The Doctor Who and the Rise of the Digits

The fickle fingers of fate FFS

The Doctor Who finds himself reduced to being a mere companion in the midst of a crisis when every right index finger in the universe gains sentience. Nose-pickers are slaughtered in their billions. The Doctor Who's finger takes charge of his life, despite speaking in a high-pitched voice and with all the speech impediments and grammar mistakes associated with extreme adorability. Rose's finger won't stop trying to seduce her. Alas, such a relationship would never work out, as it cannot abide chips.
Archivist: Brainiac Nutjob

The Doctor Who and the Planet of the Twists

The Doctor Who arrives on a planet where, as he puts it, "The probability matrix is broken; you need to get a man in." The seemingly human inhabitants turn out to be vehicles for sentient hamsters. Their mysterious 'miracle substance' that runs everything turns out to be curried eggs. It is revealed that every sentence they say that starts with the word 'and' is a lie, resulting in numerous simultaneous revelations that are very hard to keep track of. The Doctor Who leaves before he gets bitten in the arse by a twist that's relevant to his ongoing storyline. After he does, lightning strikes a nearby rock, splitting it open and revealing that it has two hearts.
Archivist: Brainiac Nutjob

Doctor Who and the Fires of Up Pompeii

The prologue: Oooh no, missus. No, listen. Doctor Who the tenth, well, he brings Donna to Pompeii. To see Francis. I mean Lurcio. Well he doesn't want to mix with riff-raff. No? Oooh, please yourselves. Anyway, titter ye not. He comes to stay with Ludicrus, his wife Ammonia and their daughter Erotica. Anyway, no, listen. Listen to Francis. Doctor Who discovers that Albert Steptoe has fallen through time and is demanding back rent for when crochety Doctor Who did a runner from his time in Totty Lane. But is this the end? Nay, nay and thrice nay! For Doctor Who realises that the only way to defeat the evil Steptoe is to drown him in lava. Poor Steptoe! No, titter ye not. So he uses his sonic screwdriver to make Mount Vesuvius erupt. Oh it erupts for Frankie.
Epilogue: Doctor Who and Donna carry on up the vortex. No, listen... Oh, please yourselves.

Archivist: Suthers

The Doctor Who and the End of the Attack of Time of Death and stuff that really doesn't matter a f**k and that

The Barsteward is leaping around about the place acting like an eejit in this scarp yard so The Doctor Who goes there to chase him around the place for a laugh. Wilf is there too with a gang of old mates (but they aren't old in a scary way, more old in a 'young at heart' way and hence less repulsive to the non-pension collecting demographic and therefore telly-friendly). The Doctor Who goes to a cafe with Wilf. They eat buns.

The Barsteward dresses up as Hannibal Lecter for Halloween (it's actually Christmas but, y'know, he's a bit mixed up what with the drums and all) and gets invited to a party by some random fiendish types who seek immortality or some guff (forget it, it's like Lucy suddenly producing a magic anti-Barsteward potion from her pyjamas, it really doesn't matter a f**k). As a party trick, the Barsteward turns everyone into him. "I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together", doesn't say the Barsteward because he isn't the Walrus (he dressed up as the walrus a couple of years ago - see Last of the Timespanks deleted scene - but actually forget it because, like the random immortality seekers or Lucy's pyjama potion, it really doesn't matter a f**k).

Anyhoo, a bunch of Timelads show up led by George Lazenby (of Remington Steele fame) and raise a bit of hell because ...well forget about exactly why because, like the random immortality enthusiasts, Lucy's family making a potion (huh?) or the Barsteward's walrus venture, it doesn't actually matter a f**k. The Doctor Who starts fooling around with a gun and shoots an important furnishing and The Barsteward hands Lazenby his ass on a plate and then goes off some place (not sure where, probably doesn't matter a f**k) and then we reach the really important part. . .

. . .RTD, um, no, I mean, . . .The Doctor Who does an extended curtain call and tweenies all over the UK, and various appendages thereof, weep buckets. Hungover dads belch, mams pretend to be interested, dogs and cats snooze and it goes on a bit. Then the Ood write a song with nice Mr. Gold and Enya and then the TARDIS starts to explode (why? you ask, doesn't matter a f**k says I) and then there's this new The Doctor Who standing there talking about having possible gender reassignment issues and laughing at his dire predicament re: TARDIS exploding around him as if he doesn't give a f**k.
GEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIIMO!
Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and the Reindeer of Death

Archivist's note: This was the BBC's festive offering for 2009.

The Doctor Who is in Lapland. Alone once more - apart from a film crew. Trampling through the snow. He knows he is near the end. He is the ONLY ONE LEFT. The laws of time will obey him - he's gone bad.

Director: "OK, luvvies. Action!"

The camera shows the Doctor Who momentarily bemused as he spots the Tardis buried in snow, surrounded by inquisitive reindeer. He raises an eyebrow then gives a knowing smirk.

Director: "Cut!"

The Doctor Who is on his mobile. "Listen, Ramsay. I've found the merchandise. Correctamundo. Enough to fill your freezers many times over. But it's gonna cost you. Yeah, I could use the sonic. But nah. You know me. Always happy to use a gun - just not when anyone's watching."

The evil the Doctor Who pauses to think, then continues. "If you think I'm gonna hump those carcasses into the Tardis, you're a bigger mother than I thought, Gordon. But I've had an idea. I think I might be able to get them to come to you - I'll just have a word with the Director. Hah!"

Moments later, filming resumes. The Doctor Who has hitched the reindeer to his mysterious blue box. With a maniacal laugh, he rides Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Donner, Blitzen and Rudolf away into the vortex... and to their certain doom.

Archivist: Suthers

Midnighty

The Doctor Who is on the last bus home with a bunch of spazez. The biggest spaz is Sky because she keeps repeating everything the Doctor Who says in a whiny voice and making him look a propa biatch. Here is a sample of the script taken from Russell Tea Davis' book 'E-mails I Sent Whilst Drunk or Over-Tired'.

The Doctor Who: Is that you Sky?

Sky: Is that you Sky?

The Doctor Who: Stop copying me!

Sky: Stop copying me!

The Doctor Who: You're being annoying!

Sky: You're being annoying!

The Doctor Who: (thinks, smirks and then says) I'm Sky and I'm a big poo pants.

Sky: I'm the Doctor Who and I'm a big poo pants.

Jethro: (points at the Doctor Who) Owned!

Anyway, The Doctor Who is getting really fed up with Sky making everyone laugh at him and then they all get in a strop with him coz he's like being a proper biatch and that's not cool so they try and get the bus conductor lady to throw him off the bus and there's nothing the Doctor Who can do coz he's like Sky's biaaaaaaatch. EPIC FAIL! OWNED! LOL!

Archivist: Garr

The Christmas of the Damned

The big ship sails on the Ally Ally Oh except it's not the Ally Ally Oh it's outer space and the big ship is the Titanic and the Titanic is crap and always sinks*.

Two fat ignorant people are on the ship ruining it for everyone by being fat and ignorant and dressing stupidly. The Doctor Who is nice them so that he can trick them into dying later which he does and they do. The Robots of Death are on the ship also, dressed up all Christmassy and pretending to be the Ood. Kylie Minouge is on the ship and she is beloved of the gays as is the Doctor Who but the Doctor Who is not a gay he is ...well he's not really arsed but he does like to manipulate the emotions of women that are far younger than him because it makes him feel full up inside, or at least a little more full up. Anyway, the Doctor Who sets to work on Kylie Minogue but she dies while she is trying to run over a severely disabled man in a fork-lift, which is surprising because no one would ever have guessed that Kylie Mynogge could drive fork-lift as it isn't really part of her usual working day and anyway don't you need a certificate or something. I knew a girl called julie drove one for a while and she got a cert and made good money out of it but not as much as a pop singer LOL.

Little Mo from Eastenders has had better Christmases than this but at least the gays are happy with their agenda ruining everything for me and Aunt Dolly who is very sensitive to such things and often in need of smelling salts. Oh, and there's a guy called the Bananalattecafe or something in it too but he's only a little bollix so forget about him and Geordie is on the Titanic going on about anomalies but everyone's too busy wondering if the meteoroids are actually meteorites and if they are how come they are on fire before passing through Earth's atmosphere so it's grand.

Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and the Water Board of Mars

The Doctor Who the going-slightly-mad-thanks-to-the-infernal-John-and-Gillian drops in on Mars but is captured by a robot called Inspector Gadget or something and taken to an colony of Earthlings. There he discovers that they have given a new meaning to the term "colonic irrigation" because water is pouring in from a burst pipe or something. So the Doctor Who rings Mars Water to complain and is left hanging on the phone listening to some muzak and thus discovers the torture called Water-Boarding. Adelaide calls a plumber but he sucks in air through his teeth and says "It'll cost yer". The Doctor Who finally snaps and kidnaps the entire colony because he's the ONLY ONE LEFT - conveniently forgetting about John and Gillian! OMG! Fail! Then he takes them all back to Earth. John and Gillian take the opportunity to get on the X Factor where they create a new form of torture by singing. They embarrass the Doctor Who by winning acres of space in the trashy tabloids which dub them "Jillian" to save space. But the ordeal is too much for Adelaide who shoots herself.

Archivist: Suthers

The End of Credulity

This episode may be lost in the sense that it hasn't quite been broadcast yet, but there can be no doubting its canonicity.

The Doctor Who the Tenth announces his plans to degenerate to join U.S. TV. His boss Rusty Pantsonfire runs around in a panic for several days before a sudden glint appears in his eye. He calls on his old Irish stereotype pal Eamonn Andrews to plan a special edition of That Was Your Lives to celebrate. The Doctor Who is lured into a trap by the Ood monsters where Eamonn presents him with the Big Red Book. He is whisked to a studio where all his old friends including Ian, Barbarella, Dodo, Daleks, Chumblies, Clangermen, the Master, Donna, Rose, Martha, John and Gillian, Wilf, Jamie etc etc regale him with tedious stories. Most of the other Doctors turn up by Doctor Five is sent down the wrong path. He wails: "There should have been another way."

Archivist: Suthers

Holby City of Death

Martha Jones bumps into a stranger on her way to work at the hospital leaving him so badly injured that he has to be rushed into casualty! It turns out to be the Doctor Who the tenth but she soon has him tucked up in bed. The Doctor Who is feeling a bit randy cos he is still missing Rose and so he gives Martha a saucy wink and invites her to get in between the sheets with him and flashes his sonic screwdriver. Martha giggles but then Hattie Jacques comes in and Martha says sorry matron and she is so in trouble. The Doctor Who is amazed at all the attention he is getting from lots of soap stars off of Corrie and that fat dim bloke off of EastEnders, no not Barry but that other one that used to run the video shop, you know, Nigel. Plus Patsy thingy, wife of that Noel Edmonds out of Oasis. Doctor Who is having a laugh with new friends Peter Bowles and James Bolam until Doctor Victor Constantine tells them to shut up. Then the Doctor Who's old friends the Judoons pop in to visit him and find him fighting the Stig and the other Stig off of Top Gear. They go to the Moon and back and then, in a moment of complete frustration and madness, the Doctor Who kidnaps Martha and whisks her off into the vortex.

Archivist: Suthers

Scottish Bad Wolf

The Doctor Who the tenth and Rose romp in the heather until the approach of a carriage interrupts their fumblings. An escort rider rebukes Rose for her nakedness. But the Doctor Who goes all giggly and says if you think this is naked you should of seen her when I was threading daisies through her minge and that. And then Queen Victoria sticks her head out of the window and says naked, eh? and commands Rose to step forward and Rose says sorry for her nakedness, the noo, but the Queen says she doesn't mind a bit of nakedness and does Rose fancy a bit of lady fun. But the outrider reminds Her Majesty that they have to call at the local castle where a Bad Wolf is terrifying the monks and they have a laugh about monk-ey business but the Doctor Who kills the monster with his sonic screwdriver so everything is OK. However, Queen Victoria is so offended by the earlier rebuff that she tells the Doctor Who that he seems a bit fishy so she is setting up an institute, Codwoorth, that will be an anagram of his name and work outside the Ministry of Fisheries and Food to hunt him down. Then they bid each other a fond farewell and it is off into the vortex once more.

Archivist: Suthers

Nude Earth

Rose is still puzzled by the change in her man. He has turned into the Doctor Who the what-what-WHAT? And as they lie naked on an alien pasture, she wonders if she can ever re-ignite that old spark. The new, chisel-jawed Time Lord seems hardly to notice her. "Neww-ah Earth-ah!" he declares. "And down there, the city-ah!.. New New New New New New New York-ah! Oh yes!" Rose glances around at the grass and thrusts her pelvis towards him. "Look at all them daisies," she says. " I was wonderin'... d'you wanna twiddle..." But he is away again, eager to reach the city. "But me minge!" she cries. "No worries," replies the Doctor Who. "Down there are the cat nuns. I'll have pussy galore!" "Wot, you really wanna go there?" asks Rose. "Correctamundo!" the Doctor Who declares, and then his eyes narrow. "Plus I've got a re-match with some chamois. Allons-y!" Belatedly, the Doctor Who notices the disappointment in Rose's face and his manner changes. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he says... "but don't worry, Rose, there'll be a little shop - there'll be chips!"

Archivist: Suthers

Last of the Time Spanks

You've been a very naughty boy said The Doctor Who and The Barsteward bit his bottom lip as if he knew just what to expect. Martha was puzzled. She had spent a year traveling the world, telling The Doctor Who stories (her favourite being Mr. Roberts' I Am A Muslim) to keep everyone happy and restore their faith in The Doctor Who and then this happens. She looked at the two time benders and knew that the whole conflagration, the one that had cost the planet Earth one tenth of it's population, was part of some elaborate game.

The Barsteward's eyes swiveled. He first ran this way and then another as his bewildered wife beard gazed on befuddled. The Doctor Who gave chase, although The Barsteward didn't seem to be running very fast and the whole thing looked a bit ...y'know. The Doctor Who vigorously wrestled The Barsteward to the ground and exposed his evil bottom in front of the whole room. "There, you see!" exclaimed The Doctor Who but no one knew what he meant, not even Captain Jack and he even knows about mad things to do with stop-watches. The Doctor Who thrust his hands deep into his pockets and began to rummage. "We'll see what we can do about your mischief young lady" he said and no one was sure who he was talking to. Then, The Doctor Who produced a long spatula and began to soundly thrash the Barsteward, who began emitting fey little gasps of pseudo displeasure. Martha gathered up her family, The Barsteward's wife beard, and Captain Jack and shepherded them out of the room. "REGENERATE! REGENERATE!" roared The Doctor Who (half smiling) as The Barsteward (suppressing a slight smile of his own beneath his little gasping performance) refused. "Defiant to the last eh?" said The Doctor Who producing a table tennis bat and knowing all the while that all he had to do was press the reset button and this transgression would be forgotten by most of the population but not Martha, who would hopefully be inspired to take a hike. Geordi found the incident anomalous but, on consultation with Mr. Cornell, grand.

Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and the Peril of the Dwindling Fish Stocks

The Doctor Who pops back to Earth to see his old friends at Torchwood and finds that everything has changed. The institute is no more and Gwen has taken up a new position at Codwoorth. They're outside the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea, beyond the Ministry of Fisheries and Food, next door to the abandoned branch of Woolworths, in a base called the Tub. Gwen and the team are busy watching activity in the Drift - a strong ocean current just off Cardiff Bay - and she is especially interested in a couple of Spanish trawlers in case they exceed their internationally agreed fishing quotas. Gwen suspects that their cod haul might be just a tad greater than European regulations currently allow. The Doctor Who suggests blowing them out of the water and sending them hurtling into a black hole, but Gwen decides to negotiate with the over-eager Spaniards instead. They apologise for exceeding their quotas a fraction and readily agree to fish for more sustainable fish stocks in the future. Foiled once again in his bloodlust, the Doctor Who wails "There should have been another way."

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who Wants To Be a Gillianaire

Having bid farewell for a second time to the crabby aliens, the Doctor Who the tenth suddenly comes over all serious like. He sits Martha down and tells her of his home world Gallifrey. Martha tilts her head, with a loving smile, and stares fascinated at the man she loves. The Doctor Who describes his planet's fields of deep red grass, capped with snow. Martha glances at her watch. He recalls how Gallifrey's second sun would rise in the south and the mountains would shine. Martha raises her eyebrows and then stifles a yawn. And the silver-leafed trees look like a forest on fire in the mornings, blah blah blah. The Doctor Who gently wakes Martha to say that there is something else. "What now?" she sighs. Turns out he hasn't been entirely honest and he's not quite the last of the Time Lords. For just past the clothes racks in the Tardis and before you get to the remains of the fetid pile of poo, there are the private quarters of John and Gillian, who he keeps under house arrest - for their own safety mind. Martha is a little shocked and wonders why he is telling her now and the Doctor Who reveals that their next destination is a planet in the Tarrantula Nebula in the constellation of Castersugaribus where they love quizzes and contests and he thought he might raffle Gillian off. Martha thinks it is a brilliant idea and they rush off into time and space once more.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Army of Dads

"This is the story of how I died...laughing"

The Doctor Who number ten takes Rose home to see her mum. Jackie is all happy like cos her Dad has come back from the grave to haunt her. But the Doctor Who whips out the naffest BBC prop ever, his cardboard 3D glasses, and spots that the "Dad" is really Sergeant Wilson off of Dad's Army who has fallen through time and the smarmy git can't believe his luck!! The Doctor Who realises that the rest of the Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard is lined up and ready to march through the rift in the space-time continuum thanks to the continued interference of new ministry for aliens and fisheries Codwoorth (see DWF passim). The platoon marches through the rift though Pike worries that his mum won't like him staying out too long and Godfrey is concerned what Dolly will make of it. Suddenly a void ship lands, and Dalek U-boat commander Sec and two chums jump out. Corporal Jones cries "Don't Panic" and - momentarily forgetting the agenda - "They don't like it up 'em". They demand "Vot is your name" and Captain Mainwaring says "Don't tell him, Pike!" The Doctor Who regrets leaving Oneforthedads behind on Gallifrey now that the Dads have finally arrived!!! Duhhh!

Next week: 'We're Doomed' Day.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Planet of the Deaf

The Doctor Who (10) mislays the fluid link once again, rendering the Tardis inoperational, and so has to catch a bus across the city to visit his best friend Captain Jack. To his horror, he realises he has boarded the wrong bus and his double-decker has been taken over by evil "pop" stars Cliff Richard and the Shadows Proclamation for a summer holiday. The Doctor Who chats up a tasty girl passenger off of EastEnders and some American Bionic Girl-type ****nstuff to take his mind off the horrible singing. Just as the Doctor Who thinks he is getting past first base, the bus disappears through a rip in the space-time continuum, like you do, and emerges on the planet Dubai. But Cliff and his crew are determined to continuing ruining everyone's trip and continue with their barrage of noise. The peace-loving Dubaibians are appalled by the assault on their senses and gouge out their own eardrums!!! The Doctor Who tells them "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." The Dubaibians reply "What did you say?". Doctor Who replies: "I SAID, I'M SORRY, I'M SO SORRY!" The Dubaibians reply: "We're sorry?" "NO!" replies the Doctor Who, "I'M THE ONE WHO'S SORRY, SO SORRY!!" before escaping for another escapade.

Archivist: Suthers

The Waterstones of Mars

This tenth doctor special sees the Doctor Who pop into the Syrtis Major branch of Waterstones to pick up a Haynes manual on the Type 40 Tardis and he's browsing but keeps getting distracted by silly scribbled notes from staff about their favourite books and he only wants that book and a Gordon Ramsay cookbook, but the stickers say buy two get one free so he feels obliged to look for something else, even though he doesn't want it, and idle people are just lounging around in the sofas so he nearly trips over their feet or doing their homework at the tables like it is a library for chrissakes, or sitting drinking their poncy lattes from a Costa which has materialised inside the shop and then when he comes to pay the staff seem to be too busy shuffling books or something so he has a breakdown and throws the blimmin' books in the air and runs around screaming and pulling books off the shelves and saying he has the right because he's THE ONLY ONE LEFT and so they call the police and the Doctor Who gets sectioned and put away leaving John and Gillian to play havoc with the Tardis and Susan without a grandfather in any real sense of the word. Clearly a fresh degeneration could not be far away.

Archivist: Suthers