MOFFAT'S PEAK

(Pictured - River Song at The Burning Man Festival)

On the astral peninsula that is Moffat's Peak, in the wooded land of Whispering Wonders and Half Hints, The Doctor Who, Amy of the Crack and Rory of the Badly Treated witness the death of one who is destined to live forever... but what does this mean for the Timelad, his nymphomaniacal companion and cuckolded competition and who are the mysterious Emergent and what is the secret of the revolving Meringue Island in the Ocean of Dreams Undreamt? What is that lurking behind our heroes? Where did Rory leave his MP3 player? What is that strange badger doing on the veranda? Where did River Song get that new age hippy name? Will all this even take place and if not why not and why not if not and if not why?

One of the four will die yet all will live but be forever changed whilst remaining very much exactly the same in the Contradictory Cluster in the Realm of WTF that is home to the astral peninsula that is Moffat's Peak ...or something.

Spoilers!

Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and the Curse of Impossible Recycling

Domino's Pizzas, Washington

The White House. A phone is ringing.

Doctor Who the Northern: "It's ringin'. How is it ringin'?"

Nixon: "Hello"

Silence.

Nixon: "This is the President."

Child's voice: "Are you my mummy?"

Nixon: "This is the President of the United States."

Doctor Who: "Hello, is that Domino's? I'd like to order a pizza."

Nixon: "This is the President of the United States. Who is this?"

Child's voice: "Are you my mummy?"

Nixon: "Is it you again?"

Doctor Who: "No, it's me. I'd like to order a pizza."

Nixon: How did you get this number?"

Child's voice: "Look behind you!"

Doctor Who: "Fook off kid, I'm tryin' to order a pizza."

Nixon: "There is nothing behind me."

Child's voice: "They're everywhere. The spaceman told me."

Doctor Who: "I fookin' did not. And I want extra pineapple."

Child's voice: "Please. You've got to look behind you."

Nixon: "There are no pizzas in the Oval Office."

Silence falls.


Archivist: Suthers

The Doctor Who and 'That Kind'

("Das Doctor Who, you give Johnny das kisses now, Ja?")














The Dreamlord traps The Doctor Who in a decadent slash fiction Weimar Republic where The Doctor Who has to get off with Johnny Weissmuller.

Then The Doctor Who meets a new companion and she is seriously bad at singing. REALLY bad. Brutal at it! As if that wasn't bad enough, she's even more self-absorbed than Amy Pond who is busy showing her crack to Rory through a glass floor for Red Nose Day to raise money for acting lessons for Lenny Henry so he can convincingly cry the next time he meets some impoverished Africans. Das Gerooooonimo!
Archivist: Garr

The Doctor Who and the ONE MORE TUNE!

(Pictured, Abigail in full song.)

“Please The Doctor Who, I’m tired and weak and I must return to my chamber,” says Abigail.
“Ah, give us another tune,” insists The Doctor Who (just as he insists every Christmas after opening the ice box and making the timer run down).
“Well, one more but then I really must return to my rest for fear of death,” says a weary Abigail before bursting into song and delighting The Doctor Who and various floating cod and haddock.
Abigail concludes her beautiful performance and quickly makes for her ice box thing but The Doctor Who blocks her way and starts to clap and chant “ONE MORE TUNE! ONE MORE TUNE! ONE MORE TUNE!”
Startled and disturbed by the implicit threat of The Doctor Who’s unnerving enthusiasm, Abigail once again breaks into song.
As Abigail finishes an astonishingly moving performance, she collapses to the ground and loses consciousness. The Doctor Who then bundles her back into the cooler with a few “bruskis” for next year but as he does so he realises that she is no more. Sir Kazran Gambon bursts into angry tears and rages at The Doctor Who’s selfish hubris. “Ah relax,” says The Doctor Who “there’s plenty more fish in the fog” and he points at a brown trout that dangles in the air nearby.

Archivist: Garr

The Doctor Who in the Nip

Tosh becomes The Doctor Who's companion and hangs around the TARDIS being weird. The two start banging on the cloister bell and screaming "Haroon Haroon Haroon Haroon" into the early hours and when Rose comes in to complain they are rude to her and say things like "are you still here?" which causes Rose to go off to that empty swimming pool place alone and cry into her chips.

Then the Daleks start a war but The Doctor Who and Tosh stop it by staying in bed for days on end, going around in the nip, and scrawling strange words like 'wish' on the TARDIS roundels.

Eventually, the Master has had enough of all this nonsense so he disguises himself as a dedicated Whovian and shoots The Doctor Who. Tosh commemorates The Doctor Who by having sweatshop Ood stitch the word 'fantastic' into Nike's latest footwear product.
Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and the Last Great Dime War

Rose wakes to find that the northern Doctor Who is no longer by her side. She runs through the Tardis's labyrinthian corridors to find him seated by the console, his head in his hands, deep in contemplation.

"Hello an'at," she says by way of greeting. "Wassa matter wiv you then? You're not finking abaht bloody planet Ireland again are you?"

The Doctor Who looks up. "I was there Rose. I was there for the last great Dime War. When no one had a dime. I saw it happen. I made it happen. The whole country burned, the people's money all lost."

Rose reached out a hand to touch the shoulder of the man she loved. "But everyfink turned out all right, didn't it?"

"No Rose. I lost everything. We were wiped out by the evil Dail-eks. The Dime Lords from Gallifrey's IMForeman junk bond branch tried to save us with a loan but we had to sell the whole planet to our deadly enemies the Brits as a theme park..." The Doctor Who's voice trailed away.

Rose wonders what she can say to help. But all she can blurt out is: "Can I 'ave some chips?"

Archivist: Suthers

The Drunken Doctor Who Goes Bad

The Doctor Who becomes an alcoholic during a stint when he breaks off from saving the universe to work as a plumber on Metabilis 3 to raise a bit of cash for granddaughter Susan's wedding.

When he discovers that Davros's cheque has bounced, he smashes up the planet and escapes by taxi.

His new evil persona leads the Doctor Who to steal £20,000 that the taxi driver asked him to look after in the back of the cab. It is discovered to have been forged by his deadly enemies the Chumblies and he is sent to jail.

The Doctor Who thinks it is just like that time in Bad Wolf when he was incarcerated aboard Satellite Seven - but this time he deserves it for his evil.



Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Crossover Conference

"..and then the Doctor Who says: 'Get out of my Tardis you baked old bat. Back to the Amazon with you, Jo Grant'. Credits roll. Da-dah!" Wide-eyed, RTD settled his enormous frame back in his chair, looking equally enormously pleased with himself.

Moffat stared disbelievingly for several seconds at the sweaty buffoon sitting across his desk. "I'm sorry Russell, it ain't gonna happen. He's my Doctor Who now and..."

"Sarah Jane is my show," interjected the excited oaf.

"He's my Doctor Who and, well, I can see I'm going to have to vet this script very closely," insisted the curly-haired showrunner. "But let's get back to the plot. Can you run it past me again?"

RTD was quivering with excitement like a giant jelly. Well, it's called Death of the Doctor and everyone thinks that the Doctor Who is dead. And it turns out he isn't!"

The Mighty Moff pondered for a moment. "Remind me of some of your previous storylines. What was that Weakest Link one again?"

"Oh yes," Russell with a proud chortle, "That was Bad Wolf where Rose got zapped and everyone thought she was dead - but she wasn't!"

Moffat sighed. "And what about Doomsday? You know, 'This is the story of how I died?'"

"Ha ha!" came the reply. "Yes, that's the one where everyone thought Rose was going to die. But she didn't. I had them all going with that one."

The Moff rolled his eyes, sensing a theme. "And The Stolen Earth?"

"Oh yes, I was very pleased with that one. The Doctor Who got zapped by a Dalek and everyone thought he was going to die. But - big surprise - he siphoned off the energy from his hand, his handy spare hand. And, er, he didn't."

Steven had had enough. He flicked the switch on his intercom and called one word. "Security!"

Archivist: Suthers

The Mine Drobber

In a bid to 'Turn on, tune in and drop out' Zoe Herriot spikes the Tardis sandwiches with LSD and the whole jolly crew lie on the floor for five weeks having a gestalt hallucination. All their favourite characters from books come to visit them. Doctor Who's favourite books are, of course, the Target novels and so he relives all of his past and future apart from one or two adventures that are annoyingly missed out. He wakes from the bad trip muttering "what exactly was the second segment of the Key to Time?". He flips the fast return switch and they do it all over again. Caught in such a dreadful paradox, the show is almost cancelled after the 12 consecutive repeat of The Mine Drobber.

Archivist: Ogronic

The Invision

Zoe again causes mayhem when she decides to become a fashion model. She insists that she does a series of highly suspect photo-shoots, ending in one where she and Isobel are encouraged to lock lips dressed only in feather boas. Meanwhile, Soho porn baron Tobias Vaughn is creating a race of 'fetish-men' for himself and his slave who goes by the nickname 'Packer'. The Doctor is drawn into the seedy world through chasing Zoe and discovers Vaughn's dastardly plans. He gets a sound spanking from Jamie and they whisk Zoe off onto more adventures.

Archivist: Ogronic