.” But what did they know? Lots of planets had a s***hole. His new state of the art time vessel was his reward for bringing peace to the universe. Daleks were working with Clangermen, or those new-fangled Cybuslads, to revitalise deprived areas of the universe. Chumblies and Drahvins toiled hand in hand in harmony. He had even been spared further confrontation with his former nemesis the Master – or so it seemed. And now he had a beautiful new companion to put Rose and her infernal daisy-strewn minge out of his mind at last. A Thai beauty, Sam Ters Jeko, it said she was called in the Radio Times cast list. This would be their first night together. At that moment, Jeko's voice summoned him back from within his bedchamber, And then he was wrapped around her at last, his hands gently caressing their way down Jeko's body. Suddenly he froze, rigid with shock. How was this possible? Was Jeko a ladyboy? And then Jeko was speaking in familiar words that ricocheted around his foolish, blond head: “Oh, my dear the Doctor Who. You have been naive.”

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Daleksia of the Dyslex

Having won 3-2-1 (as chronicled earlier) the Daleks set out on a mission to rule the TV contests. They have limited success on Catchphrase ("It's good but it's not right." "Exterminate!") but go on Countdown and do well in the numbers game with Carol Voord woman but are hopeless on the words and break down in floods of tears. They explain to Richard Whitely that they have always been hopeless with words and go on to spout some stuff about "My spelling is impaired, I cannot write" or some such bollocks. But then a ltitle caoxing rveeals taht it is a deep set porbelm taht the poor Dlakes hvae bttlaed to cnqouer -- dlsyxeia -- and all cderit to them for gtetnig so far dspetie all the epexctattoins of sicoety wcihh fials to reailse taht smoe pepole are haepmred by a fauilre to recnogisie the odrer of lteters. And Doctor Who the whatever puts everything right and then fckus off up the vortex.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the 34 Doctors

Doctor Who (14), Doctor Who (6), Doctor Who (2) and Doctor Who (17) are drawn off course in their respective Tardises by a powerful force. They arrive together on the planet Spijworp to find that Doctor Who (15), Doctor Who (1), Doctor Who (20), Doctor Who (30), Doctor Who (11), Doctor Who (24), Doctor Who (16) and Doctor Who (21) are waiting patiently for them. The Doctor Whos (14, 6, 2, 17, 15, 1, 20, 30, 11, 24, and 21) are busy chatting dandy-clown-type nonsense when Doctor Who (16) dramatically calls for silence. He's picked up distress calls from Doctor Who (7), Doctor Who (25) and Doctor Who (8). The situation is further complicated because Doctor Who (33), Doctor Who (29), Doctor Who (34), Doctor Who (31) and Doctor Who (4) are also trying to get through, having become stuck in jams in the space-time continuum. Luckily Doctor Who (19) arrives at that moment with the Keyring of Vishtoo which immediately unlocks the galactic gridlock. While waiting for their trapped selves, Doctor Who (28), Doctor Who (10), Doctor Who (22), Doctor Who (32), Doctor Who (9) and Doctor Who (3) also drop in, having spotted the cosmic hoo-hah. Suddenly a voice booms from the time-space visualiser. It is Doctor Who (27) calling from Gallifrey. With Doctor Who (12), Doctor Who (18), Doctor Who (23), Doctor Who (26), Doctor Who (13) and Doctor Who (5) by his side, he tells them it is all a false alarm and everything is tickety-boo. The Doctor Whos (14, 6, 2, 17, 15, 1, 20 ... oh soddit).

Archivist: Suthers

Another Man's Shoes

Q appears on the deck and turns Picard into a pair of shoes so that he can learn about the arrogance of the human shoe wearing personality. Beverly Crusher waves something that looks like one of those Blackberry phone things over the shoes but it is no use. Her son, Wes, is worried. Number One asks Q to change Picard back into a person but Q refuses. The crew have a meeting and Worf almost raises his voice. At the end, Q turns Picard back into a person and leaves. Meanwhile, Gerordie worries about an anomaly of some sort but it turns out to be nothing much.

Archivist: Garr

The Seeds of Doomly Death

The T-Mat will never shut up! It just keeps randomly calling out the names of places like Helsinki, Tokyo and all that. Shut up T-Mat! SHUT UP!!! The Ice Warriors think it would be funny to see what happens if they put magic mushrooms in the T-Mat and see if it starts talking rubbish but the Doctor takes the mushrooms first and starts kind of running on the spot and imagining clouds everywhere. It was a wild night by all accounts. The T-Mat was a bit overbearing though and didn't shut its yap once. Meanwhile - Geordie - anomaly - grand.

Archivist: name

Pyramids of Garr's

The Doctor Who travels to see his old friend Lord Scarman to help him sort out the Brixton riots but is thrown off course and crash lands in an Irish bog. Emerging into the pub itself, he finds a deranged scifi fan, tanked up on Guinness, helping the regulars to form a giant human pyramid. Furthermore, he is encouraging them to put all their savings into an unsustainable get-rich scheme based solely on signing up other investors. The Doctor Who steals all the cash and throws the fiendish Garr out of the pub. Still under the influence of the Guinness, Garr is left wandering Dublin's streets, gurgling "Are you my mummies?"

Archivist: Suthers

Proving Grounds

Alex notices her nephew, Chip, falling in with a tough crowd. When she realises that Chip is only part of the gang because he is being blackmailed (for a crime he didn't commit) she calls on her good friend Walker, Texas Ranger. Meanwhile, Geordie is concerned about a strange anomaly that may threaten the ship but it turns out to be nothing much and, after pressing a few buttons and looking at his BlackBerry, he relaxes because it's grand.

Archivist: Garr

The Tipton Testament

Koenig, Helena, and Victor witness a weird circular light that descends on Moonbase Alpha. Then some bloke you half recognise off another show, like a recurring role in Shoestring or something, starts acting really weird and doing mad stuff like walking around on the lunar surface without a space suit and all that kind of thing. Alan wants to kill the bloke off Shoestring but Victor thinks the bloke off Shoestring is evolving really fast and it is to do with the weird light and then the bloke off Shoestring walks around like he is dizzy and is filmed through a fish-eye lens and then he turns into a light and vanishes and Koenig and Helena look out the window and say something about Darwin and God and eat more magic mushrooms. Meanwhile Geordie frets about an anomaly of some kind but it turns out to be nothing much and everything is grand.

Archivist: Garr