Doctor Who and the Incredibly Stupid Idea

Steven Moffat bolted down his Cheerios and rushed from the breakfast table. He couldn't wait to get to Upper Boat to jot down his exciting new plans for the Doctor Who.

The horror of Moffat's plans begin to sink in.

As he entered his office, Mark Gatiss was already sitting across the desk. He looked up warily at the grinning, curly-haired showrunner with a terrible sense of foreboding.

Moffat burst into an excited babble. "Oh Mark, I've come up with the biggest wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey idea ever. This one's really going to boost the ratings!"

"Go on," said the slender writing rival, with an increasing feeling of unease.

"You'll love this one," blurted Moffat. "The Doctor Who will regenerate as a woman. No surprise there. Everyone's guessed. But then I'll send her back in her own timestream to meet an earlier Doctor - or maybe more - and they'll fall in love and get it together and in a paradoxy-woxy result, she gives birth to a baby who turns out to be the first Doctor Who!"

Gatiss sat frozen, the blood drained from his face.

"Oh, not for nothing do they call me the Mighty Moff," gabbled Moffat. "Never mind the impossible girl, this is going to be the impossible Doctor. And I reckon I can stretch it out over 13 episodes. Let me think now . . ."

Gatiss stared at his boss with a mixture of loathing and contempt. This overconfident clown was undoing 50 years of TV history. He was destroying the show he loved. Would there still be a Doctor Who when it came to be his turn to take the reins?

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Crybaby and the Muffin Men

Who broke my window? There will be consequences.

Jack the Tripper: (In silly, deep voice) "Have you seen the Muffin Man, the Muffin Man, the Muffin Man. Have you seen the Muffin Man who lives on Drury Lane?"

Madame Vacuous: "What are you rambling on about? You must be executed."

Jack: "But I know the secret of the Doctor Who. Even though I have never met him. He has a secret love for muffins. It is discovered."

Madame Vacuous: "Then you must be saved."

Jack: "Hang on, I know his name too . . ."

Madame Vacuous: "I must organise a conference call at once. It will give the Moff a chance to re-use his tedious desktop-theme joke."

Meanwhile, in a galaxy far far away

Commander Potato Head: "Are you looking at my pint?"

Stereotypical Scotsman: "Aye. And what are you gonna do aboot it? I'll gi ye a Glaswegian handshake."

Meanwhile in a Tardis far far away

Doctor Who: "So Clara. What can you possibly be?"

Clara: "Oh, I'm the impossible girl, Doctor Who."

Doctor Who: "I thought so. Tell you what, let's go to Trenzalore for a holiday. That will sort you out. But first I must sit down and have a little cry."

Spot of sobbing. They step out of the Tardis.

Doctor Who. "I remember when this was all fields."

Muffin Men: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Archivist: Suthers

ATTACK OF THE TIME DIALOGUE

A rift in the time thing causes The Doctor Who the fourth slip through the rift in the time thing and meet a lady/girl thing who is hanging around the TARDIS during the 50^th anniversary of The Doctor Who's adventures being broadcast on space time visualisers.

The Doctor Who the fourth (dropping through time mid sentence): ...the very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. They don't alter their views to fit the facts. They alter the facts to fit their views. Which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs alteri... oh, hello.

Sassy MacFilrtyperkmoffatcouplingtypething: 'Show me your willy Mr. Time Knickers.'

Then The Doctor Who the eleventh dances into the room waving his arms about.

The Doctor Who the eleventh: I'm The Doctor Whooooo. I'm The Doctor Whoooodeedoooo.

The Doctor Who the fourth (under breath) : ...fuck's sake.

Archivist:Garr

MERRY CHRISTMESS MOFF

 

(pictured above: envelope pushing imagery)

On the planet Panto, The Doctor Who and Clara McPerky enjoy jolly japes in the type of snowy scene that might be conjured in the imagination of one who has no imagination.

“Oh The Doctor Who”, says Clara McSassy “I'm not going to make a shred of bloody sense”. The Doctor Who is delighted and he says, “I love girls whose general narrative direction doesn't amount to anything remotely resembling a coherent story, just like River and Amy.”

Then some monsters come along (don't worry children, they were just the usual bunch of easily defeated arseholes - this time one looked like a popcorn machine and even made the same fuckin sound when it wasn't dialling in Magneto) and The Doctor Who tells Clara McCheeky that the monsters can only hurt her if she thinks negative thoughts and then The Doctor Who gives Clara McBubbly a copy of the best seller The Secret and informs her that it is the show's new story bible.

Then sad music comes on and the legacy of the irrepressible inventiveness, eccentric uniqueness, and pure intelligence of Lambert, Newman, Derbyshire, Nation and co. is laid out on a table and breathes its last and it rains tears on all of Whodom but no one cares or even notices because it reminds them all of a fun episode of Coupling with a dash of sub-Harry Potter, a pinch of Lois and Clark, and a large dollop of fuckin Merlin or that awful Robin Hood thing from a few years ago that didn't work out.

...and then Bruce Forsyth's Celebrity Dancing Holocaust comes on and everyone is so pissed drunk they think it's still The Doctor Who Self-Referential/Reverential Television Action Hour.

Archivist: Garr

The Least of Steven (we see the better)

It is that time of year again where even we dusty old archivists get all sentimental as we remember the birth of Baby Father Christmas.

And in a tradition that harks back to Uncle Willy's incarnation of the Doctor Who, when he turned to stare out at the viewers and tell them "I know where you live, children, and I'm coming to get you", we break down the fourth wall of the Internet by turning to you, the great unwashed, and wishing you very much would go away.

To help accomplish this, we present this Christmas anthem which some see as Murray Gold's finest work, about the loveable Daleks and their desire for cake and cuddles. His name does not appear in the credits in another timey-wimey tradition begun by Bill Nighy in the Doctor Who and the White Van Gogh Man.

Scholars of Whovianity note that the "Who is Dr Who" title on the graphic accompanying this recording, was later ripped off by latter-day show-runner Stefan Moffit to create mysterious, riddle-type nonsense about the Doctor Who.



Archivist: Suthers

RIVER JACK – SPIN OFF

(Pictured above: ooh, she’s got a big one)

Named after a Caribbean river so as to make the title a play on words, which is popular with the young people who make telly these days, this spin-off show saw Captain Jack and River Song meet and team-up for a series of adventures involving guns, high-fives, cheeky innuendos, and kind of plot type things. A general public (that was more than happy to improvise its own sense onto the random events taking place on screen) embraced the show. As long as the two main characters kept winking and joshing and generally being fabulous, the public stayed tuned. That is until Chibnall wrote a two-parter and the whole thing got cancelled.

Not to worry though, the two characters returned in every single episode of The Doctor Who television programme for the rest of its existence.

Every.

Single.

Episode.

That is until Chibnall wrote a two-parter and The Doctor Who television programme got cancelled too.  

Archivist: Garr

Production Notes by Stefan Moffitt

As an occasional interlude between archived tales, we are delighted that the Doctor Who showrunner Stefan Moffitt has agreed to contribute an occasional column detailing his exciting life producing our Saturday teatime favourite.

I can't tell you how exciting it was to get my hands on my favourite show - spoilers! - but it was like getting all the toys you wanted for Christmas. And best of all, I got to snatch it from the podgy fingers of that fat buffoon Rusty and take it back to the show we all knew and loved as kids.

Stefan Moffitt

It gives me a thrill today to hang around outside schools hearing the youngsters shouting classic Dalek lines like "Would you care for some tea?" just as we did in playgrounds in the sixties and seventies.

And though the duty officer down at the station warned me to stay away from the school gates in future, I felt I was able to persuade him of my true motives thanks to my much admired creative skills.

I knew I wanted to take the show back to its roots which is why I have been busy changing everything. You may think Rusty ruined the Cybermen, but even he was astonished at my success at wrecking the Daleks. 

"Oh Stefan, I'm full of awe," he exclaimed breathlessly on the blower. "I thought your new Tardis interior was taking a few liberties but destroying the fundamental form of the Doctor Who's greatest foes is a masterstroke. I wish I'd done it."

Then he started begging to write more Who. In his dreams!

No, it is my show now and I'll decide what goes in, thank you very much indeedy-doody. I want new monsters rather than tired old fiends which is why the first thing I did was bring all the old favourites back for my first finale. And what a joy to be able to write any story with the most ridiculous cliffhanger and just get out of it with some timey-wimey nonsense.

Enough! 

Stefan Moffitt