The Doctor Who in Sex and the Settee

The Doctor Who may have changed his persona but his underlying perversity is beginning to rear its ugly head again. In his wickedness, and obsessed with the thought of cracks in the universe, he heads for Earth once more to seek relief.

The Doctor Who lands the Tardis in a park where he fancies there might be some dogging action, sending his time-space machine into a temporal loop to keep Amy Pond from spoiling his fun.

Unfortunately, with the park free of any such frivolity, the Doctor Who is guided by a kindly local to the red light district. Pausing only to steal some cash from a hole in the wall with his sonic screwdriver, he arrives at a house where a red lamp appears to be flickering upstairs.

To his great satisfaction, a voice summons him over the intercom: "Hello love, are you lookin' for some action? why dontcha come on in?"

"Thanks, just call me the Doctor Who," says the Doctor Who. "I've got the, er, rent."

Indoors, and unaware of the debauchery within the house, self-proclaimed funnyman James Corden and his young lady Sarah Jessica Parker Bowles are snuggling up on the sofa and looking forward to some romantic interaction. Suddenly, to their horror, they realise they are not alone. There is a voyeur in their midst - a stranger lurking behind the sofa.

"Ah, er, hello. They call me the Doctor Who," says the Doctor Who as he rises from his hiding place. "I was just, er, testing the walls."

"Don't give me that," says James. "You got that from John Cleese in Fawlty Towers."

But then their attention is distracted by a commotion above them. "Ooooh, what's that banging upstairs?" asks Sarah Jessica Parker Bowles.

"Banging upstairs? I've clearly got the wrong apartment," says the Doctor Who. And he is off at once, looking for a new adventure.

Archivist: Suthers