Doctor Who and the Reindeer of Death

Archivist's note: This was the BBC's festive offering for 2009.

The Doctor Who is in Lapland. Alone once more - apart from a film crew. Trampling through the snow. He knows he is near the end. He is the ONLY ONE LEFT. The laws of time will obey him - he's gone bad.

Director: "OK, luvvies. Action!"

The camera shows the Doctor Who momentarily bemused as he spots the Tardis buried in snow, surrounded by inquisitive reindeer. He raises an eyebrow then gives a knowing smirk.

Director: "Cut!"

The Doctor Who is on his mobile. "Listen, Ramsay. I've found the merchandise. Correctamundo. Enough to fill your freezers many times over. But it's gonna cost you. Yeah, I could use the sonic. But nah. You know me. Always happy to use a gun - just not when anyone's watching."

The evil the Doctor Who pauses to think, then continues. "If you think I'm gonna hump those carcasses into the Tardis, you're a bigger mother than I thought, Gordon. But I've had an idea. I think I might be able to get them to come to you - I'll just have a word with the Director. Hah!"

Moments later, filming resumes. The Doctor Who has hitched the reindeer to his mysterious blue box. With a maniacal laugh, he rides Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Donner, Blitzen and Rudolf away into the vortex... and to their certain doom.

Archivist: Suthers

Earthshocky

Adric keeps looking at people doing mad things in the nude on the Space Time Visualiser and standing back and putting his hand to his mouth and giggling and then kind of creeping forward and rewinding and watching again. He's being really weird around the girls too so the Doctor Who decides that he must die. Being a pacifist, the Doctor Who sets it up so that his old friends the Cyberlads can arrange a little accident for Adric. The Cyberlads, who are spending their time checking out old Who vids and hanging around with spandex clad modern dance types in caves, agree to help the Doctor Who as they are a bit bored anyway. Seeing as the Cyberlads have arranged to do in Beryl Reid they decide to throw Adric in on the deal and hit two birds with one stone but it's not a stone it's a giant spaceship and it's not two birds but one Earth!!! Adric finds a computer on the giant spaceship and becomes so preoccupied with trying to download people doing mad things in the nude and standing back and giggling with his hand to his mouth that he completely forgets to get off the massive huge spaceship before ...KABOOM! Poor dinos but mammals happy, ...mmm fur!

Meanwhile, on the TARDIS, the Doctor Who, the two girls, and the Cyberlads are goofing around with Adric's stuff for the laugh and leave it all over the floor and broken and that. Everyone forgets about Adric by Heathrow teatime and Geordie's anomaly is grand and only causes the happy music at the end to vanish.

Archivist: Garr

Midnighty

The Doctor Who is on the last bus home with a bunch of spazez. The biggest spaz is Sky because she keeps repeating everything the Doctor Who says in a whiny voice and making him look a propa biatch. Here is a sample of the script taken from Russell Tea Davis' book 'E-mails I Sent Whilst Drunk or Over-Tired'.

The Doctor Who: Is that you Sky?

Sky: Is that you Sky?

The Doctor Who: Stop copying me!

Sky: Stop copying me!

The Doctor Who: You're being annoying!

Sky: You're being annoying!

The Doctor Who: (thinks, smirks and then says) I'm Sky and I'm a big poo pants.

Sky: I'm the Doctor Who and I'm a big poo pants.

Jethro: (points at the Doctor Who) Owned!

Anyway, The Doctor Who is getting really fed up with Sky making everyone laugh at him and then they all get in a strop with him coz he's like being a proper biatch and that's not cool so they try and get the bus conductor lady to throw him off the bus and there's nothing the Doctor Who can do coz he's like Sky's biaaaaaaatch. EPIC FAIL! OWNED! LOL!

Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and the Worriers of the Deep

The Doctor Who the fifth visits the seaside but discovers that the local fish people are all in a terrible tizz. Icthar has emerged from the ocean with a nagging fear that he might have left the gas on. His Silurian chums are fretting about the weather while Sea Devil colleagues are worried that they won't measure up in the trouser department. The Doctor Who takes them all to a fishing contest to take their minds off their anxieties and they thoroughly enjoy the experience. Unfortunately fighting breaks out at the weigh-in when the winning scores are contested but organiser Commander Vorshak refuse to measure the catches again. The Doctor Who is left complaining "There should have been another weigh."

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Bumfighters

(Featuring the Beast of Steven)

The Doctor Who the first is more crochety than usual thanks to toothache. He can't find an NHS dentist so steers the Tardis to Tombstone (not of the Clangermen) for a cheap offer by the local sawbones. Steven signs up for work at the local ranch in Brokeback Gulch where his eye is caught by handsome cowpoke Larry Grayson. Dodo hears a strange rustling - some cattle are being stolen. And someone keeps singing. She goes to alert Steven and is shocked to find him pursuing a terrible agenda with Grayson. The two men pretend nothing has happened and Steven marries Dodo, his childhood sweetheart, and has several children. However, whenever the Doctor Who or Dodo look round, Steven and Grayson are at it again, making the beast with two backs. And someone keeps singing. The Doctor Who calls in Doc Holliday and Wyatt Earp to sort out the scenes of depravity developing at the so-not-OK Corral. The two men look at each other as if to drawl "Have I the right?" before going in all guns blazing. The Doctor Who breaks the fourth wall by turning to the camera and saying "Let that be a warning to you, children" before heading off into time and space.

Archivist: Suthers

Attack of the Cyberlads or Who Deleted All the Pies.

The TARDIS is working again and turns into some stuff you have in the garage but wish wasn't in the garage but will always leave in the garage. Meanwhile, some stuff happens that really should be happening in The Sweeney and Brian Glover is there and my brother still thinks he was the singer in Bad Manners. Disgusting coated The Doctor Who plays a trick on Peri that isn't really funny and is kind of creepy actually and but she laughs it off in a nervous way and thanks God that shop on Jaconda sold pepper spray. Then these Cyberlads start hanging around underground, lording it up as if they are Yetis or giant rats or something and one of them has a belly on him from too much crisps, pies, and lager and he meets Lytton and crushes his hand and blood comes out and it's only teatime and do you remember that time Peri was in her bikini in the one from last year?

Elsewhere, Geordie gives Data some advice on social small talk before seeing to the trifling matter of a little anomaly that turns out to be perfectly grand.

Archivist: Garr

Tribulations of a Timelad - One to Four

His menopausal symptoms abating more so, The Doctor Who is put on trial by Mrs. Bisto Sagacity for crimes against fashion. The Doctor Who is offered Rupert the Bear as defence counsel but declines and instead opts to defend himself by shrieking indignantly and puffing out his chest. The Doctor Who starts boasting about the time he and Peri met your one off the Carry On films, not Windsor, the other one, y'know, what's her face, no not Hatti Jacques either, the other one that was kind of a mixture between those two, y'know, Carry on Screaming and all that. Anyway, the Doctor says that there was this huge toy robot and lots of good humoured light banter and such and everyone finds the story OK, if a bit flat, except this knob in a black hat who keeps interrupting the story and throwing in his own bits and muddling stuff up. I think it might've been Michael Grade.

Meanwhile, Geordie discovers an anomaly that causes a pretty good effect to be seen briefly but it's just an exception that proves a rule and everything is grand.

To be continued! Next Time: Peri takes a leave out of Britney's book and goes skinhead.

Archivist: Garr

Planet of Firey Fire Planets

Peri is in a bikini and Kamelion starts acting like a knob and pretending to be her dad and freaking her out and she's in her bikini. As Peri is in her bikini the Bar Steward shows up but he's only a tiny little bollix and Peri, who was in her bikini, goes to kill him with her shoe. Proper order Peri, now quick, change back into the bikini! Peri's bikini bit is good and she's kind of wantonly unconscious for a bit in her bikini and Turlough discovers that he is from a planet that is ruled by Department S and has people around Turlough's age on it so he opts to leave the TARDIS (just as Peri bikini is coming aboard which is a bit of a dumb thing to do) and Peri is in her bikini and The Doctor Who fires Kamelion (hence the 'fire' in the title) because he keeps breaking down and anyway now The Doctor who has got Peri and her bikini so who needs a broke robot that helps the Bar Steward? Peri is in her bikini as Geordie Peri anomaly bikini grand.

Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and the Caber Tosser

The Doctor Who number two was alone and stretched out in the Tardis sauna, a towel lightly draped around his waist and delicately running his fingers up and down his recorder. At that moment the door opened and in strode the proud, handsome form of Jamie, the young Highlander that the Time Lord had picked up in that Inverness nightclub all those weeks ago. But this was the first time that the Doctor Who had set eyes on the Culloden cross-dresser without his skirt. A frisson ran through his body as he watched the Scot slowly disrobe, his muscles rippling and the skin taut around his firm youthful limbs. "Er Jamie, why don't you come and sit over here," said the Doctor Who in his low but gentle growl, patting the slats of the wooden bench. "Och, helloo thair, thu noo, oor Ductorr Whoo" replied the young companion. "Ah didnae see ye throo thu steam, thu noo." Jamie lowered his firm buttocks onto the bench beside the Doctor Who. The Time Lord's two hearts were beating so fast he could hardly breathe. Dare he risk it? Jamie's eyes were closed and he was enjoying the heat of the steam when suddenly he felt a hand descend on his sporran. The Scot was up in a moment. Up on his feet. He pushed his face into that of the Doctor Who. "If ye evair try that agin, ye'll be askin fur a Glasgee handshake," he warned before grabbing his kilt and swiftly striding naked out of the sauna.

Archivist: Suthers

Death To Them Daleks

These must be the crappiest Daleks ever. They make their entrance to the music from Andy Pandy but without the lyrics (LOL) and then their guns don't even work (FAIL) and then get beaten up by a bunch of lads with sticks!!! (OWNED). The Daleks are so scared of the lads with the sticks that they team up with The Doctor Who and The George Galloway. The George Galloway tells the Daleks that he salutes their courage, their strength, their indefatigability, and conveys his heartfelt eternal greetings and fraternal support. However, he then goes on to say that they are as immoral as a neo-con cabal, as plutocratic as the 20 year olds who were more popular than him in Big Brother, and as crap as Hitchens (which is true, although at least they are sober). The George Galloway then gets on all fours and pretends to be a cat which totally confuses the Daleks so they are now confused as well as frightened which makes them the super crappiest Daleks ever! (FAIL + OWNED = FAWNED!) These Daleks are so crap that they even play with toy TARDISes! (EPIC FAIL + LOL = EPFALOL!) and they have even taken the toy TARDISes out of their packaging which decreases their value somewhat (EPIC FAIL + OWNED + LOL + OMFG = EPFAWNOLFG).

Anyhoo, an ugly little bollix that sounds like that bear from Avid Merrion's show turns up for a game The Crystal Maze and everyone hides in these lazily dug square holes in the sand that are probably meant to be naturally formed or something and the whole thing is like a rainy seaside holiday with the cousins you hate and everyone keeps rowing and Geordie finds an anomaly in his sand castle but it just turns out to be a ciggie butt that was discarded by a BBC electrician and everything is grand. LOLS!

Archivist: Garr