The New Dalek Victory

(Why not drop down to our Dalek showroom?)

Banana, strawberry, mango, lemon or orange, no matter what fruity flavour you choose from the new Dalek Victory range you'll be guaranteed a spacious airy cabin with plenty of room not to mention a decent sized boot(y) for jammy dodger storage. There's more than enough space in this cheekily vibrant humpbacked hatchback to satisfy the needs of any struggling actor.

By ingeniously combining traditional Dalek design with the DNA of the Cyber-Controller from Attack of the Cyberlads, the Dalek Victory kick-starts a new paradigm in Dalek operator comfort.

Just listen to these testimonials:

"It's a really comfortable ride. I can't believe they used stuff people into those little postbox Daleks before now, that was a human rights violation surely." Jim (actor - struggling).

"The generous interior of the Dalek Victory means I can comfortably enjoy meals without having to leave its confines. I fancy the new continuity girl but I'm pretty shy. Thanks to the Dalek Victory, I don't have to worry about looking like a stuttering sweaty fool in front of her when I pop my head out for lunch. In short, ideal." Duncan (actor -also struggling).

"At first I thought it was shite but then I adjusted to it, a bit like I did with the new theme music." Gregory (actor - floundering).

"They are totally gay and so am I so everyone's a winner." Reg (actor - struggling).

Why not pop down to your nearest alien menace dealer and try out the new Dalek Victory?

You'll be glad you did.

Archivist: Garr

The Beast Below (or One in the Eye for Thatcher)

Pictured: Amy Pond - Yesterday.

The Doctor Who and Amy (who doesn't even bother to get out of her pyjamas like a working class person) arrive at a thinly veiled analogy for Thatcher's Briton where they discover the bourgeoisie riding around on the back of a star whale (i.e. the proletariat). The bourgeoisie are torturing the whale (i.e. baton charging the striking miners) so The Doctor Who and Amy decide to "bring down the government" (i.e. overthrow Thatcher's Briton, just like Ben Elton and The Style Council did in the eighties).

Needless to say, The Doctor Who and Amy succeed and befriend the Queen in the process but they don't go all sycophantic and cap doffing like Ben Elton did at those Royal Command performances or whatever they are called, which is funny because he used take the p**s out of Jimmy Tarbuck for doing the same thing ...but I digress. The long and short of it is that Thatcher's Briton is left reeling in the wake of this savage indictment just like it was after The Happiness Patrol and The Doctor Who and Amy zoom off to 10 Downing Street to hang around and discuss Feng Shui with Cherie Blair and various Cool Britannia types like Sadie Frost and the bass player from The Wonderstuff probably, ...I'm not sure, all that lot anyway. TAKE THAT THATCHER'S BRITON!

Archivist: Garr

Eleven Hours of Total Carnage

Pictured: New Companion - Amy Pond

Little Amy Pond prays to the Devil (I swear I heard her say 'Satan') so The Doctor Who (who has taken the form of a youthful, ne'er do well, Yob) arrives and encourages her to wreck her bedroom wall, make a mess in the kitchen and invite crazy monsters from a another dimension into our world for the laugh like. CRUMBS READERS, LOOKS LIKE TROUBLE!

The Doctor Who The Yob goes back to the TARDIS to see if he can find some glue for him and Amy to sniff (Amy's Aunt did have some furniture glue but it was incinerated when The Doctor Who The Yob ram-raided the shed where it was kept). Having imbibed Amy's Aunt's entire drinks cabinet, The Doctor Who The Yob forgets why he went into the TARDIS in the first place and just leaves. Then he comes back twelve years later and finds a 'troubled' Amy hanging out with some softy called Rory so The Doctor Who The Yob grabs Rory's lapels (I swear, check it out, he's a yobbo and no mistake), roughs up Rory's hair (this also happens, he's a rough youth this The Doctor Who) and generally gives Rory the Gripper Stebson treatment.

Then The Doctor Who The Yob wrecks a public telephone and nicks stuff off sick people (their clothes etc.). Then the crazy monsters from another dimension show up to hang out and that but The Doctor Who The Yob threatens them and takes their smokes off them before they run away. Then The Doctor Who The Yob and Amy smoke the cigarettes and go joy riding in the TARDIS where the Doctor Who The Yob boasts of his swimming pool that is filled with extra strength cider. They leave a trail of destruction and a heartbroken Rory the softy in their wake ...and all in only eleven hours (Gallifreyan Yob Time that is). GEEEERRRRRRROOOOOOONNNNNNIIIIIIMO READERS!
Archivist: Garr

Inflatable Doctor Who and the Nudist Colony from Space - Part 2

OK, by popular demand, and since a commission of Inflatable Doctor Who by the BBC seems IMMINENT, I'm delivering Episode Two of our exciting new story.

Archivist: Suthers

Inflatable Doctor Who and the Nudist Colony from Space

This is being archived IN ADVANCE to make sure the BBC don't conveniently go and lose it when it is put to the production team. Click to make it bigger and to enjoy the full dramatic effect! It will be continued when commissioned!!

Archivist: Suthers

In a Fix with Sontarans

Left: A Sontaran in a fix.


















Gareth Jenkins, aged 8, gets to be The Doctor Who because frankly he is spoilt. I wrote to Jim'll Fix It several times requesting that I be allowed give Peri a bath but I was ignored. IGNORED! Not only that, but Jenkins demanded that his nan make him a The Doctor Who outfit and he had also a tent that was like a TARDIS. Will this greedy child ever be happy? Find out by watching 'In a Fix with Sontarans' available via Tartan video.


Archivist: Garr

Mission to the Unknownest Planet of the Unknown

(William Hartnell and popular game-show host Bagpuss chatting backstage at Children in Need - 1965)






The Doctor Who doesn't even bother to show up for this one (probably at Children in Need or having another of his little 'lie downs' or something). Anyway, who needs him? This bloke sees a gang of Boobahs drinking cider on the corner of his street. Fearing that this might mean trouble ahead, he attempts to contact the authorities but a Boobah nicks his mobile phone and the rest give him a kicking.

Geordie won't shut up about his precious anomalies either. 'Everything is grand Geordie' roar the viewers.

Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and the Fires of Up Pompeii

The prologue: Oooh no, missus. No, listen. Doctor Who the tenth, well, he brings Donna to Pompeii. To see Francis. I mean Lurcio. Well he doesn't want to mix with riff-raff. No? Oooh, please yourselves. Anyway, titter ye not. He comes to stay with Ludicrus, his wife Ammonia and their daughter Erotica. Anyway, no, listen. Listen to Francis. Doctor Who discovers that Albert Steptoe has fallen through time and is demanding back rent for when crochety Doctor Who did a runner from his time in Totty Lane. But is this the end? Nay, nay and thrice nay! For Doctor Who realises that the only way to defeat the evil Steptoe is to drown him in lava. Poor Steptoe! No, titter ye not. So he uses his sonic screwdriver to make Mount Vesuvius erupt. Oh it erupts for Frankie.
Epilogue: Doctor Who and Donna carry on up the vortex. No, listen... Oh, please yourselves.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Curves of Androzani

Doctor Who the fifth has been acting strangely ever since Peri ran around in that bikini. She catches him several times lurking around the Tardis in a bid to check out her giant bazookas. Finally he plucks up courage to ask her out to a rave on Androlloydwebbery plus they take in a show, Phantom of the Opera. Peri's still not really interested so Doctor Who pretends to get shot. When that does no good, he gets some Es off the barman. Finally, reverting to his deep-seated wickedness, he slips some rohypnol into her Bacardi and Coke and she passes out. Doctor Who can barely believe his luck as he quickly carries Peri's limp, curvaceous form back to the Tardis to have his evil way with her. But no sooner has he thrown her to the floor than the excitement becomes all too much and it is all over for him. Doctor Who feels such shame that his body is forced to degenerate once more. Doctor Who the sixth wakes up to find Peri leaning over him, bazookas bulging, and cruelly deriding his lack of libido.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and The Enemy Without

Moffat settled back in the leather chair of his new office at Upper Boat as he contemplated the future. The Time Lord's future - or should that be his past, he thought with a chuckle. What richness of ideas he might employ weaving strands of time with the mysterious fabric of what scientists were now calling the multiverse!

BEEEEEEEP! An annoying noise of the intercom jolted him from his creative musings. “I'm sorry, sir, but I've got that Russell T Partridge on the line again. Insists he needs to speak to you.”

Moffat picked up the phone with a sigh. “Rusty. Are you still in that Travel Inn? What is it this time?”

“All hail the Mighty Moff! Aha!” came the reply from the panting buffoon. “Listen, I've had another brilliant idea for a story. Epic stuff. The planets are all popping out. Pop, pop, pop. The Doctor Who races off to the Shimmering Falls of Shambolicness via the Wake of Finnegan and Rainbow of Finian, finds the Vest of Verbosity and Pants of Putrefaction just in time. Then pausing only to pop round to Rose's for a nice cup of tea - because everyone stops for a cuppa, very English – he siphons off the energy and diverts it out the back of the Tardis through the Conservatory of Continuity and everything is ticketyboo.”

“Listen Russell. I've told you. It's my show now...”

“Wait! How about this one. Doctor Who idea for the Beeb No 253. Donna's in the launderette, washing her smalls making faces at the Doctor Who through the window. Suddenly all the washing machines start shaking violently, their doors burst open and an army of 50 million Cybermen march through... Think of the ratings!”

“Goodbye Russell!”

“I can add Daleks... Slitheen?”

Moffat slammed down the phone and put his head in his hands. This was supposed to be his dream job. How had it ever come to this?”

Archivist: Suthers