Doctor Who and the Incredibly Stupid Idea

Steven Moffat bolted down his Cheerios and rushed from the breakfast table. He couldn't wait to get to Upper Boat to jot down his exciting new plans for the Doctor Who.

The horror of Moffat's plans begin to sink in.

As he entered his office, Mark Gatiss was already sitting across the desk. He looked up warily at the grinning, curly-haired showrunner with a terrible sense of foreboding.

Moffat burst into an excited babble. "Oh Mark, I've come up with the biggest wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey idea ever. This one's really going to boost the ratings!"

"Go on," said the slender writing rival, with an increasing feeling of unease.

"You'll love this one," blurted Moffat. "The Doctor Who will regenerate as a woman. No surprise there. Everyone's guessed. But then I'll send her back in her own timestream to meet an earlier Doctor - or maybe more - and they'll fall in love and get it together and in a paradoxy-woxy result, she gives birth to a baby who turns out to be the first Doctor Who!"

Gatiss sat frozen, the blood drained from his face.

"Oh, not for nothing do they call me the Mighty Moff," gabbled Moffat. "Never mind the impossible girl, this is going to be the impossible Doctor. And I reckon I can stretch it out over 13 episodes. Let me think now . . ."

Gatiss stared at his boss with a mixture of loathing and contempt. This overconfident clown was undoing 50 years of TV history. He was destroying the show he loved. Would there still be a Doctor Who when it came to be his turn to take the reins?

Archivist: Suthers