Doctor Who and the Curves of Androzani

Doctor Who the fifth has been acting strangely ever since Peri ran around in that bikini. She catches him several times lurking around the Tardis in a bid to check out her giant bazookas. Finally he plucks up courage to ask her out to a rave on Androlloydwebbery plus they take in a show, Phantom of the Opera. Peri's still not really interested so Doctor Who pretends to get shot. When that does no good, he gets some Es off the barman. Finally, reverting to his deep-seated wickedness, he slips some rohypnol into her Bacardi and Coke and she passes out. Doctor Who can barely believe his luck as he quickly carries Peri's limp, curvaceous form back to the Tardis to have his evil way with her. But no sooner has he thrown her to the floor than the excitement becomes all too much and it is all over for him. Doctor Who feels such shame that his body is forced to degenerate once more. Doctor Who the sixth wakes up to find Peri leaning over him, bazookas bulging, and cruelly deriding his lack of libido.

Archivist: Suthers

Earthshocky

Adric keeps looking at people doing mad things in the nude on the Space Time Visualiser and standing back and putting his hand to his mouth and giggling and then kind of creeping forward and rewinding and watching again. He's being really weird around the girls too so the Doctor Who decides that he must die. Being a pacifist, the Doctor Who sets it up so that his old friends the Cyberlads can arrange a little accident for Adric. The Cyberlads, who are spending their time checking out old Who vids and hanging around with spandex clad modern dance types in caves, agree to help the Doctor Who as they are a bit bored anyway. Seeing as the Cyberlads have arranged to do in Beryl Reid they decide to throw Adric in on the deal and hit two birds with one stone but it's not a stone it's a giant spaceship and it's not two birds but one Earth!!! Adric finds a computer on the giant spaceship and becomes so preoccupied with trying to download people doing mad things in the nude and standing back and giggling with his hand to his mouth that he completely forgets to get off the massive huge spaceship before ...KABOOM! Poor dinos but mammals happy, ...mmm fur!

Meanwhile, on the TARDIS, the Doctor Who, the two girls, and the Cyberlads are goofing around with Adric's stuff for the laugh and leave it all over the floor and broken and that. Everyone forgets about Adric by Heathrow teatime and Geordie's anomaly is grand and only causes the happy music at the end to vanish.

Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and the Worriers of the Deep

The Doctor Who the fifth visits the seaside but discovers that the local fish people are all in a terrible tizz. Icthar has emerged from the ocean with a nagging fear that he might have left the gas on. His Silurian chums are fretting about the weather while Sea Devil colleagues are worried that they won't measure up in the trouser department. The Doctor Who takes them all to a fishing contest to take their minds off their anxieties and they thoroughly enjoy the experience. Unfortunately fighting breaks out at the weigh-in when the winning scores are contested but organiser Commander Vorshak refuse to measure the catches again. The Doctor Who is left complaining "There should have been another weigh."

Archivist: Suthers

Planet of Firey Fire Planets

Peri is in a bikini and Kamelion starts acting like a knob and pretending to be her dad and freaking her out and she's in her bikini. As Peri is in her bikini the Bar Steward shows up but he's only a tiny little bollix and Peri, who was in her bikini, goes to kill him with her shoe. Proper order Peri, now quick, change back into the bikini! Peri's bikini bit is good and she's kind of wantonly unconscious for a bit in her bikini and Turlough discovers that he is from a planet that is ruled by Department S and has people around Turlough's age on it so he opts to leave the TARDIS (just as Peri bikini is coming aboard which is a bit of a dumb thing to do) and Peri is in her bikini and The Doctor Who fires Kamelion (hence the 'fire' in the title) because he keeps breaking down and anyway now The Doctor who has got Peri and her bikini so who needs a broke robot that helps the Bar Steward? Peri is in her bikini as Geordie Peri anomaly bikini grand.

Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and the Log Police

Dippy stewardess Tegan mistakes the Tardis for a portaloo on her way to the airport and stumbles inside. Unfortunately her visit coincides with a spot check by interplanetary sanitary squad the Log Police. The Doctor Who (4) protests that in all his 900 years since 1963, no one has ever asked to avail themselves of bathroom facilities. The toilet taskforce flash their search warrant and, just beyond John and Gillian's prison, make a horrifying discovery. Round the back and out of the way where they hoped no one would notice, companions Susan, Ian, Barbara, Vicki, Steven, Katarina, Doodoos, Polly, Ben, Jamie, Victoria, Zoe, Liz, Jo, Sarah Jane, Harry, Leela, Romana, Adric and Nyssa the pisser have left their logs in a vast fetid pile of waste. The Log Police offer to say no more about it this time just so long as the Doctor Who pops straight down to B&Q and installs some proper toilets and so he does. Tegan, Adric, Nyssa and her dad the Master happily avail themselves of the new facilities. But they can't shake off the feeling that they are being watched. The Master chases a wraith-like peeping tom onto the gantry of a nearby radio telescope and sends him hurtling to the ground. The companions gather neatly round and rip off the voyeur's disguise. "So he was the Doctor Who all the time," says Adric. Racked once more with shame, the Doctor Who is forced to degenerate into new Doctor Who (5) who manages a wan smile. Then, bidding the Master a fond farewell, they set off for a well-deserved holiday in Castrovalva.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Black Orchid

The Doctor Who the fifth takes Tegan, Nyssa, Aldi, Lidl and Adric to see one of England's famous stately homes. Tegan is like, yawn, must we, and the Doctor Who is like yes we must, you might learn something, so there. But then the Tardis jumps several time tracks and plunges them way back in time in the Twenties. Stumbling into the daylight, the Tardis crowd play a bit of cricket, arrange a fancy dress party and solve a few murders but the Doctor Who gets impatient waiting for the alien monsters. "Where's the fecking monsters, then?" he demands of Lord Cranleigh. The noble lord offers a black orchid but a blow from the Doctor Who's hand sends it flying. "They promised me monsters and aliens," he rages. "There's always feckin' monsters and aliens. Who do you think I am, the Doctor Who the feckin' first?" Cranleigh replies that he's heard there might be a giant wasp at Agatha Christie's place down the road but the Doctor Who is having none of it and breaks down in tears. Nyssa tries to comfort him, telling him to forget the black orchid and she might show him her pink clematis. Reinvigorated and beaming, the Doctor Who follows Nyssa back to the Tardis while Tegan stands fuming, hands on her hips, and plotting revenge on her love rival.

Archivist: Suthers

Additional information from Archivist Garr: Meanwhile, Adric raids the drinks cabinet and then staggers out into the courtyard and pukes into the fountain. This makes a deformed bloke really angry and he goes nuts (in a kind of distasteful way). However, the deformed bloke gets distracted and and demands to see Nyssa's clematis because he's heard it's the image of his ex's clematis but Nyssa tells him to forget it and Adric pukes on his shoes.

Doctor Who and the Two Ranis

His patience sorely tested over the continued unreliability of the fluid link, the Doctor Who (5) steers the Tardis past the fishmongers, costermongers and rumourmongers to stop off at the ironmongers, or hardware store, to see if he can pick up a new one. He finds the place has been taken over by an evil snake and Kate O'Mara. Hilarity ensues as the Doctor Who attempts to purchase some fork handles, letters "o", peas and bathroom plugs. He endures the deadly fiends' attempt at comedy drama with The Wirrn That Turned, but leaves after feeling short-changed in the slapstick department. Head in hands, the Doctor Who wails "There should have been another 'wahey!'."

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Z-Cars X-Rays of E-Space on eBay*

The Doctor Who (5) is sent by the Time Lords to 13th Century England where the King is reported to be selling pirate DVDs of Doctor Who (3) story The Daemons on eBay. He gets there only to find that Inspector Watt off of Z Cars, and those "get a free pen with your life assurance" ads on telly for old people smelling of wee, is already on the case. Checking the King's copy of the Radio Times, the Doctor Who spots that the ridiculously named Sir Gilles Estram is an anagram of Master Lies Girls!!! The Doctor Who swiftly builds a Kamelion Arch to destroy the Master's mind before setting off for new adventures.

*Sometimes erroneously remembered as The King's Daemons

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Doctor Who and the Resurrection of the Chumblies

The Doctor Who number five, his arm safely removed from the cow's arse, is flying through space when the Tardis is caught in a time corridor and lands in a warehouse in London's Docklands. The Doctor Who meets up with his old friends the Likely Lads who explain that the evil Chumblies are trying to rescue their leader Chumbawamba from a space prison. Chumbawamba breaks free and causes a major intergalactic incident by throwing water over Earth leader John Prescott. The Doctor Who breaks down in despair, crying "There should have been another way" but the chief stewardess on the Tardis quits in disgust over the drenching.

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The Five Doctor Whos

A powerful force takes five early Doctor Whos out of the time stream, forgetting that there are actually millions of Doctor Whos around, or even an infinite number like, following the magical correction of the 12 regenerations lark in 2015. One of the Doctor Whos pulls out anyway, preferring to punt his bird up the canal instead. The Doctor Whos keep running into each other and all sort of old friends drop in including the Daleks, Cybermen and Chumblies. Finally they bid the powerful force farewell, thank it for having them and return to their normal lives.

Archivist: Suthers

The Doctor Who and the Castrovalvas

Doctor Who's fifth incarnation gets off to a very bad start when he accidentally lands the Tardis in the middle of an Escher painting. After lounging about in the Tardis's Hero-to-Zero Room, he spends hours running up and down never-ending staircases rather than the customary corridors authorised by the BBC. Luckily Doctor Who is still very good at anagrams and, thanks to the Radio Times cast list, realises that a strange man in a funny hat is actually The Master. Adric acts the buffoon, as ever, getting stuck in a spider's web, but unfortunately manages to get free.

Archivist: Suthers