Doctor Who and the Dusty Bin of the Daleks

The Doctor Who the seventh challenges his old friends the Daleks to appear on popular quiz show Bullseye with Jim Bowen but they look in the TV Times and immediately fall in love with a sexy dustbin on a rival quiz show 3-2-1. So Ted Rogers gives Doctor Who two fingers, or three in fact, and the Daleks go in for 3-2-1 and win a car and a holiday but, best of all, their very own Dusty Bin which they take back to Skaro and bonk senseless. Jim Bowen tells them "Look at what you could of won" and gets the Clangermen on Bullseye instead.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Anomalies of the Grand

A strange anomaly in the space-time continuum draws the Tardis onto a planet where everything is grand. After coughing up a grand to Ken Dodd for the toll fee, the Doctor Who is forced to run the gauntlet of a thousand grand pianos that have mysteriously lined up along the Rio Grande but evades them by fleeing into the Grand Canyon. Exhausted, the Doctor Who checks into the Grand Hotel, Brighton, to find Wilf, Donna's Grandfather, waiting for him. They settle down for a few beers while watching the Grand Prix, then stick A Grand Day Out With Wallace and Gromit and Le Grand Bleu on the time-space video-recorder-machine-type visualiser. Garr arrives with his mate Geordie and gets a smack for his trouble.

Archivist: Suthers

The Dirty, Flirty and Bertie Patrol

Dirty the Doctor Who the rrrrrrarely rrrrrrrremembered takes Ace to meet his old friend Bertie Bassett the handyman and his pet Sycorax on the planet Picnmix. She is astonished at his liquorice body armour and quips “I suppose it takes all sorts!” The Doctor Who and Bertie look at her blankly so Ace is like “I said, it takes all sorts. Geddit?” More silence and then tumbleweed blows through the Tardis and the Sycorax growls and bares its teeth. The Doctor Who attempts to end the awkward silence by saying “Liquorice, eh? I have to say that rrrrrrreally I prrrrrefer some hard liquorrr.” Ace could do with a handyman herself and faints at the thought of a hard licker and the feral grandchildren John and Gillian take advantage of the confusion to rip off Bertie's arm as a snack but the sweetieman stops himself regenerating by siphoning off the energy into a candy bio-matching receptacle, namely his hand, that hand there, his candy spare hand. Since sadness is banned they all have a jolly good laugh over the misunderstanding, and then the Doctor Who keeps everyone laughing by recalling in detail the magic death of Adric.

Archivist: Suthers

Drags On A Bit Fire

The Doctor Who the rrrrarely rrrrremembered seventh is questioning his sexual identity, so when he mishears over the time-space visualiser that “bums go to Iceland” he eagerly sets course there in the Tardis straight away. The Doctor Who is browsing just past the “ready-meal s***e for a pound” freezers in the second aisle when he discovers a long-lost colony led by his old Liverpudlian friend from Till Death To The Daleks Us Do Part (already documented), Scarse Gitz. The Doctor Who is playing spoons with Gitz when Mel spots them and orders them both out of bed this minute! Completely sick of the irritating child, the Doctor Who looks the other way while allowing Gitz to kidnap her. Alone again and mourning his “loss” with a celebration drink in the nearby cafe, the Doctor Who is informed by his socially inadequate waitress Ace that this particular Iceland is actually a spaceship which newspaper tycoon Citizen Kane is driving around the cosmos to deliver copies of his odious tabloids. “Rrrrrrreally? Well we'll see about that, the little rrrrascal,” says the Doctor Who before pulling the plugs out of their sockets causing all the freezer cabinets to defrost and the spaceship to melt. Confidence in his sexuality restored, the Doctor Who decides to take Ace up the vortex and away they spin.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Remembering of the Daleks

The Doctor Who the seventh suddenly realises after 25 years - duhhhh! - that he has left some valuable "effects" in Susan's locker at Slag Heap School. He takes Ace back there but she runs into Miss Ewell who orders her back to Class 5C immediately. The Doctor Who joins her, pretending to be a supply teacher called John Smith and sits next to teacher 'Privet' Hedges but Ace spots that he has reverted to his pervy ways and is trying to look up the skirt and see the pink clematis of Sharon, who is really 25 due to some timey-wimey thing, just like all the other pupils. Duffy gets all upset at the Doctor Who for ogling his bird. Abbot offers to do him in but Maureen has gone all gooey and falls for the Doctor Who. Dennis doesn't understand but then Miss Ewell comes in and she goes all gooey herself like over headmaster Mr Cromwell. Ian and Barbara are nowhere to be seen!!! Suddenly everyone notices a Dalek tapping his feet over by the door. Has anyone remembered their courtesy visit? Duhhhh! The Doctor Who apologises but finds that caretaker Norman Potter is causing problems in the playground by telling the Daleks they can't park there. OK he was in the Desert Rats, but duhhhh! Finally the Daleks leave in a huff and the Doctor Who blows them up, despite the fact that his old friend Davros is on their spaceship. Omega had a hand in it too.

Archivist: Suthers