The Doctor Who and the ONE MORE TUNE!

(Pictured, Abigail in full song.)

“Please The Doctor Who, I’m tired and weak and I must return to my chamber,” says Abigail.
“Ah, give us another tune,” insists The Doctor Who (just as he insists every Christmas after opening the ice box and making the timer run down).
“Well, one more but then I really must return to my rest for fear of death,” says a weary Abigail before bursting into song and delighting The Doctor Who and various floating cod and haddock.
Abigail concludes her beautiful performance and quickly makes for her ice box thing but The Doctor Who blocks her way and starts to clap and chant “ONE MORE TUNE! ONE MORE TUNE! ONE MORE TUNE!”
Startled and disturbed by the implicit threat of The Doctor Who’s unnerving enthusiasm, Abigail once again breaks into song.
As Abigail finishes an astonishingly moving performance, she collapses to the ground and loses consciousness. The Doctor Who then bundles her back into the cooler with a few “bruskis” for next year but as he does so he realises that she is no more. Sir Kazran Gambon bursts into angry tears and rages at The Doctor Who’s selfish hubris. “Ah relax,” says The Doctor Who “there’s plenty more fish in the fog” and he points at a brown trout that dangles in the air nearby.

Archivist: Garr

The Doctor Who in the Nip

Tosh becomes The Doctor Who's companion and hangs around the TARDIS being weird. The two start banging on the cloister bell and screaming "Haroon Haroon Haroon Haroon" into the early hours and when Rose comes in to complain they are rude to her and say things like "are you still here?" which causes Rose to go off to that empty swimming pool place alone and cry into her chips.

Then the Daleks start a war but The Doctor Who and Tosh stop it by staying in bed for days on end, going around in the nip, and scrawling strange words like 'wish' on the TARDIS roundels.

Eventually, the Master has had enough of all this nonsense so he disguises himself as a dedicated Whovian and shoots The Doctor Who. Tosh commemorates The Doctor Who by having sweatshop Ood stitch the word 'fantastic' into Nike's latest footwear product.
Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and the Last Great Dime War

Rose wakes to find that the northern Doctor Who is no longer by her side. She runs through the Tardis's labyrinthian corridors to find him seated by the console, his head in his hands, deep in contemplation.

"Hello an'at," she says by way of greeting. "Wassa matter wiv you then? You're not finking abaht bloody planet Ireland again are you?"

The Doctor Who looks up. "I was there Rose. I was there for the last great Dime War. When no one had a dime. I saw it happen. I made it happen. The whole country burned, the people's money all lost."

Rose reached out a hand to touch the shoulder of the man she loved. "But everyfink turned out all right, didn't it?"

"No Rose. I lost everything. We were wiped out by the evil Dail-eks. The Dime Lords from Gallifrey's IMForeman junk bond branch tried to save us with a loan but we had to sell the whole planet to our deadly enemies the Brits as a theme park..." The Doctor Who's voice trailed away.

Rose wonders what she can say to help. But all she can blurt out is: "Can I 'ave some chips?"

Archivist: Suthers

The Drunken Doctor Who Goes Bad

The Doctor Who becomes an alcoholic during a stint when he breaks off from saving the universe to work as a plumber on Metabilis 3 to raise a bit of cash for granddaughter Susan's wedding.

When he discovers that Davros's cheque has bounced, he smashes up the planet and escapes by taxi.

His new evil persona leads the Doctor Who to steal £20,000 that the taxi driver asked him to look after in the back of the cab. It is discovered to have been forged by his deadly enemies the Chumblies and he is sent to jail.

The Doctor Who thinks it is just like that time in Bad Wolf when he was incarcerated aboard Satellite Seven - but this time he deserves it for his evil.



Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Crossover Conference

"..and then the Doctor Who says: 'Get out of my Tardis you baked old bat. Back to the Amazon with you, Jo Grant'. Credits roll. Da-dah!" Wide-eyed, RTD settled his enormous frame back in his chair, looking equally enormously pleased with himself.

Moffat stared disbelievingly for several seconds at the sweaty buffoon sitting across his desk. "I'm sorry Russell, it ain't gonna happen. He's my Doctor Who now and..."

"Sarah Jane is my show," interjected the excited oaf.

"He's my Doctor Who and, well, I can see I'm going to have to vet this script very closely," insisted the curly-haired showrunner. "But let's get back to the plot. Can you run it past me again?"

RTD was quivering with excitement like a giant jelly. Well, it's called Death of the Doctor and everyone thinks that the Doctor Who is dead. And it turns out he isn't!"

The Mighty Moff pondered for a moment. "Remind me of some of your previous storylines. What was that Weakest Link one again?"

"Oh yes," Russell with a proud chortle, "That was Bad Wolf where Rose got zapped and everyone thought she was dead - but she wasn't!"

Moffat sighed. "And what about Doomsday? You know, 'This is the story of how I died?'"

"Ha ha!" came the reply. "Yes, that's the one where everyone thought Rose was going to die. But she didn't. I had them all going with that one."

The Moff rolled his eyes, sensing a theme. "And The Stolen Earth?"

"Oh yes, I was very pleased with that one. The Doctor Who got zapped by a Dalek and everyone thought he was going to die. But - big surprise - he siphoned off the energy from his hand, his handy spare hand. And, er, he didn't."

Steven had had enough. He flicked the switch on his intercom and called one word. "Security!"

Archivist: Suthers

The Mine Drobber

In a bid to 'Turn on, tune in and drop out' Zoe Herriot spikes the Tardis sandwiches with LSD and the whole jolly crew lie on the floor for five weeks having a gestalt hallucination. All their favourite characters from books come to visit them. Doctor Who's favourite books are, of course, the Target novels and so he relives all of his past and future apart from one or two adventures that are annoyingly missed out. He wakes from the bad trip muttering "what exactly was the second segment of the Key to Time?". He flips the fast return switch and they do it all over again. Caught in such a dreadful paradox, the show is almost cancelled after the 12 consecutive repeat of The Mine Drobber.

Archivist: Ogronic

The Invision

Zoe again causes mayhem when she decides to become a fashion model. She insists that she does a series of highly suspect photo-shoots, ending in one where she and Isobel are encouraged to lock lips dressed only in feather boas. Meanwhile, Soho porn baron Tobias Vaughn is creating a race of 'fetish-men' for himself and his slave who goes by the nickname 'Packer'. The Doctor is drawn into the seedy world through chasing Zoe and discovers Vaughn's dastardly plans. He gets a sound spanking from Jamie and they whisk Zoe off onto more adventures.

Archivist: Ogronic

Production Notes by Stefan Moffitt

As an occasional interlude between archived tales, we are delighted that the Doctor Who showrunner Stefan Moffitt has agreed to contribute an occasional column detailing his exciting life producing our Saturday teatime favourite.

I can't tell you how exciting it was to get my hands on my favourite show - spoilers! - but it was like getting all the toys you wanted for Christmas. And best of all, I got to snatch it from the podgy fingers of that fat buffoon Rusty and take it back to the show we all knew and loved as kids.

Stefan Moffitt

It gives me a thrill today to hang around outside schools hearing the youngsters shouting classic Dalek lines like "Would you care for some tea?" just as we did in playgrounds in the sixties and seventies.

And though the duty officer down at the station warned me to stay away from the school gates in future, I felt I was able to persuade him of my true motives thanks to my much admired creative skills.

I knew I wanted to take the show back to its roots which is why I have been busy changing everything. You may think Rusty ruined the Cybermen, but even he was astonished at my success at wrecking the Daleks. 

"Oh Stefan, I'm full of awe," he exclaimed breathlessly on the blower. "I thought your new Tardis interior was taking a few liberties but destroying the fundamental form of the Doctor Who's greatest foes is a masterstroke. I wish I'd done it."

Then he started begging to write more Who. In his dreams!

No, it is my show now and I'll decide what goes in, thank you very much indeedy-doody. I want new monsters rather than tired old fiends which is why the first thing I did was bring all the old favourites back for my first finale. And what a joy to be able to write any story with the most ridiculous cliffhanger and just get out of it with some timey-wimey nonsense.

Enough! 

Stefan Moffitt

The Doctor Who Ruins the Proms

Above: The Doctor Who - just before the savage outburst.

All the monsters and families are having a lovely time listening to Mr. Gold's music at the Proms when The Doctor Who shows up with a bomb type thing he must deactivate.
"You, child, help me defuse this bomb thing," says The Doctor Who as he pulls a little boy from the crowd and places a highly dangerous fuse between the child's teeth.
"Don't open your mouth!" orders The Doctor Who before asking the boy his name. The boy opens his mouth to answer and The Doctor Who freaks out in a Gordon (I have lady hair and am easily defeated in physical combat) Ramsey type of way..
"Don't open your mouth! What the f**k do you think you are doing? Do you want to kill everyone? Are you stupid?" roars the Timelad.
The little boy shakes his head to say 'no' without moving his mouth but The Doctor Who freaks out again.
"Don't move your f***ing head you f***ing idiot!" shouts The Doctor Who, "Christ above, it's like Adric all over again."
The little boy has tears in his eyes and is frozen to the spot, unsure what to do (like Matthew often was whilst on set with the beastly Tom - but that's a different story). The Doctor Who looks like he might kick the child up the arse but then Amy pops up and says, "for God's sake the Doctor Who, he's only eight years old!"
The Doctor Who places a hand over his eyes, breathes deeply and seems to calm down slightly. Then he strides toward the boy, yanks the fuse from his mouth and storms off. "Oh, it's Mr. Grumpy Face today," says Amy, causing The Doctor Who to turn and mutter, "oh what the f**k would you know about it, you probably just want to snog the little s**t."

And THAT is what ACTUALLY happened!

Archivist: Garr

The Doctor Who's fancy dress party

The Doctor Who gets a call on the Space Time Visualiser from River Song inviting him to a mid-summer rave at Stonehenge. "Promise there won't be any Vashta Nerada shadow monsters?" asks the Doctor Who. "What are they," replies his wife, "don't forget I'm not supposed to have met them yet, silly!".

Matt Smith dresses up as Tommy Cooper

Anyway, he gets there and - surprise! - it's a fancy dress party. River's come dressed as Cleopatra and Rory and his mates as Roman Centurian monsters. LOL! It is a slow start like parties often are but then a load of other mates plus a few hangers-on turn up from the pub dressed as Daleks, Cybermen, Chumblies, Rose, Adric and other monsters.

"Hang on, the Doctor Who," says Rory, "where's *your* costume?" "Oh yes," laughs the Doctor Who, "I'll just pop into this Pandorica and get changed - just like that!" The Doctor Who comes back after a brief  interlude dressed as Tommy Cooper which gives Rory a laugh but leaves some of their alien mates a little bemused. "Fez please, geddit?" says Rory. There is silence.

Anyway it's a great party but Amy has too much to drink and passes out, so Rory and the Doctor Who have a laugh and drape her in funny positions and dress her in funny clothes then put her in the Pandorica thingy to lie down for a bit before she throws up over anyone. Then, fearing she will wake up and have a go, cowardly the Doctor Who does a runner.

When Amy comes round she doesn't remember a thing but when she finds that Rory has cleared up her sick she decides to marry him. The wedding goes ahead but then, just as the speeches are beginning at the reception, Amy remembers how Rory and the Doctor Who mistreated her and has a big girlie tantrum. But after a few drinks, she has forgotten again and they all have a good laugh before the Big Bang when the Doctor Who comes back and takes Amy and Rory up the vortex."


Archivist: Suthers

Blame Amy Pond!

Left: Type 40 - Kaput!



















Two Gallifreyan TARDIS designers in overalls hold hot mugs of tea and scratch their noses as they discuss the latest model.

"So, what's the problem then?"

"Well, it's the Type 40."

"Oh, they aren't still moaning about the chameleon circuit are they? I said I'd get around to it."

"No, it's not that, it's the other thing."

"What other thing?"

"Y'know, the kaaaaaaaaboooooooom thing."

"Oh that. That'll never happen"

"But it might and if it does, well then the Universe..."

"Listen here now! You tell them we've got a lot of pre-orders for this model and we stand to make a fortune. If they're going to get all health and safety on this we're looking at a pretty heavy loss of revenue."

"But if it does, y'know, go kaaaaaaaaboooooooom we're looking at a crippling lawsuit."

"Listen, if it does go kaaaaaaaaboooooooom there will be no one around to sue. None of us will have existed so we won't be here to care. And another thing, even if someone does manage to survive being swept out of space/time reality, we can always just transfer liability or whatever they call it."

"Transfer liability?"

"Yeah, blame someone else. The consumer."

"The consumer?"

"Yeah, like that seven year old Scottish urchin you met on the space time visualiser."

"Ahh, no, not the cute wee one that cuts happy faces into apples!"

"Yeah. The one we sold the prototype to and now she uses it as a house."

"But that's mean."

"Ah, don't worry about her. She grows up to be a right loony anyway. Gets her boyfriend killed a few times and all. She's an accident waiting to happen. We'll blame her. We'll say she spilled some fish custard down the Eye of Harmony or something and we'll be off the hook, if indeed there is still a hook in existence which there won't be."

Archivist: Garr

The Doctor Who in Sex and the Settee

The Doctor Who may have changed his persona but his underlying perversity is beginning to rear its ugly head again. In his wickedness, and obsessed with the thought of cracks in the universe, he heads for Earth once more to seek relief.

The Doctor Who lands the Tardis in a park where he fancies there might be some dogging action, sending his time-space machine into a temporal loop to keep Amy Pond from spoiling his fun.

Unfortunately, with the park free of any such frivolity, the Doctor Who is guided by a kindly local to the red light district. Pausing only to steal some cash from a hole in the wall with his sonic screwdriver, he arrives at a house where a red lamp appears to be flickering upstairs.

To his great satisfaction, a voice summons him over the intercom: "Hello love, are you lookin' for some action? why dontcha come on in?"

"Thanks, just call me the Doctor Who," says the Doctor Who. "I've got the, er, rent."

Indoors, and unaware of the debauchery within the house, self-proclaimed funnyman James Corden and his young lady Sarah Jessica Parker Bowles are snuggling up on the sofa and looking forward to some romantic interaction. Suddenly, to their horror, they realise they are not alone. There is a voyeur in their midst - a stranger lurking behind the sofa.

"Ah, er, hello. They call me the Doctor Who," says the Doctor Who as he rises from his hiding place. "I was just, er, testing the walls."

"Don't give me that," says James. "You got that from John Cleese in Fawlty Towers."

But then their attention is distracted by a commotion above them. "Ooooh, what's that banging upstairs?" asks Sarah Jessica Parker Bowles.

"Banging upstairs? I've clearly got the wrong apartment," says the Doctor Who. And he is off at once, looking for a new adventure.

Archivist: Suthers

The Doctor Who and The Issues Helpline

FX: Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Pause. Ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring.

Caller: "Hi, is that the helpline. You gotta help me guys. Er, hello?"

FX: Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now muzak by The Matt Smiths plays for an eternity.

Operator: "Right then. What do you want?"

Caller: "Oh thank goodness. Please help me. I've been affected by the issues."

Operator: "Well we gathered that. Otherwise you wouldn't be ringing would you?"

Caller: "Er, no I suppose not..."

Operator: "So you're depressed are you? A little bit under the weather and can't pull yourself together."

Caller: "Well I'm a little bit down but it's not depression. That's not the issue."

Operator: "What is it then?"

Caller: "My boyfriend died like that a couple of weeks back. He got stabbed through the heart by an artist's easel."

Operator: "Well it's easel-y done!"

Caller: "I'm sorry?"

Operator: "I said it's easel-y done. EASEL-Y geddit? OK, please yourself."

Caller: "Oh I see... Well yes, that is rather good. Ha ha! You know I feel better already."

Operator: "That's nice. Hey, did you see that Codwoorth is coming back?"

Archivist: Suthers

The Doctor Who and The Vincent van Gogh

The Vincent van Gogh is hearing things. Awful things that no one else can hear. He hears the evil music of Athlete, Coldplay, Snow Patrol and Keane.

SO! The Vincent van Gogh calls The Doctor Who on his loony phone. "Hello The Doctor Who, I'm hearing things again," he says and The Doctor Who says, "oh Vincent, you old loony with your trendy mental health issues, I think it's time you bucked up and faced life like a man."
"I know I should The Doctor Who," says The Vincent van Gogh, "but it's these dripping sentimental stadium rock power ballads, they are doing my head in. I can't get any painting done. Seriously, it's as evil as T'Pau's China In Your Hands or something by Chris DeBurgh."

The Doctor Who reckons that there is no music and that The Vincent van Gogh is just looking for attention or trying to be trendy or something. However, The Doctor Who changes his mind when The Vincent van Gogh shows up at the TARDIS door with Chris Martin impaled on the end an tripod easel. "Nice one," says The Doctor Who, "so it looks like loonies are cool after all."
"Yes," says The Vincent van Gogh, feeling all validated and with a tear in his eye, "loonies are cool."

The Timelad and the artist hug before setting out to kill more syrupy anthem stadium rockers with an array of artist's materials.
Archivist: Garr

AMY POND IS SPOILT

The above graph has been temporarily placed on the archive as proof that Amy Pond is indeed spoilt and the cause of the crack and poor Rory's death/ceasing to exist amongst other things. CLICK TO ENLARGE!

See discussion:
http://gallifreybase.com/forum/showthread.php?t=54481

Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and the Hole in the Ground

The Doctor Who is called back to Wales. But it's not the rift. It's the Kumars at No. 42, the world's smallest mining company, who are in the process of drilling into the Earth.

"Hi Granny Kumar," says the Doctor Who. "I came as soon as I could. What seems to be the trouble?"

"Oh thank the lord," says Granny Kumar. " We're just trying to drill into the ground to meet your old friends the Silurians."

"Oh, that's nice," says the Doctor Who.

"Yes," says Granny Kumar. "But we are constantly being bothered by that chap over there. Says he's a friend of yours. He keeps telling us not to dig there, but to dig it elsewhere. That we're digging it round and it ought to be square."

The Doctor Who glances over. It's Wilf! The Time Lord is not pleased. "We'll soon see about that," he says.

***

The Doctor Who and Wilf are seated in their favourite cafe again. The Doctor Who is still unhappy. "Look, you motherf***er. You shouldn't be here. You're RTD's monster. You're in the wrong timestream."

Wilf pulls down his woolly hat, then tries to explain his position: "I'm sorry, Doctor. But the shape of it's wrong, it's much much too long, and you can't put a hole where a hole don't belong."

The Doctor Who can take no more. Once again he falls back on his old solution. He rushes out to his van, grabs a gun and blasts Wilf  out of existence - just as his old Silurian friend is popping out of the ground. The Silurian looks at the horrific bloodshed and wails: "There should have been another way!"

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who Behaving Badly (aka Amy's Crack)

The Doctor Who and Rory are slumped on the sofa next to Amy, knocking back lagers, swapping knob gags and watching the telly. Amy, several months pregnant, is getting fed up with their childish banter.

"Cor, look at the hooters on that one," says the Doctor Gary as he stares into the goggle box. "Phwoarrr! I'd give 'er one."

"Right, that's it," says Amy. "It's about time you grew up." The Doctor Who turns to her. "I look young for my age. But I'm really 940 years old." Then he and Rory both dissolve into fits of uncontrollable laughter.

But then the Doctor Who looks back and has spotted something. "You look like you swallowed a planet. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Amy replies: "Yes, I'm pregnant."

"You're bloody huge, you are, ha ha ha ha," chips in Rory.

"Yes," replies Amy. "I'm pregnant."

The Doctor Who is passing out in an alcoholic haze. But something has registered. "Are you pregnant?" he asks before everything goes black.

***

The Doctor Who is in the office trying to sell burglar alarms. He is wary about the old folk, George and Anthea, working with him. Their old-fashioned ways drive him to exasperation. "Are you OK," asks Anthea. "It's all right," says the Doctor Who. "I just had a mare." They get back to work. It is all so tedious that the day becomes a blur.

***

The Doctor Who, Amy and Rory are slumped back on the sofa. Doctor Gary and Tony, sorry, Rory are guzzling lager, giggling and talking about sex. It feels like Groundhog Day all over again.

Then the Doctor Who notices that he has switched from the office to his sofa again. "Rory," he says. "How did we get here?"

"That's a bit philosophical for this time of night," says Rory. "Let's have another lager. And look at the headlights on that!" "Ha ha ha ha ha," says the Doctor Who. Then he notices Amy's bulge again. "Are you all right," he asks. "You look all elephanty."

Amy just sighs. "I wanted to watch Graham Norton," she says. "But I couldn't set the video." "Yes, I'm sorry about that," says the Doctor Who. "I threw the manual into a supernova."

***

The Doctor Who is back in the office trying to sell burglar alarms. He is wary about the old folk, George and Anthea, working with him. They have parked their zimmer frames by the door. Everything becomes a blur.

(This was a recursive story. Please return to paragraph one.)

Archivist: Suthers

Bog Standard in Venice

Look out Amy, it's the Bog Standard!



The Doctor Who meets some bog standard monsters with a fairly bog standard plan and it's all quite bog standard. The Bog Standards (from the planet Bog Standard) feel they are season finale material as they have a device that can flood cities and are kind of like vampires and have a family dynamic thing going which they consider quite novel but The Doctor Who tells them that he's done vampires, that the Slitheen and the Family of Blood beat them to the family thing and, despite the wonderful location, it's all just really "bog standard". "You may as well just go and call me DoKtooorrrr while you're at it" says the Time Lad as he climbs onto their roof and switches off their machine with considerably less bother than the late Rod Hull had fixing his telly reception.

Meanwhile, Amy gets bored so she makes simple minded dog's body Rory fight one of the Bog Standard for her amusement, a bit like Estella does to Pip in Great Expectations except Rory is quite a bit older than Pip and should have a bit of self-respect but oh no, off he goes. Eejit.

Archivist: Garr

Angels Having the Crack!

Pictured above: "Oh, for f**k's sake"


Three weeping angels have a head to head about what to do next...

AGNES: Right girls, they are on to the whole blinking gimmick and closing one eye at a time. We'll have to come up with some new tricks.

BERNADETTE: We could pounce out of CCTV footage.

AGNES: Yeah, that's not bad.

PHILOMENA: We could get inside their eyeballs and freak them out.

BERNADETTE (ignoring Philomena): I can do quite a good imitation of that bloke we just killed, what's his name, Bob. I could do his voice on the walkie talkie.

AGNES: Oooh, creepy, but can you work the walkie talkie?

BERNADETTE: As long as no one's watching.

PHILOMENA: We could nick the Doctor's coat.

BERNADETTE (incredulously): Pardon?

PHILOMENA: We could nick the Doctor's coat and give him a wedgie.

BERNADETTE: A wedgie??? Wedgie's aren't scary.

PHILOMENA: They are.

BERNADETTE: No they aren't, they're stupid.

PHILOMENA: You're stupid.

BERNADETTE: Oh come on! You want to nick his coat and give him a wedgie? We'll be the laughing stock.

PHILOMENA: You'll be the laughing stock.

BERNADETTE: What does that even mean?

PHILOMENA: What do you even mean?

BERNADETTE (to Agnes about Philomena): She's a fruitcake. I can't work with her.

PHILOMENA: You're the fruitcake you can't work with her.

BERNADETTE: OK, that definitely made no sense.

PHILOMENA: You definitely made no sense.

AGNES: OK you two. Knock it off. Now, does anyone feel that draft?

BERNADETTE: It seems to be coming from that crack.

PHILOMENA: More like, it seems to be coming from your crack.

BERNADETTE: Oh, for f**k's sake.

PHILOMENA: You're for f**k's sake.

BERNADETTE: What is your problem?

PHILOMENA: You're my problem, Drafty Crack!

AGNES: Ah now girls, come on.

BERNADETTE: Look, I'm going to do the walkie talkie thing. You two can nick coats and give wedgies or whatever you like.

Bernadette exits the scene.

PHILOMENA (shouting): Fine, we will (mutters) ...drafty cracked queef merchant.

Archivist: Garr

The New Dalek Victory

(Why not drop down to our Dalek showroom?)

Banana, strawberry, mango, lemon or orange, no matter what fruity flavour you choose from the new Dalek Victory range you'll be guaranteed a spacious airy cabin with plenty of room not to mention a decent sized boot(y) for jammy dodger storage. There's more than enough space in this cheekily vibrant humpbacked hatchback to satisfy the needs of any struggling actor.

By ingeniously combining traditional Dalek design with the DNA of the Cyber-Controller from Attack of the Cyberlads, the Dalek Victory kick-starts a new paradigm in Dalek operator comfort.

Just listen to these testimonials:

"It's a really comfortable ride. I can't believe they used stuff people into those little postbox Daleks before now, that was a human rights violation surely." Jim (actor - struggling).

"The generous interior of the Dalek Victory means I can comfortably enjoy meals without having to leave its confines. I fancy the new continuity girl but I'm pretty shy. Thanks to the Dalek Victory, I don't have to worry about looking like a stuttering sweaty fool in front of her when I pop my head out for lunch. In short, ideal." Duncan (actor -also struggling).

"At first I thought it was shite but then I adjusted to it, a bit like I did with the new theme music." Gregory (actor - floundering).

"They are totally gay and so am I so everyone's a winner." Reg (actor - struggling).

Why not pop down to your nearest alien menace dealer and try out the new Dalek Victory?

You'll be glad you did.

Archivist: Garr

The Beast Below (or One in the Eye for Thatcher)

Pictured: Amy Pond - Yesterday.

The Doctor Who and Amy (who doesn't even bother to get out of her pyjamas like a working class person) arrive at a thinly veiled analogy for Thatcher's Briton where they discover the bourgeoisie riding around on the back of a star whale (i.e. the proletariat). The bourgeoisie are torturing the whale (i.e. baton charging the striking miners) so The Doctor Who and Amy decide to "bring down the government" (i.e. overthrow Thatcher's Briton, just like Ben Elton and The Style Council did in the eighties).

Needless to say, The Doctor Who and Amy succeed and befriend the Queen in the process but they don't go all sycophantic and cap doffing like Ben Elton did at those Royal Command performances or whatever they are called, which is funny because he used take the p**s out of Jimmy Tarbuck for doing the same thing ...but I digress. The long and short of it is that Thatcher's Briton is left reeling in the wake of this savage indictment just like it was after The Happiness Patrol and The Doctor Who and Amy zoom off to 10 Downing Street to hang around and discuss Feng Shui with Cherie Blair and various Cool Britannia types like Sadie Frost and the bass player from The Wonderstuff probably, ...I'm not sure, all that lot anyway. TAKE THAT THATCHER'S BRITON!

Archivist: Garr

Eleven Hours of Total Carnage

Pictured: New Companion - Amy Pond

Little Amy Pond prays to the Devil (I swear I heard her say 'Satan') so The Doctor Who (who has taken the form of a youthful, ne'er do well, Yob) arrives and encourages her to wreck her bedroom wall, make a mess in the kitchen and invite crazy monsters from a another dimension into our world for the laugh like. CRUMBS READERS, LOOKS LIKE TROUBLE!

The Doctor Who The Yob goes back to the TARDIS to see if he can find some glue for him and Amy to sniff (Amy's Aunt did have some furniture glue but it was incinerated when The Doctor Who The Yob ram-raided the shed where it was kept). Having imbibed Amy's Aunt's entire drinks cabinet, The Doctor Who The Yob forgets why he went into the TARDIS in the first place and just leaves. Then he comes back twelve years later and finds a 'troubled' Amy hanging out with some softy called Rory so The Doctor Who The Yob grabs Rory's lapels (I swear, check it out, he's a yobbo and no mistake), roughs up Rory's hair (this also happens, he's a rough youth this The Doctor Who) and generally gives Rory the Gripper Stebson treatment.

Then The Doctor Who The Yob wrecks a public telephone and nicks stuff off sick people (their clothes etc.). Then the crazy monsters from another dimension show up to hang out and that but The Doctor Who The Yob threatens them and takes their smokes off them before they run away. Then The Doctor Who The Yob and Amy smoke the cigarettes and go joy riding in the TARDIS where the Doctor Who The Yob boasts of his swimming pool that is filled with extra strength cider. They leave a trail of destruction and a heartbroken Rory the softy in their wake ...and all in only eleven hours (Gallifreyan Yob Time that is). GEEEERRRRRRROOOOOOONNNNNNIIIIIIMO READERS!
Archivist: Garr

Inflatable Doctor Who and the Nudist Colony from Space - Part 2

OK, by popular demand, and since a commission of Inflatable Doctor Who by the BBC seems IMMINENT, I'm delivering Episode Two of our exciting new story.

Archivist: Suthers

Inflatable Doctor Who and the Nudist Colony from Space

This is being archived IN ADVANCE to make sure the BBC don't conveniently go and lose it when it is put to the production team. Click to make it bigger and to enjoy the full dramatic effect! It will be continued when commissioned!!

Archivist: Suthers

In a Fix with Sontarans

Left: A Sontaran in a fix.


















Gareth Jenkins, aged 8, gets to be The Doctor Who because frankly he is spoilt. I wrote to Jim'll Fix It several times requesting that I be allowed give Peri a bath but I was ignored. IGNORED! Not only that, but Jenkins demanded that his nan make him a The Doctor Who outfit and he had also a tent that was like a TARDIS. Will this greedy child ever be happy? Find out by watching 'In a Fix with Sontarans' available via Tartan video.


Archivist: Garr

Mission to the Unknownest Planet of the Unknown

(William Hartnell and popular game-show host Bagpuss chatting backstage at Children in Need - 1965)






The Doctor Who doesn't even bother to show up for this one (probably at Children in Need or having another of his little 'lie downs' or something). Anyway, who needs him? This bloke sees a gang of Boobahs drinking cider on the corner of his street. Fearing that this might mean trouble ahead, he attempts to contact the authorities but a Boobah nicks his mobile phone and the rest give him a kicking.

Geordie won't shut up about his precious anomalies either. 'Everything is grand Geordie' roar the viewers.

Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and the Fires of Up Pompeii

The prologue: Oooh no, missus. No, listen. Doctor Who the tenth, well, he brings Donna to Pompeii. To see Francis. I mean Lurcio. Well he doesn't want to mix with riff-raff. No? Oooh, please yourselves. Anyway, titter ye not. He comes to stay with Ludicrus, his wife Ammonia and their daughter Erotica. Anyway, no, listen. Listen to Francis. Doctor Who discovers that Albert Steptoe has fallen through time and is demanding back rent for when crochety Doctor Who did a runner from his time in Totty Lane. But is this the end? Nay, nay and thrice nay! For Doctor Who realises that the only way to defeat the evil Steptoe is to drown him in lava. Poor Steptoe! No, titter ye not. So he uses his sonic screwdriver to make Mount Vesuvius erupt. Oh it erupts for Frankie.
Epilogue: Doctor Who and Donna carry on up the vortex. No, listen... Oh, please yourselves.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Curves of Androzani

Doctor Who the fifth has been acting strangely ever since Peri ran around in that bikini. She catches him several times lurking around the Tardis in a bid to check out her giant bazookas. Finally he plucks up courage to ask her out to a rave on Androlloydwebbery plus they take in a show, Phantom of the Opera. Peri's still not really interested so Doctor Who pretends to get shot. When that does no good, he gets some Es off the barman. Finally, reverting to his deep-seated wickedness, he slips some rohypnol into her Bacardi and Coke and she passes out. Doctor Who can barely believe his luck as he quickly carries Peri's limp, curvaceous form back to the Tardis to have his evil way with her. But no sooner has he thrown her to the floor than the excitement becomes all too much and it is all over for him. Doctor Who feels such shame that his body is forced to degenerate once more. Doctor Who the sixth wakes up to find Peri leaning over him, bazookas bulging, and cruelly deriding his lack of libido.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and The Enemy Without

Moffat settled back in the leather chair of his new office at Upper Boat as he contemplated the future. The Time Lord's future - or should that be his past, he thought with a chuckle. What richness of ideas he might employ weaving strands of time with the mysterious fabric of what scientists were now calling the multiverse!

BEEEEEEEP! An annoying noise of the intercom jolted him from his creative musings. “I'm sorry, sir, but I've got that Russell T Partridge on the line again. Insists he needs to speak to you.”

Moffat picked up the phone with a sigh. “Rusty. Are you still in that Travel Inn? What is it this time?”

“All hail the Mighty Moff! Aha!” came the reply from the panting buffoon. “Listen, I've had another brilliant idea for a story. Epic stuff. The planets are all popping out. Pop, pop, pop. The Doctor Who races off to the Shimmering Falls of Shambolicness via the Wake of Finnegan and Rainbow of Finian, finds the Vest of Verbosity and Pants of Putrefaction just in time. Then pausing only to pop round to Rose's for a nice cup of tea - because everyone stops for a cuppa, very English – he siphons off the energy and diverts it out the back of the Tardis through the Conservatory of Continuity and everything is ticketyboo.”

“Listen Russell. I've told you. It's my show now...”

“Wait! How about this one. Doctor Who idea for the Beeb No 253. Donna's in the launderette, washing her smalls making faces at the Doctor Who through the window. Suddenly all the washing machines start shaking violently, their doors burst open and an army of 50 million Cybermen march through... Think of the ratings!”

“Goodbye Russell!”

“I can add Daleks... Slitheen?”

Moffat slammed down the phone and put his head in his hands. This was supposed to be his dream job. How had it ever come to this?”

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Unravelling of the Daleks

Doctor Who the sixth gets news on the time-space visualiser that his old friend Davros has been kidnapped by an army of mutant zombies on the planet Necros. He speeds there with Peri in the Tardis only to discover that the zombies are being brought back from the dead by none other than Mr Copper, off of Titanic, and his floosie. Doctor Who shoots them dead then bumps into Blackadder and Baldrick and gets them to help him break into the Restawhile old folk's home where the resident zombies have turned poor Davros into a real-life Magic Robot guessing game just like in the Fifties, or was it sixties when you wondered how on earth the magic robot knew (which was no relation to Garr's magic upskirt robot dog) but of course it was all about how the mechanism or magnets or whatever it was were arranged! Anyway, Mr Balowski, off of The Young Ones, is keeping everyone zombified by being a Dads' DJ and playing lots of middle-of-the-road crapola and embarrassing you in front of all your teenage mates by dancing like a loon. Luckily Doctor Who discovers that the real Davros is safe and hiding behind the curtains and calls his old friends the Daleks to take him safely back to his real home on Skaro.

Archivist: Suthers

Boob Town

The Doctor Who the northern and Rose appear to have got their relationship back on track. But she notices he's getting home later and later every night from his new job in Cardiff. "It's OK. I've just got a lot on," he says when she challenges him. "But I don't even know what it is you do," she complains. The Doctor Who sits Rose down and, idly twiddling her minge, explains how he is a top scientific advisor. "Wot, like wot you was before for UNIT?" she asks, stuffing her face with chips. "That's right," says the Doctor Who, "except in those days I was helping taffy grow big fat luminous maggots. Now, by 'eck, I'm advising on an exciting new project t' build power stations." Rose seems happy with his answer. But next night, as she is going out for some chips, she spots him in the local bistro apparently canoodling with a rather large lady. Rose bursts in and confronts the pair. "Er, it's OK," says the Doctor Who. "This is t' Mayor, my boss. We're just, er, discussing power plant." Rose runs from the restaurant, cheeks flushed. How could she be so foolish and humiliate the man she loves. She feels more relaxed as she dusts around the Tardis, until a glance at the time-space visualiser reveals the terrible truth. For the Doctor Who has failed to log out, and the screen is filled with a vile, flesh-filled page of debauchery from the Big Buxom Wenches website for bouncing-boob lovers. "Damn you Peri, screams Rose. "Damn you for inciting this lust in the Doctor Who that can now never be sated."

Archivist: Suthers

The Doctor Who Chances

Continued from The Empty Bitch

Rose awakens from a terrible dream where Mr Meldrew's army of zombies are attacking the Doctor Who the northern. Her Doctor Who. Then reality hits her and she is filled with despair at the memories of the night before. Fighting to see through the tears, she makes her way to the console room. "He said stay in your room, slag," shouts John from his prison cell. "No, you must go to him," calls Gillian. And now Rose is speeding, half naked, through the streets, daisy petals falling from her minge. And she is running through the hospital's cold corridors, the walls are a blur. She can hear his voice. Rose bursts into the room. "I'm so sorry, Doct..." And suddenly she freezes. For he is there. But so is Jack. Captain Jack Rimmer. And the Doctor Who is showing Jack his banana. Rose turns and runs. "Rose! Rose!!" cries the Doctor Who the northern. "Go to her, Doctor Who," says Captain Jack. "You need her." And now the Doctor Who is running through the corridors. He catches up with Rose. They fall into each other's arms. Racked with guilt, Jack turns, fires up the Red Dwarf and shoots off into space. But then a strange thing happens. As the Doctor Who and Rose gaze into each other's eyes they realise they both need Jack. And racing to the Tardis, they set course for their next destination, the Red Dwarf. And the Doctor Who cries; "Just this once, everybody loves!"

'For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Rose and her Homeo'

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Empty Bitch

You can cut the tension with a knife. The honeymoon is over for the Doctor Who the northern and Rose and don't they just know it. "Where you going'" "I'm goin' to comedy club." "When are you coming back?" "1941." "Are you taking the whippets?" "What's it to you, bitch..." How could it ever come to this? And the recriminations. "So you're back then, as 'eck as like." "Yeah, well, you seem to have 'ad a good time." "Who was he?" "He was no one. Just... Jack. Someone who made me laugh." "Are you my mummy?" "Fook off, kid." "But why, Rose. I love you." "It's not enough. And where's me chips?" "Are you my mummy?" "I told you to fook off." "Don't do this to me, Doctor Who." "I gave you fookin' everything." "Where are you going?" "Out." "Where?" "The 'ospital. Victor Meldrew's doing a charity gig, so you can fook off with Captain fookin' Jack." "But you twiddled daisies in me minge." "Face it, bitch. It's over. Go to your room!" Silence.

To be continued!

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Invasion of the ITV Monsters

Flashback time and Jackie is telling a bedtime story to baby Rose but Rose asks, once again, about her non-existent Dad and Jackie says, "I told you he was a lumberjack and a tree fell on him in Canada," yeah, right! And baby Rose plots revenge on the man who made her a bastard...
Fast forward and the Doctor Who the northern is leaning, with his arms crossed on the Tardis and staring like he does, and she tells him about evil Dad. And he says, "when I said the Tardis could travel in time like," and she says, "yeah but you were twiddling daisies in my minge and that," And then he giggles and suggests why don't they go back in time and find Mr so-called Dad and push him under a car or something!! Brilliant! But Rose gets it wrong, like a girl, first time and the Doctor Who has to go back in time again and do it himself. But then something terrible happens. Someone flicking the telly back and forth between the Doctor Who and Buck Rogers or some shit has caused a tear in the space-time TV continuum and now the pterodactyls off of Primeval on ITV are all invading Doctor Who. But the Doctor Who don't care cos he is getting all loved up with Rose again and they're off up the vortex.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Dentistry of the Daleks

The Doctor Who the all teeth and curls is fed up to the back, er, teeth with being called the horror of fang rock behind his back and so decides to visit the dentist for the first time since he was crochety Doctor Who in The Bumfighters, as already chronicled. He discovers his old friend Davros has set up a dental clinic on Skaro with lovely Movellan girls as his nurses and hygienists. Doctor Who has to wait while Davros attends to some bleeding Androgums but then is swiftly dealt with. Davros admits that his clinic is not terribly busy due to the local Dalek population not having any teeth, so Doctor Who suggests he should use his talents and chemicals to produce some more Daleks instead. Then, teeth fixed and mouth rinsed, he whisks Romana away for another adventure.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Dusty Bin of the Daleks

The Doctor Who the seventh challenges his old friends the Daleks to appear on popular quiz show Bullseye with Jim Bowen but they look in the TV Times and immediately fall in love with a sexy dustbin on a rival quiz show 3-2-1. So Ted Rogers gives Doctor Who two fingers, or three in fact, and the Daleks go in for 3-2-1 and win a car and a holiday but, best of all, their very own Dusty Bin which they take back to Skaro and bonk senseless. Jim Bowen tells them "Look at what you could of won" and gets the Clangermen on Bullseye instead.

Archivist: Suthers

The Doctor Who and the End of the Attack of Time of Death and stuff that really doesn't matter a f**k and that

The Barsteward is leaping around about the place acting like an eejit in this scarp yard so The Doctor Who goes there to chase him around the place for a laugh. Wilf is there too with a gang of old mates (but they aren't old in a scary way, more old in a 'young at heart' way and hence less repulsive to the non-pension collecting demographic and therefore telly-friendly). The Doctor Who goes to a cafe with Wilf. They eat buns.

The Barsteward dresses up as Hannibal Lecter for Halloween (it's actually Christmas but, y'know, he's a bit mixed up what with the drums and all) and gets invited to a party by some random fiendish types who seek immortality or some guff (forget it, it's like Lucy suddenly producing a magic anti-Barsteward potion from her pyjamas, it really doesn't matter a f**k). As a party trick, the Barsteward turns everyone into him. "I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together", doesn't say the Barsteward because he isn't the Walrus (he dressed up as the walrus a couple of years ago - see Last of the Timespanks deleted scene - but actually forget it because, like the random immortality seekers or Lucy's pyjama potion, it really doesn't matter a f**k).

Anyhoo, a bunch of Timelads show up led by George Lazenby (of Remington Steele fame) and raise a bit of hell because ...well forget about exactly why because, like the random immortality enthusiasts, Lucy's family making a potion (huh?) or the Barsteward's walrus venture, it doesn't actually matter a f**k. The Doctor Who starts fooling around with a gun and shoots an important furnishing and The Barsteward hands Lazenby his ass on a plate and then goes off some place (not sure where, probably doesn't matter a f**k) and then we reach the really important part. . .

. . .RTD, um, no, I mean, . . .The Doctor Who does an extended curtain call and tweenies all over the UK, and various appendages thereof, weep buckets. Hungover dads belch, mams pretend to be interested, dogs and cats snooze and it goes on a bit. Then the Ood write a song with nice Mr. Gold and Enya and then the TARDIS starts to explode (why? you ask, doesn't matter a f**k says I) and then there's this new The Doctor Who standing there talking about having possible gender reassignment issues and laughing at his dire predicament re: TARDIS exploding around him as if he doesn't give a f**k.
GEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIIMO!
Archivist: Garr