Production Notes by Stefan Moffitt

As an occasional interlude between archived tales, we are delighted that the Doctor Who showrunner Stefan Moffitt has agreed to contribute an occasional column detailing his exciting life producing our Saturday teatime favourite.

I can't tell you how exciting it was to get my hands on my favourite show - spoilers! - but it was like getting all the toys you wanted for Christmas. And best of all, I got to snatch it from the podgy fingers of that fat buffoon Rusty and take it back to the show we all knew and loved as kids.

Stefan Moffitt

It gives me a thrill today to hang around outside schools hearing the youngsters shouting classic Dalek lines like "Would you care for some tea?" just as we did in playgrounds in the sixties and seventies.

And though the duty officer down at the station warned me to stay away from the school gates in future, I felt I was able to persuade him of my true motives thanks to my much admired creative skills.

I knew I wanted to take the show back to its roots which is why I have been busy changing everything. You may think Rusty ruined the Cybermen, but even he was astonished at my success at wrecking the Daleks. 

"Oh Stefan, I'm full of awe," he exclaimed breathlessly on the blower. "I thought your new Tardis interior was taking a few liberties but destroying the fundamental form of the Doctor Who's greatest foes is a masterstroke. I wish I'd done it."

Then he started begging to write more Who. In his dreams!

No, it is my show now and I'll decide what goes in, thank you very much indeedy-doody. I want new monsters rather than tired old fiends which is why the first thing I did was bring all the old favourites back for my first finale. And what a joy to be able to write any story with the most ridiculous cliffhanger and just get out of it with some timey-wimey nonsense.

Enough! 

Stefan Moffitt

The Doctor Who Ruins the Proms

Above: The Doctor Who - just before the savage outburst.

All the monsters and families are having a lovely time listening to Mr. Gold's music at the Proms when The Doctor Who shows up with a bomb type thing he must deactivate.
"You, child, help me defuse this bomb thing," says The Doctor Who as he pulls a little boy from the crowd and places a highly dangerous fuse between the child's teeth.
"Don't open your mouth!" orders The Doctor Who before asking the boy his name. The boy opens his mouth to answer and The Doctor Who freaks out in a Gordon (I have lady hair and am easily defeated in physical combat) Ramsey type of way..
"Don't open your mouth! What the f**k do you think you are doing? Do you want to kill everyone? Are you stupid?" roars the Timelad.
The little boy shakes his head to say 'no' without moving his mouth but The Doctor Who freaks out again.
"Don't move your f***ing head you f***ing idiot!" shouts The Doctor Who, "Christ above, it's like Adric all over again."
The little boy has tears in his eyes and is frozen to the spot, unsure what to do (like Matthew often was whilst on set with the beastly Tom - but that's a different story). The Doctor Who looks like he might kick the child up the arse but then Amy pops up and says, "for God's sake the Doctor Who, he's only eight years old!"
The Doctor Who places a hand over his eyes, breathes deeply and seems to calm down slightly. Then he strides toward the boy, yanks the fuse from his mouth and storms off. "Oh, it's Mr. Grumpy Face today," says Amy, causing The Doctor Who to turn and mutter, "oh what the f**k would you know about it, you probably just want to snog the little s**t."

And THAT is what ACTUALLY happened!

Archivist: Garr

The Doctor Who's fancy dress party

The Doctor Who gets a call on the Space Time Visualiser from River Song inviting him to a mid-summer rave at Stonehenge. "Promise there won't be any Vashta Nerada shadow monsters?" asks the Doctor Who. "What are they," replies his wife, "don't forget I'm not supposed to have met them yet, silly!".

Matt Smith dresses up as Tommy Cooper

Anyway, he gets there and - surprise! - it's a fancy dress party. River's come dressed as Cleopatra and Rory and his mates as Roman Centurian monsters. LOL! It is a slow start like parties often are but then a load of other mates plus a few hangers-on turn up from the pub dressed as Daleks, Cybermen, Chumblies, Rose, Adric and other monsters.

"Hang on, the Doctor Who," says Rory, "where's *your* costume?" "Oh yes," laughs the Doctor Who, "I'll just pop into this Pandorica and get changed - just like that!" The Doctor Who comes back after a brief  interlude dressed as Tommy Cooper which gives Rory a laugh but leaves some of their alien mates a little bemused. "Fez please, geddit?" says Rory. There is silence.

Anyway it's a great party but Amy has too much to drink and passes out, so Rory and the Doctor Who have a laugh and drape her in funny positions and dress her in funny clothes then put her in the Pandorica thingy to lie down for a bit before she throws up over anyone. Then, fearing she will wake up and have a go, cowardly the Doctor Who does a runner.

When Amy comes round she doesn't remember a thing but when she finds that Rory has cleared up her sick she decides to marry him. The wedding goes ahead but then, just as the speeches are beginning at the reception, Amy remembers how Rory and the Doctor Who mistreated her and has a big girlie tantrum. But after a few drinks, she has forgotten again and they all have a good laugh before the Big Bang when the Doctor Who comes back and takes Amy and Rory up the vortex."


Archivist: Suthers

Blame Amy Pond!

Left: Type 40 - Kaput!



















Two Gallifreyan TARDIS designers in overalls hold hot mugs of tea and scratch their noses as they discuss the latest model.

"So, what's the problem then?"

"Well, it's the Type 40."

"Oh, they aren't still moaning about the chameleon circuit are they? I said I'd get around to it."

"No, it's not that, it's the other thing."

"What other thing?"

"Y'know, the kaaaaaaaaboooooooom thing."

"Oh that. That'll never happen"

"But it might and if it does, well then the Universe..."

"Listen here now! You tell them we've got a lot of pre-orders for this model and we stand to make a fortune. If they're going to get all health and safety on this we're looking at a pretty heavy loss of revenue."

"But if it does, y'know, go kaaaaaaaaboooooooom we're looking at a crippling lawsuit."

"Listen, if it does go kaaaaaaaaboooooooom there will be no one around to sue. None of us will have existed so we won't be here to care. And another thing, even if someone does manage to survive being swept out of space/time reality, we can always just transfer liability or whatever they call it."

"Transfer liability?"

"Yeah, blame someone else. The consumer."

"The consumer?"

"Yeah, like that seven year old Scottish urchin you met on the space time visualiser."

"Ahh, no, not the cute wee one that cuts happy faces into apples!"

"Yeah. The one we sold the prototype to and now she uses it as a house."

"But that's mean."

"Ah, don't worry about her. She grows up to be a right loony anyway. Gets her boyfriend killed a few times and all. She's an accident waiting to happen. We'll blame her. We'll say she spilled some fish custard down the Eye of Harmony or something and we'll be off the hook, if indeed there is still a hook in existence which there won't be."

Archivist: Garr

The Doctor Who in Sex and the Settee

The Doctor Who may have changed his persona but his underlying perversity is beginning to rear its ugly head again. In his wickedness, and obsessed with the thought of cracks in the universe, he heads for Earth once more to seek relief.

The Doctor Who lands the Tardis in a park where he fancies there might be some dogging action, sending his time-space machine into a temporal loop to keep Amy Pond from spoiling his fun.

Unfortunately, with the park free of any such frivolity, the Doctor Who is guided by a kindly local to the red light district. Pausing only to steal some cash from a hole in the wall with his sonic screwdriver, he arrives at a house where a red lamp appears to be flickering upstairs.

To his great satisfaction, a voice summons him over the intercom: "Hello love, are you lookin' for some action? why dontcha come on in?"

"Thanks, just call me the Doctor Who," says the Doctor Who. "I've got the, er, rent."

Indoors, and unaware of the debauchery within the house, self-proclaimed funnyman James Corden and his young lady Sarah Jessica Parker Bowles are snuggling up on the sofa and looking forward to some romantic interaction. Suddenly, to their horror, they realise they are not alone. There is a voyeur in their midst - a stranger lurking behind the sofa.

"Ah, er, hello. They call me the Doctor Who," says the Doctor Who as he rises from his hiding place. "I was just, er, testing the walls."

"Don't give me that," says James. "You got that from John Cleese in Fawlty Towers."

But then their attention is distracted by a commotion above them. "Ooooh, what's that banging upstairs?" asks Sarah Jessica Parker Bowles.

"Banging upstairs? I've clearly got the wrong apartment," says the Doctor Who. And he is off at once, looking for a new adventure.

Archivist: Suthers

The Doctor Who and The Issues Helpline

FX: Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Pause. Ring-ring, ring-ring, ring-ring.

Caller: "Hi, is that the helpline. You gotta help me guys. Er, hello?"

FX: Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now muzak by The Matt Smiths plays for an eternity.

Operator: "Right then. What do you want?"

Caller: "Oh thank goodness. Please help me. I've been affected by the issues."

Operator: "Well we gathered that. Otherwise you wouldn't be ringing would you?"

Caller: "Er, no I suppose not..."

Operator: "So you're depressed are you? A little bit under the weather and can't pull yourself together."

Caller: "Well I'm a little bit down but it's not depression. That's not the issue."

Operator: "What is it then?"

Caller: "My boyfriend died like that a couple of weeks back. He got stabbed through the heart by an artist's easel."

Operator: "Well it's easel-y done!"

Caller: "I'm sorry?"

Operator: "I said it's easel-y done. EASEL-Y geddit? OK, please yourself."

Caller: "Oh I see... Well yes, that is rather good. Ha ha! You know I feel better already."

Operator: "That's nice. Hey, did you see that Codwoorth is coming back?"

Archivist: Suthers

The Doctor Who and The Vincent van Gogh

The Vincent van Gogh is hearing things. Awful things that no one else can hear. He hears the evil music of Athlete, Coldplay, Snow Patrol and Keane.

SO! The Vincent van Gogh calls The Doctor Who on his loony phone. "Hello The Doctor Who, I'm hearing things again," he says and The Doctor Who says, "oh Vincent, you old loony with your trendy mental health issues, I think it's time you bucked up and faced life like a man."
"I know I should The Doctor Who," says The Vincent van Gogh, "but it's these dripping sentimental stadium rock power ballads, they are doing my head in. I can't get any painting done. Seriously, it's as evil as T'Pau's China In Your Hands or something by Chris DeBurgh."

The Doctor Who reckons that there is no music and that The Vincent van Gogh is just looking for attention or trying to be trendy or something. However, The Doctor Who changes his mind when The Vincent van Gogh shows up at the TARDIS door with Chris Martin impaled on the end an tripod easel. "Nice one," says The Doctor Who, "so it looks like loonies are cool after all."
"Yes," says The Vincent van Gogh, feeling all validated and with a tear in his eye, "loonies are cool."

The Timelad and the artist hug before setting out to kill more syrupy anthem stadium rockers with an array of artist's materials.
Archivist: Garr

AMY POND IS SPOILT

The above graph has been temporarily placed on the archive as proof that Amy Pond is indeed spoilt and the cause of the crack and poor Rory's death/ceasing to exist amongst other things. CLICK TO ENLARGE!

See discussion:
http://gallifreybase.com/forum/showthread.php?t=54481

Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and the Hole in the Ground

The Doctor Who is called back to Wales. But it's not the rift. It's the Kumars at No. 42, the world's smallest mining company, who are in the process of drilling into the Earth.

"Hi Granny Kumar," says the Doctor Who. "I came as soon as I could. What seems to be the trouble?"

"Oh thank the lord," says Granny Kumar. " We're just trying to drill into the ground to meet your old friends the Silurians."

"Oh, that's nice," says the Doctor Who.

"Yes," says Granny Kumar. "But we are constantly being bothered by that chap over there. Says he's a friend of yours. He keeps telling us not to dig there, but to dig it elsewhere. That we're digging it round and it ought to be square."

The Doctor Who glances over. It's Wilf! The Time Lord is not pleased. "We'll soon see about that," he says.

***

The Doctor Who and Wilf are seated in their favourite cafe again. The Doctor Who is still unhappy. "Look, you motherf***er. You shouldn't be here. You're RTD's monster. You're in the wrong timestream."

Wilf pulls down his woolly hat, then tries to explain his position: "I'm sorry, Doctor. But the shape of it's wrong, it's much much too long, and you can't put a hole where a hole don't belong."

The Doctor Who can take no more. Once again he falls back on his old solution. He rushes out to his van, grabs a gun and blasts Wilf  out of existence - just as his old Silurian friend is popping out of the ground. The Silurian looks at the horrific bloodshed and wails: "There should have been another way!"

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who Behaving Badly (aka Amy's Crack)

The Doctor Who and Rory are slumped on the sofa next to Amy, knocking back lagers, swapping knob gags and watching the telly. Amy, several months pregnant, is getting fed up with their childish banter.

"Cor, look at the hooters on that one," says the Doctor Gary as he stares into the goggle box. "Phwoarrr! I'd give 'er one."

"Right, that's it," says Amy. "It's about time you grew up." The Doctor Who turns to her. "I look young for my age. But I'm really 940 years old." Then he and Rory both dissolve into fits of uncontrollable laughter.

But then the Doctor Who looks back and has spotted something. "You look like you swallowed a planet. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Amy replies: "Yes, I'm pregnant."

"You're bloody huge, you are, ha ha ha ha," chips in Rory.

"Yes," replies Amy. "I'm pregnant."

The Doctor Who is passing out in an alcoholic haze. But something has registered. "Are you pregnant?" he asks before everything goes black.

***

The Doctor Who is in the office trying to sell burglar alarms. He is wary about the old folk, George and Anthea, working with him. Their old-fashioned ways drive him to exasperation. "Are you OK," asks Anthea. "It's all right," says the Doctor Who. "I just had a mare." They get back to work. It is all so tedious that the day becomes a blur.

***

The Doctor Who, Amy and Rory are slumped back on the sofa. Doctor Gary and Tony, sorry, Rory are guzzling lager, giggling and talking about sex. It feels like Groundhog Day all over again.

Then the Doctor Who notices that he has switched from the office to his sofa again. "Rory," he says. "How did we get here?"

"That's a bit philosophical for this time of night," says Rory. "Let's have another lager. And look at the headlights on that!" "Ha ha ha ha ha," says the Doctor Who. Then he notices Amy's bulge again. "Are you all right," he asks. "You look all elephanty."

Amy just sighs. "I wanted to watch Graham Norton," she says. "But I couldn't set the video." "Yes, I'm sorry about that," says the Doctor Who. "I threw the manual into a supernova."

***

The Doctor Who is back in the office trying to sell burglar alarms. He is wary about the old folk, George and Anthea, working with him. They have parked their zimmer frames by the door. Everything becomes a blur.

(This was a recursive story. Please return to paragraph one.)

Archivist: Suthers