Doctor Who Behaving Badly (aka Amy's Crack)

The Doctor Who and Rory are slumped on the sofa next to Amy, knocking back lagers, swapping knob gags and watching the telly. Amy, several months pregnant, is getting fed up with their childish banter.

"Cor, look at the hooters on that one," says the Doctor Gary as he stares into the goggle box. "Phwoarrr! I'd give 'er one."

"Right, that's it," says Amy. "It's about time you grew up." The Doctor Who turns to her. "I look young for my age. But I'm really 940 years old." Then he and Rory both dissolve into fits of uncontrollable laughter.

But then the Doctor Who looks back and has spotted something. "You look like you swallowed a planet. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Amy replies: "Yes, I'm pregnant."

"You're bloody huge, you are, ha ha ha ha," chips in Rory.

"Yes," replies Amy. "I'm pregnant."

The Doctor Who is passing out in an alcoholic haze. But something has registered. "Are you pregnant?" he asks before everything goes black.

***

The Doctor Who is in the office trying to sell burglar alarms. He is wary about the old folk, George and Anthea, working with him. Their old-fashioned ways drive him to exasperation. "Are you OK," asks Anthea. "It's all right," says the Doctor Who. "I just had a mare." They get back to work. It is all so tedious that the day becomes a blur.

***

The Doctor Who, Amy and Rory are slumped back on the sofa. Doctor Gary and Tony, sorry, Rory are guzzling lager, giggling and talking about sex. It feels like Groundhog Day all over again.

Then the Doctor Who notices that he has switched from the office to his sofa again. "Rory," he says. "How did we get here?"

"That's a bit philosophical for this time of night," says Rory. "Let's have another lager. And look at the headlights on that!" "Ha ha ha ha ha," says the Doctor Who. Then he notices Amy's bulge again. "Are you all right," he asks. "You look all elephanty."

Amy just sighs. "I wanted to watch Graham Norton," she says. "But I couldn't set the video." "Yes, I'm sorry about that," says the Doctor Who. "I threw the manual into a supernova."

***

The Doctor Who is back in the office trying to sell burglar alarms. He is wary about the old folk, George and Anthea, working with him. They have parked their zimmer frames by the door. Everything becomes a blur.

(This was a recursive story. Please return to paragraph one.)

Archivist: Suthers