The Doctor Who and the Overt Foreboding and Also There's a Mysterious Poem

The stairs of doom. Nothing like Spanish Steps but the best we could find.

The Doctor Who the second sits upon a cheap set meant to look like the Spanish Steps, because it is a very famous set of stairs and the Doctor Who is always messing about with famous things. A bearded man in a hat walks by in the background, never breaking eye contact with the camera.

Yesterday, upon the stair... 

The Doctor Who the fourth is walking through a crowd of cheap looking aliens (hey, sometimes the discount you get for buying in bulk isn't enough) when he bumps into an elderly man who out-tramps the Doctor Who. The Doctor Who apologizes by saying something inscrutable and continues on his way.

I met a man who wasn’t there... 

The Doctor Who the sixth is quite busy being very cross indeed, and asks a nearby staring man what he's looking at. The man replies with the single most cryptic thing anyone could ever possibly say in that particular situation.

He wasn't there again today... 

The Doctor Who the eighth tries to do a clever sciencey thing of some kind while attempting to ignore a man wearing precisely too many layers of clothing who is standing behind him, waving his hands in front of his face and saying, "I'm not being you. It hasn't been long since I was you but I'm not being you. Is this annoying you? I'm not being you."

Oh, how I wish he'd bugger off.

Archivist: Brainiac Nutjob

ATTACK OF THE TIME DIALOGUE

A rift in the time thing causes The Doctor Who the fourth slip through the rift in the time thing and meet a lady/girl thing who is hanging around the TARDIS during the 50^th anniversary of The Doctor Who's adventures being broadcast on space time visualisers.

The Doctor Who the fourth (dropping through time mid sentence): ...the very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. They don't alter their views to fit the facts. They alter the facts to fit their views. Which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs alteri... oh, hello.

Sassy MacFilrtyperkmoffatcouplingtypething: 'Show me your willy Mr. Time Knickers.'

Then The Doctor Who the eleventh dances into the room waving his arms about.

The Doctor Who the eleventh: I'm The Doctor Whooooo. I'm The Doctor Whoooodeedoooo.

The Doctor Who the fourth (under breath) : ...fuck's sake.

Archivist:Garr

The Doctor Who lands in a spot of bother

"Oh no, John! He's coming back for more. He's the biggest monster of all."

The Jimmy Savile scandal engulfing the BBC spilled over into the world of Doctor Who strips last night after the Time Lord's two youngest companions went to the police.

John and Gillian, who appeared in the long-running drama's BBCTV Comic spin-off, told how they were quite literally drawn into the sordid activities of their temporal tormentor. They complained of inappropriate behaviour by the nine hundred-year-old nonce portrayed in strips when he had them trapped within the crayon-crafted walls of the Tardis.

Gillian told our reporter: "The Doctor Who was relatively well behaved at the beginning when he was properly drawn to resemble the character played by Billy Hartnell on the television. "We would generally then get away with nothing more than a jolly good smack bottom before being sent to bed without any space food, if we had upset the crotchety old fool.

"But the artists couldn't resist turning him into a silver-haired fiend when they began drawing him more to resemble the shell-suited monster from Top of the Pops. Sometimes his appearance became a wildly scribbled confusion of Pertwee, Baker and Glitter and his behaviour became equally bizarre."

John added: "The gruesome Gallifreyan was always careful to hide his vile perversions from the eyes of viewers. He never made any inappropriate advances towards us within the frames of the strip.

"But between those sketched images, out of sight of the comic buyers . . . I'm sorry, but it was just terrible what he did to us."

John's voice faltered as he struggled to regain his composure. He hugged Gillian and they both sobbed as the pain of the memories mixed with relief that their stories of suffering were finally being believed."

A BBCTV Comic insider admitted to us that he had always had his suspicions about the Slime Lord's choice of youngsters to accompany him in his Tardis. He said: "I wish to heaven I'd spoken up earlier. But the Doctor Who was like a god and no one would have believed me.

"John and Gillian seemed especially young and vulnerable to be companions, but I was told he liked them like that. Yes, they were total shite but they didn't deserve this. Adric maybe, but not John and Gillian."

One of the artists who drew the Doctor Who for comics, and who asked to stay anonymous, told us: "These allegations have come as a terrible shock to us. We always drew him as a buffoonish but ultimately respectable adventurer. It is horrific to learn what was going on once we were away from the drawing board and our thoughts must be with poor John and Gillian."

Police said details were still sketchy at the moment.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Dentistry of the Daleks

The Doctor Who the all teeth and curls is fed up to the back, er, teeth with being called the horror of fang rock behind his back and so decides to visit the dentist for the first time since he was crochety Doctor Who in The Bumfighters, as already chronicled. He discovers his old friend Davros has set up a dental clinic on Skaro with lovely Movellan girls as his nurses and hygienists. Doctor Who has to wait while Davros attends to some bleeding Androgums but then is swiftly dealt with. Davros admits that his clinic is not terribly busy due to the local Dalek population not having any teeth, so Doctor Who suggests he should use his talents and chemicals to produce some more Daleks instead. Then, teeth fixed and mouth rinsed, he whisks Romana away for another adventure.

Archivist: Suthers

The Evil Face of the Face of Evil or The Day God's Pad Went Mad

The Doctor Who looks forward to copping an eyeful of the Oneforthedads tribe and so heads off to the planet Oneforthedads, where he once ran a small computer repair business (that he used advertise by leaving up cards on the message board in Tescos and that kind of thing). Arriving, The Doctor Who is very disappointed to discover that only one of the Oneforthedads tribe is actually One For The Dads and that the rest are merely 'for the birds'. There are invisible things there too that generally make a nuisance of themselves but make up for it by being inexpensive.

Anyway, turns out that The Doctor Who was crap at fixing computers and one of them has become a right e****. So, instead of tricking the computer into dying or getting the Oneforthedads tribe to smash it (because being a pacifist he can't kill it outright himself) The Doctor Who decides to repair the thing with the proper recovery disk this time. The Doctor Who realises that this means he'll lose his file of saucy pictures of Oneforthedads tottie he put on the e****'s harddrive years ago but he also realises that it'll be worth it because the computer is really being a total dick although not quite as much as a dick as that BOSS fella who was bat**** nuts and had giant maggots and all that. The Doctor Who then heads off with the Oneforthedads who is actually One For The Dads and later discovers that she likes sticking knives in people and poisoning them so he gets her a dog to teach her responsibility. Meanwhile, Geordie discovers an anomaly that has caused the BBC to actually commission a 'comedy' show starring Messrs Little and Large to be shown either before or after The Doctor Who Show (I can't remember). Anyway, it certainly is not grand.

Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and The Irate Planet

As the ripples of space-time subside, Doctor Who the fourth finds that Pugwash and his chums have disappeared and been replaced by the cartoon-like Mr Men. But Mr Happy, Mr Cheerful and Mr Tickle have been overthrown by the evil Mr Grumpy and Mr Grumble. Mr Grumpy fiddles around with his fobwatch and discovers that he is not really a Mister after all - he is the Master, reborn!

Memo: OK Archivist Garr, you can handle the big Doctor/Master gay thing now.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and The Pirate Planet

The Doctor Who the fourth has promised to punt Romana up the Grand Canal but Venice is fully booked so he books a cruise of the Mediterranean instead. Too late he finds they have boarded the Black Pig by mistake, a pirate ship under the control of the incompetent Captain Horatio Pugwash. But the Doctor Who soon finds the cruise to be not so bad after all as he carouses with the hard-drinking Pugwash and they laugh and joke about Master Bates, Seaman Staines, John and Gillian, and, best of all, roger the cabin boy. Whose name is Tom. The Doctor Who falls in with a group of gay telepaths called the Bentlads, in a further projection of "the oncoming agenda". But then, just as he is is learning how to sail around the Isle of Wight in preparation for a future adventure with Blackadder, there is a cataclysmic ripple through the space-time continuum and everything changes. the Doctor Who finds he is really on The Irate Planet...

To be continued.

Archivist: Suthers

The Rise and Fall of Reginald Wirrn

The Doctor Who the fourth is still recovering from his latest degeneration when the Tardis crash lands on the space station Satellite Sunshine Desserts. He stumbles out to find that the insectoid workers are busy converting hibernating humans into zombies, but they're not doing it quite right so the Doctor Who shows them how to do it properly. One of the insectoids, Reginald Wirrn, has a middle-age crisis and fantasises about his secretary Peri's breasts but he can't get a stiffie and his boss ET tells him he didn't get where he is today which is clearly nonsense because he is where he is today, silly. Regie Wirrn stages his own suicide, leaving his clothes in the airlock and escaping to the planet Grot but the Doctor Who hunts him down and feeds him to the Zarbi before whisking Harry and Sarah Jane off on another adventure.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Log Police

Dippy stewardess Tegan mistakes the Tardis for a portaloo on her way to the airport and stumbles inside. Unfortunately her visit coincides with a spot check by interplanetary sanitary squad the Log Police. The Doctor Who (4) protests that in all his 900 years since 1963, no one has ever asked to avail themselves of bathroom facilities. The toilet taskforce flash their search warrant and, just beyond John and Gillian's prison, make a horrifying discovery. Round the back and out of the way where they hoped no one would notice, companions Susan, Ian, Barbara, Vicki, Steven, Katarina, Doodoos, Polly, Ben, Jamie, Victoria, Zoe, Liz, Jo, Sarah Jane, Harry, Leela, Romana, Adric and Nyssa the pisser have left their logs in a vast fetid pile of waste. The Log Police offer to say no more about it this time just so long as the Doctor Who pops straight down to B&Q and installs some proper toilets and so he does. Tegan, Adric, Nyssa and her dad the Master happily avail themselves of the new facilities. But they can't shake off the feeling that they are being watched. The Master chases a wraith-like peeping tom onto the gantry of a nearby radio telescope and sends him hurtling to the ground. The companions gather neatly round and rip off the voyeur's disguise. "So he was the Doctor Who all the time," says Adric. Racked once more with shame, the Doctor Who is forced to degenerate into new Doctor Who (5) who manages a wan smile. Then, bidding the Master a fond farewell, they set off for a well-deserved holiday in Castrovalva.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the (C)Rap Planet Innit

The Doctor Who (4) arrives on the planet Rap where the Tardis's automatic translation circuits are put under enormous strain.

Doctor Who: I travel da universe through time and space
People's always sayin' I ain't never got the same face
But I is always savin da human race
Cos I is the Doctor*

I got dem Chumblies and Clangermen beat
Even my own Time Lord mates is just dead meat
But now I gotta welcome the Trods' invasion fleet
Cos I is the Doctor

Ambassador: Is you lookin at my pint?
Is you lookin at my pint?
Is you lookin at my pint?
Cos if you is, you better not

Doctor Who: Now don't worry bro, don't get all demonic
Cos I is the Doctor Who and I is iconic
Just pour me a screwdriver, but make sure it's sonic!
Cos I is the Doctor

* Clumsy shorthand for Doctor Who introduced by poncy the Doctor Who the third.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Tautology of the Time Lords

The Doctor Who the fourth discovers that bulging-eyed Marty Feldman is running around on Gallifrey trying to kill the King of the Time Lords. The Doctor Who objects to this challenge to his own position as curly-haired clown and races there in his Tardis. When he arrives he learns that Marty is really the Master but has adopted the moniker of "The Deadly Assassin". The Doctor Who points out in a superior way that, excuse me, but you are obviously deadly if you are an assassin! Doh!!! The Master remonstrates that you could be an assassin who was going through a temporary bad patch, so there!! But the Doctor Who hits back that if you weren't killing anyone you wouldn't be an assassin, silly, so there!!! The Master, clearly humiliated, replies "Come outside and say that if you think you're hard enough!" The Doctor Who says "All right, I will!!" They go outside and have a fight lasting two weeks on rail tracks, a hospital, a jungle and a marshy lake, before, completely exhausted, they agree to call it a draw. Bidding each other a fond farewell, they leave for their respective Tardises and agree to meet up again another day.

Production note: This was the Doctor Who story that spawned spin-off movie The Matrix.

Archivist: Suthers

MeglOS

Unwilling to learn his lesson from the RibOS debacle, the Doctor Who the fourth visits the planet Tigella in a bid to flog yet another computer operating system, this time called MeglOS. The Doctor Who dresses up as a cactus in a bizarre advertising stunt and offers his fancy new iMeg computers with 250-xerophyte hard drives. The Tigellans are not to be fooled and a damning report on TV's Watchdog sends the Doctor Who bidding a swift farewell and heading off into the unknown.

Archivist: Suthers

The RibOS Operation

The Doctor Who the Fourth is hired by the White Guardian to help market a new computer system called RibOS, to be controlled using the Keyboards of Time. He enlists the help of a Time Babe, Romana, and two con men, Garr and Unstoffe, to trick users into dropping Windows, Linux and MacOS for the untested software. The Doctor Who finds an unhinged Cornish comic, Jethro, trapped in the catacombs of wherever it is and escapes with him in the Tardis, leaving Garr and Unstoffe to handle the stream of complaints to RibOS customer support.

Archivist: Suthers

The Keeper of Traken

The Doctor Who visits an old footballing friend who plays in goal for Traken United. But he discovers that one of the fans, Tremas, is an anagram of the Master and so resolves to kill him. Luckily Tremas finds his old fobwatch, in the shape of a grandfather clock, turns it into a Tardis and escapes the curly-haired clown. The Master's daughter, Nyssa, becomes one of the Doctor Who's cabin crew so that she can get revenge on the Doctor Who, even if she has to drop her skirt to do so.

Archivist: Suthers

The Five Doctor Whos

A powerful force takes five early Doctor Whos out of the time stream, forgetting that there are actually millions of Doctor Whos around, or even an infinite number like, following the magical correction of the 12 regenerations lark in 2015. One of the Doctor Whos pulls out anyway, preferring to punt his bird up the canal instead. The Doctor Whos keep running into each other and all sort of old friends drop in including the Daleks, Cybermen and Chumblies. Finally they bid the powerful force farewell, thank it for having them and return to their normal lives.

Archivist: Suthers