AMY POND IS SPOILT

The above graph has been temporarily placed on the archive as proof that Amy Pond is indeed spoilt and the cause of the crack and poor Rory's death/ceasing to exist amongst other things. CLICK TO ENLARGE!

See discussion:
http://gallifreybase.com/forum/showthread.php?t=54481

Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and the Hole in the Ground

The Doctor Who is called back to Wales. But it's not the rift. It's the Kumars at No. 42, the world's smallest mining company, who are in the process of drilling into the Earth.

"Hi Granny Kumar," says the Doctor Who. "I came as soon as I could. What seems to be the trouble?"

"Oh thank the lord," says Granny Kumar. " We're just trying to drill into the ground to meet your old friends the Silurians."

"Oh, that's nice," says the Doctor Who.

"Yes," says Granny Kumar. "But we are constantly being bothered by that chap over there. Says he's a friend of yours. He keeps telling us not to dig there, but to dig it elsewhere. That we're digging it round and it ought to be square."

The Doctor Who glances over. It's Wilf! The Time Lord is not pleased. "We'll soon see about that," he says.

***

The Doctor Who and Wilf are seated in their favourite cafe again. The Doctor Who is still unhappy. "Look, you motherf***er. You shouldn't be here. You're RTD's monster. You're in the wrong timestream."

Wilf pulls down his woolly hat, then tries to explain his position: "I'm sorry, Doctor. But the shape of it's wrong, it's much much too long, and you can't put a hole where a hole don't belong."

The Doctor Who can take no more. Once again he falls back on his old solution. He rushes out to his van, grabs a gun and blasts Wilf  out of existence - just as his old Silurian friend is popping out of the ground. The Silurian looks at the horrific bloodshed and wails: "There should have been another way!"

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who Behaving Badly (aka Amy's Crack)

The Doctor Who and Rory are slumped on the sofa next to Amy, knocking back lagers, swapping knob gags and watching the telly. Amy, several months pregnant, is getting fed up with their childish banter.

"Cor, look at the hooters on that one," says the Doctor Gary as he stares into the goggle box. "Phwoarrr! I'd give 'er one."

"Right, that's it," says Amy. "It's about time you grew up." The Doctor Who turns to her. "I look young for my age. But I'm really 940 years old." Then he and Rory both dissolve into fits of uncontrollable laughter.

But then the Doctor Who looks back and has spotted something. "You look like you swallowed a planet. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Amy replies: "Yes, I'm pregnant."

"You're bloody huge, you are, ha ha ha ha," chips in Rory.

"Yes," replies Amy. "I'm pregnant."

The Doctor Who is passing out in an alcoholic haze. But something has registered. "Are you pregnant?" he asks before everything goes black.

***

The Doctor Who is in the office trying to sell burglar alarms. He is wary about the old folk, George and Anthea, working with him. Their old-fashioned ways drive him to exasperation. "Are you OK," asks Anthea. "It's all right," says the Doctor Who. "I just had a mare." They get back to work. It is all so tedious that the day becomes a blur.

***

The Doctor Who, Amy and Rory are slumped back on the sofa. Doctor Gary and Tony, sorry, Rory are guzzling lager, giggling and talking about sex. It feels like Groundhog Day all over again.

Then the Doctor Who notices that he has switched from the office to his sofa again. "Rory," he says. "How did we get here?"

"That's a bit philosophical for this time of night," says Rory. "Let's have another lager. And look at the headlights on that!" "Ha ha ha ha ha," says the Doctor Who. Then he notices Amy's bulge again. "Are you all right," he asks. "You look all elephanty."

Amy just sighs. "I wanted to watch Graham Norton," she says. "But I couldn't set the video." "Yes, I'm sorry about that," says the Doctor Who. "I threw the manual into a supernova."

***

The Doctor Who is back in the office trying to sell burglar alarms. He is wary about the old folk, George and Anthea, working with him. They have parked their zimmer frames by the door. Everything becomes a blur.

(This was a recursive story. Please return to paragraph one.)

Archivist: Suthers

Bog Standard in Venice

Look out Amy, it's the Bog Standard!



The Doctor Who meets some bog standard monsters with a fairly bog standard plan and it's all quite bog standard. The Bog Standards (from the planet Bog Standard) feel they are season finale material as they have a device that can flood cities and are kind of like vampires and have a family dynamic thing going which they consider quite novel but The Doctor Who tells them that he's done vampires, that the Slitheen and the Family of Blood beat them to the family thing and, despite the wonderful location, it's all just really "bog standard". "You may as well just go and call me DoKtooorrrr while you're at it" says the Time Lad as he climbs onto their roof and switches off their machine with considerably less bother than the late Rod Hull had fixing his telly reception.

Meanwhile, Amy gets bored so she makes simple minded dog's body Rory fight one of the Bog Standard for her amusement, a bit like Estella does to Pip in Great Expectations except Rory is quite a bit older than Pip and should have a bit of self-respect but oh no, off he goes. Eejit.

Archivist: Garr

Angels Having the Crack!

Pictured above: "Oh, for f**k's sake"


Three weeping angels have a head to head about what to do next...

AGNES: Right girls, they are on to the whole blinking gimmick and closing one eye at a time. We'll have to come up with some new tricks.

BERNADETTE: We could pounce out of CCTV footage.

AGNES: Yeah, that's not bad.

PHILOMENA: We could get inside their eyeballs and freak them out.

BERNADETTE (ignoring Philomena): I can do quite a good imitation of that bloke we just killed, what's his name, Bob. I could do his voice on the walkie talkie.

AGNES: Oooh, creepy, but can you work the walkie talkie?

BERNADETTE: As long as no one's watching.

PHILOMENA: We could nick the Doctor's coat.

BERNADETTE (incredulously): Pardon?

PHILOMENA: We could nick the Doctor's coat and give him a wedgie.

BERNADETTE: A wedgie??? Wedgie's aren't scary.

PHILOMENA: They are.

BERNADETTE: No they aren't, they're stupid.

PHILOMENA: You're stupid.

BERNADETTE: Oh come on! You want to nick his coat and give him a wedgie? We'll be the laughing stock.

PHILOMENA: You'll be the laughing stock.

BERNADETTE: What does that even mean?

PHILOMENA: What do you even mean?

BERNADETTE (to Agnes about Philomena): She's a fruitcake. I can't work with her.

PHILOMENA: You're the fruitcake you can't work with her.

BERNADETTE: OK, that definitely made no sense.

PHILOMENA: You definitely made no sense.

AGNES: OK you two. Knock it off. Now, does anyone feel that draft?

BERNADETTE: It seems to be coming from that crack.

PHILOMENA: More like, it seems to be coming from your crack.

BERNADETTE: Oh, for f**k's sake.

PHILOMENA: You're for f**k's sake.

BERNADETTE: What is your problem?

PHILOMENA: You're my problem, Drafty Crack!

AGNES: Ah now girls, come on.

BERNADETTE: Look, I'm going to do the walkie talkie thing. You two can nick coats and give wedgies or whatever you like.

Bernadette exits the scene.

PHILOMENA (shouting): Fine, we will (mutters) ...drafty cracked queef merchant.

Archivist: Garr

The New Dalek Victory

(Why not drop down to our Dalek showroom?)

Banana, strawberry, mango, lemon or orange, no matter what fruity flavour you choose from the new Dalek Victory range you'll be guaranteed a spacious airy cabin with plenty of room not to mention a decent sized boot(y) for jammy dodger storage. There's more than enough space in this cheekily vibrant humpbacked hatchback to satisfy the needs of any struggling actor.

By ingeniously combining traditional Dalek design with the DNA of the Cyber-Controller from Attack of the Cyberlads, the Dalek Victory kick-starts a new paradigm in Dalek operator comfort.

Just listen to these testimonials:

"It's a really comfortable ride. I can't believe they used stuff people into those little postbox Daleks before now, that was a human rights violation surely." Jim (actor - struggling).

"The generous interior of the Dalek Victory means I can comfortably enjoy meals without having to leave its confines. I fancy the new continuity girl but I'm pretty shy. Thanks to the Dalek Victory, I don't have to worry about looking like a stuttering sweaty fool in front of her when I pop my head out for lunch. In short, ideal." Duncan (actor -also struggling).

"At first I thought it was shite but then I adjusted to it, a bit like I did with the new theme music." Gregory (actor - floundering).

"They are totally gay and so am I so everyone's a winner." Reg (actor - struggling).

Why not pop down to your nearest alien menace dealer and try out the new Dalek Victory?

You'll be glad you did.

Archivist: Garr

The Beast Below (or One in the Eye for Thatcher)

Pictured: Amy Pond - Yesterday.

The Doctor Who and Amy (who doesn't even bother to get out of her pyjamas like a working class person) arrive at a thinly veiled analogy for Thatcher's Briton where they discover the bourgeoisie riding around on the back of a star whale (i.e. the proletariat). The bourgeoisie are torturing the whale (i.e. baton charging the striking miners) so The Doctor Who and Amy decide to "bring down the government" (i.e. overthrow Thatcher's Briton, just like Ben Elton and The Style Council did in the eighties).

Needless to say, The Doctor Who and Amy succeed and befriend the Queen in the process but they don't go all sycophantic and cap doffing like Ben Elton did at those Royal Command performances or whatever they are called, which is funny because he used take the p**s out of Jimmy Tarbuck for doing the same thing ...but I digress. The long and short of it is that Thatcher's Briton is left reeling in the wake of this savage indictment just like it was after The Happiness Patrol and The Doctor Who and Amy zoom off to 10 Downing Street to hang around and discuss Feng Shui with Cherie Blair and various Cool Britannia types like Sadie Frost and the bass player from The Wonderstuff probably, ...I'm not sure, all that lot anyway. TAKE THAT THATCHER'S BRITON!

Archivist: Garr

Eleven Hours of Total Carnage

Pictured: New Companion - Amy Pond

Little Amy Pond prays to the Devil (I swear I heard her say 'Satan') so The Doctor Who (who has taken the form of a youthful, ne'er do well, Yob) arrives and encourages her to wreck her bedroom wall, make a mess in the kitchen and invite crazy monsters from a another dimension into our world for the laugh like. CRUMBS READERS, LOOKS LIKE TROUBLE!

The Doctor Who The Yob goes back to the TARDIS to see if he can find some glue for him and Amy to sniff (Amy's Aunt did have some furniture glue but it was incinerated when The Doctor Who The Yob ram-raided the shed where it was kept). Having imbibed Amy's Aunt's entire drinks cabinet, The Doctor Who The Yob forgets why he went into the TARDIS in the first place and just leaves. Then he comes back twelve years later and finds a 'troubled' Amy hanging out with some softy called Rory so The Doctor Who The Yob grabs Rory's lapels (I swear, check it out, he's a yobbo and no mistake), roughs up Rory's hair (this also happens, he's a rough youth this The Doctor Who) and generally gives Rory the Gripper Stebson treatment.

Then The Doctor Who The Yob wrecks a public telephone and nicks stuff off sick people (their clothes etc.). Then the crazy monsters from another dimension show up to hang out and that but The Doctor Who The Yob threatens them and takes their smokes off them before they run away. Then The Doctor Who The Yob and Amy smoke the cigarettes and go joy riding in the TARDIS where the Doctor Who The Yob boasts of his swimming pool that is filled with extra strength cider. They leave a trail of destruction and a heartbroken Rory the softy in their wake ...and all in only eleven hours (Gallifreyan Yob Time that is). GEEEERRRRRRROOOOOOONNNNNNIIIIIIMO READERS!
Archivist: Garr

Inflatable Doctor Who and the Nudist Colony from Space - Part 2

OK, by popular demand, and since a commission of Inflatable Doctor Who by the BBC seems IMMINENT, I'm delivering Episode Two of our exciting new story.

Archivist: Suthers

Inflatable Doctor Who and the Nudist Colony from Space

This is being archived IN ADVANCE to make sure the BBC don't conveniently go and lose it when it is put to the production team. Click to make it bigger and to enjoy the full dramatic effect! It will be continued when commissioned!!

Archivist: Suthers