The Doctor Who and the Overt Foreboding and Also There's a Mysterious Poem

The stairs of doom. Nothing like Spanish Steps but the best we could find.

The Doctor Who the second sits upon a cheap set meant to look like the Spanish Steps, because it is a very famous set of stairs and the Doctor Who is always messing about with famous things. A bearded man in a hat walks by in the background, never breaking eye contact with the camera.

Yesterday, upon the stair... 

The Doctor Who the fourth is walking through a crowd of cheap looking aliens (hey, sometimes the discount you get for buying in bulk isn't enough) when he bumps into an elderly man who out-tramps the Doctor Who. The Doctor Who apologizes by saying something inscrutable and continues on his way.

I met a man who wasn’t there... 

The Doctor Who the sixth is quite busy being very cross indeed, and asks a nearby staring man what he's looking at. The man replies with the single most cryptic thing anyone could ever possibly say in that particular situation.

He wasn't there again today... 

The Doctor Who the eighth tries to do a clever sciencey thing of some kind while attempting to ignore a man wearing precisely too many layers of clothing who is standing behind him, waving his hands in front of his face and saying, "I'm not being you. It hasn't been long since I was you but I'm not being you. Is this annoying you? I'm not being you."

Oh, how I wish he'd bugger off.

Archivist: Brainiac Nutjob

The Doctor Who lands in a spot of bother

"Oh no, John! He's coming back for more. He's the biggest monster of all."

The Jimmy Savile scandal engulfing the BBC spilled over into the world of Doctor Who strips last night after the Time Lord's two youngest companions went to the police.

John and Gillian, who appeared in the long-running drama's BBCTV Comic spin-off, told how they were quite literally drawn into the sordid activities of their temporal tormentor. They complained of inappropriate behaviour by the nine hundred-year-old nonce portrayed in strips when he had them trapped within the crayon-crafted walls of the Tardis.

Gillian told our reporter: "The Doctor Who was relatively well behaved at the beginning when he was properly drawn to resemble the character played by Billy Hartnell on the television. "We would generally then get away with nothing more than a jolly good smack bottom before being sent to bed without any space food, if we had upset the crotchety old fool.

"But the artists couldn't resist turning him into a silver-haired fiend when they began drawing him more to resemble the shell-suited monster from Top of the Pops. Sometimes his appearance became a wildly scribbled confusion of Pertwee, Baker and Glitter and his behaviour became equally bizarre."

John added: "The gruesome Gallifreyan was always careful to hide his vile perversions from the eyes of viewers. He never made any inappropriate advances towards us within the frames of the strip.

"But between those sketched images, out of sight of the comic buyers . . . I'm sorry, but it was just terrible what he did to us."

John's voice faltered as he struggled to regain his composure. He hugged Gillian and they both sobbed as the pain of the memories mixed with relief that their stories of suffering were finally being believed."

A BBCTV Comic insider admitted to us that he had always had his suspicions about the Slime Lord's choice of youngsters to accompany him in his Tardis. He said: "I wish to heaven I'd spoken up earlier. But the Doctor Who was like a god and no one would have believed me.

"John and Gillian seemed especially young and vulnerable to be companions, but I was told he liked them like that. Yes, they were total shite but they didn't deserve this. Adric maybe, but not John and Gillian."

One of the artists who drew the Doctor Who for comics, and who asked to stay anonymous, told us: "These allegations have come as a terrible shock to us. We always drew him as a buffoonish but ultimately respectable adventurer. It is horrific to learn what was going on once we were away from the drawing board and our thoughts must be with poor John and Gillian."

Police said details were still sketchy at the moment.

Archivist: Suthers

The Mine Drobber

In a bid to 'Turn on, tune in and drop out' Zoe Herriot spikes the Tardis sandwiches with LSD and the whole jolly crew lie on the floor for five weeks having a gestalt hallucination. All their favourite characters from books come to visit them. Doctor Who's favourite books are, of course, the Target novels and so he relives all of his past and future apart from one or two adventures that are annoyingly missed out. He wakes from the bad trip muttering "what exactly was the second segment of the Key to Time?". He flips the fast return switch and they do it all over again. Caught in such a dreadful paradox, the show is almost cancelled after the 12 consecutive repeat of The Mine Drobber.

Archivist: Ogronic

The Invision

Zoe again causes mayhem when she decides to become a fashion model. She insists that she does a series of highly suspect photo-shoots, ending in one where she and Isobel are encouraged to lock lips dressed only in feather boas. Meanwhile, Soho porn baron Tobias Vaughn is creating a race of 'fetish-men' for himself and his slave who goes by the nickname 'Packer'. The Doctor is drawn into the seedy world through chasing Zoe and discovers Vaughn's dastardly plans. He gets a sound spanking from Jamie and they whisk Zoe off onto more adventures.

Archivist: Ogronic

Doctor Who and the Caber Tosser

The Doctor Who number two was alone and stretched out in the Tardis sauna, a towel lightly draped around his waist and delicately running his fingers up and down his recorder. At that moment the door opened and in strode the proud, handsome form of Jamie, the young Highlander that the Time Lord had picked up in that Inverness nightclub all those weeks ago. But this was the first time that the Doctor Who had set eyes on the Culloden cross-dresser without his skirt. A frisson ran through his body as he watched the Scot slowly disrobe, his muscles rippling and the skin taut around his firm youthful limbs. "Er Jamie, why don't you come and sit over here," said the Doctor Who in his low but gentle growl, patting the slats of the wooden bench. "Och, helloo thair, thu noo, oor Ductorr Whoo" replied the young companion. "Ah didnae see ye throo thu steam, thu noo." Jamie lowered his firm buttocks onto the bench beside the Doctor Who. The Time Lord's two hearts were beating so fast he could hardly breathe. Dare he risk it? Jamie's eyes were closed and he was enjoying the heat of the steam when suddenly he felt a hand descend on his sporran. The Scot was up in a moment. Up on his feet. He pushed his face into that of the Doctor Who. "If ye evair try that agin, ye'll be askin fur a Glasgee handshake," he warned before grabbing his kilt and swiftly striding naked out of the sauna.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Croutons

The Doctor Who the number two's Tardis is racing out of control through the vortex, hurtling towards the very beginning of time itself. When it finally materialises, the Doctor Who, Jamie and Zoe step out to find an early Earth apparently devoid of life except for the presence of vast supplies of primordial soup. The Doctor Who and his chums tuck into the soup with gusto before Jamie remarks on the very tasty, crunchy croutons. The Doctor Who is alarmed and commands his companions to taste not another drop. Examining the croutons with his sonic screwdriver, he finds that they appear, in fact, to be a minute form of rock. Suddenly the tiny rocks begin to pulsate with a peculiar glow, and the Doctor Who is startled to discover that they are a highly intelligent life-form, though without any form of plinth-type support. The Croutons begin to address the time travellers in a somewhat pompous fashion, glowing as they intonate. Sod this for a game of soldiers, says the Doctor Who, and they get chomping once more on their not-so-superior-after-all supper dish.

Archivist: Suthers

You Ain't Seen Nothing Yeti

The Doctor Who number two finds the Tardis is running a bit sluggish through a sticky patch of the universe, probably due to another problem with the fluid link, and so he leaves it to get checked over at the Garage of the Damned. Without his magical machine, the Doctor Who decides to take the London Underground to pop over to the Powell Estate and see if Rose Tyler has been born yet (she hasn't). Unfortunately he takes the Northern Line and so the journey is a complete nightmare, nothing new there then, due to stuck points, lack of staff, bodies on the line, faulty lights and other nonsense. The Fat Controller fears a mutiny from the passengers but the Doctor Who offers to trick them by using his thick fur coat to pretend to be a monster that has invaded the tunnels. Unfortunately they forget to tell Quatermass who calls out Colonel Lethbridge-Stewart and the popular beat combo Unit 4+2 to tackle the "monster". Lethbridge-Stewart is about to give the Doctor Who a piece of his mind when he discovers that Sgt Bent, part of the episode's "agenda", is acting the fool and pretending to be a monster too. The Doctor Who bids them a fond farewell, shouts "Run" and escapes to another adventure.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Moonbase of Doom

With the Doctor Who (1) long out of the picture, the Doctor Who (2) is becoming increasingly embarrassed by the continued presence of John and Gillian on the ship. He hatches a plan with Ian, Barbara, Susan, Ben, Polly and Jamie to ditch them at the next stop. The Doctor Who tricks the children by promising them a stick of rock and lands the Tardis in the rockiest crater he can find on the Moon. The Doctor Who spots that the tracking-station-type Moonbase there is hosting a reception for his old friends the Clangermen. This time the Clangermen have had a makeover from Tinny and Sue Spanner, to make them look like silver versions of the Black and White Minstrels. What's more, they have ditched the Halfords headlamps and no longer talk like Robert Peston off of BBC news. They are also carrying much smaller accordians. The first Clangermen to arrive pass out when the Soup Dragon is a little too generous with the cocktails. But when their metal friends turn up, the Doctor Who makes up for the booboo by teaching them how to fly off into space to invade other planets. Party over, the Doctor Who sets off for the macrame class at Butlins, but fails to notice that John and Gillian have sneaked back aboard the Tardis...

Archivist: Suthers

The Evil of the Daleks

The Tardis is borrowed by Victorian showbiz impressario Pete Waterman, while working for the Doctor Who Number 2's old friends the Daleks, so that the pop-loving pepperpots can tune into TV talent shows on its time-space visualiser. Despite Waterman's protests that they should have booked Simon Cowell, the metal machines demand he help them create the Dal-X Factor so that they can conquer the pop charts. Sadly the judging public vote out the Daleks following their monotonous rendition of I Will Always Love You, and the tinpot tyrants decide to cancel the show by ordering "X-Terminate".

Archivist: Suthers

The Five Doctor Whos

A powerful force takes five early Doctor Whos out of the time stream, forgetting that there are actually millions of Doctor Whos around, or even an infinite number like, following the magical correction of the 12 regenerations lark in 2015. One of the Doctor Whos pulls out anyway, preferring to punt his bird up the canal instead. The Doctor Whos keep running into each other and all sort of old friends drop in including the Daleks, Cybermen and Chumblies. Finally they bid the powerful force farewell, thank it for having them and return to their normal lives.

Archivist: Suthers

The Two Doctor Whos

The Doctor Who the Sixth receives an invitation to go on holiday at a safari park in space from his old friend Daktari. Unfortunately, when he gets there, he finds that Daktari inadvertently sent the invitation to the Doctor Who the Second too. His holiday plans foiled, the Doctor Who the Sixth complains to Thomas Cook who offer him two weeks in Spain instead. Full or remorse for ruining his successor's holiday, the Doctor Who the Second arrives in Spain too. There they meet some old friends, the Sontarans. The Doctors go to a tapas bar called the Caves of Androgumi where DW the Second has a nasty reaction to the snacks, but a couple of Imodium swiftly cure his tummy trouble. The two Doctor Whos bid the Sontarans farewell and go back to their respective Tardises to continue their adventures.

Archivist: Suthers

The Doctor Who on the Planet of the Hot Chicks

The Doctor Who and Jamie arrive on a planet that looks like a gas station in Los Angeles in the early eighties. There are all these really hot chicks with big hair wearing bikinis. The hot chicks are washing porches and getting all soapy. Then Motley Crue show up on Harleys and the girls dance around them for a bit and squeeze soapy sponges onto their cleavages in a flirty 'accidentally-on-purpose' kind of way. Jamie gets into the swing of things, dancing provocatively with one of the chicks and high-fiving Tommy from the Crue. Then everyone pops open some brewskis and it fades to black.

Archivist: Garr