Spoilers and Speculation

This is the first of an occasional discussion of things that may or may not have been in the Doctor Who.

Madame Kovarian - Is she the bastard lovechild of Davros and Ian Chesterton?

Madman Davros-ian!!!

It may sound far-fetched, but just think about the evidence for a minute. The first five letters of Kovarian, K,O,V,A,R are an amazing anagram of Davros, except for the spare K, plus the D and S being missing. And what are we left with? I,A,N, which is an anagram of Ian (Chesterton). Intriguingly, Madame sounds very much like Madman (in a box).

Anyone else notice this series of remarkable coincidences that are too remarkable to have been coincidences?

Archivist: Suthers

The Doctor Who and the Rise of the Digits

The fickle fingers of fate FFS

The Doctor Who finds himself reduced to being a mere companion in the midst of a crisis when every right index finger in the universe gains sentience. Nose-pickers are slaughtered in their billions. The Doctor Who's finger takes charge of his life, despite speaking in a high-pitched voice and with all the speech impediments and grammar mistakes associated with extreme adorability. Rose's finger won't stop trying to seduce her. Alas, such a relationship would never work out, as it cannot abide chips.
Archivist: Brainiac Nutjob

The Doctor Who and the Planet of the Twists

The Doctor Who arrives on a planet where, as he puts it, "The probability matrix is broken; you need to get a man in." The seemingly human inhabitants turn out to be vehicles for sentient hamsters. Their mysterious 'miracle substance' that runs everything turns out to be curried eggs. It is revealed that every sentence they say that starts with the word 'and' is a lie, resulting in numerous simultaneous revelations that are very hard to keep track of. The Doctor Who leaves before he gets bitten in the arse by a twist that's relevant to his ongoing storyline. After he does, lightning strikes a nearby rock, splitting it open and revealing that it has two hearts.
Archivist: Brainiac Nutjob

The Doctor Who and Russell T. Davies is a Big Fat Idiot

This already-classic Steven Moffat episode consists of The Doctor Who determining that numerous events from the Davies seasons never occurred and can never ever ever happen again, interspersed with shots of several Davies characters exploding for no apparent reason. One of the greatest episodes of Series Two, Not Series Six, Why The Hell Would You Consider This To Be The Same Bloody Series.
Archivist: Brainiac Nutjob

The Doctor Who and the Umpteenth Bloody Retcon

The Doctor Who (1) and Susan are talking to irritatingly nosey schoolteachers Ian and Barbara in a junkyard when The Doctor Who (8), sporting a new haircut, a new outfit and several fresh wounds, walks into frame and punches The Doctor One in the face. After he storms off, everyone collects themselves and continues talking as normal. While this happens, several the Doctor Whos walk by in the background, trying very hard not to be noticed. The name of the junkyard periodically changes from Foreman's Yard to Totter's Yard, Forman's Yard and Bad Wolf Yard.

Archivist: Brainiac Nutjob

MOFFAT'S PEAK

(Pictured - River Song at The Burning Man Festival)

On the astral peninsula that is Moffat's Peak, in the wooded land of Whispering Wonders and Half Hints, The Doctor Who, Amy of the Crack and Rory of the Badly Treated witness the death of one who is destined to live forever... but what does this mean for the Timelad, his nymphomaniacal companion and cuckolded competition and who are the mysterious Emergent and what is the secret of the revolving Meringue Island in the Ocean of Dreams Undreamt? What is that lurking behind our heroes? Where did Rory leave his MP3 player? What is that strange badger doing on the veranda? Where did River Song get that new age hippy name? Will all this even take place and if not why not and why not if not and if not why?

One of the four will die yet all will live but be forever changed whilst remaining very much exactly the same in the Contradictory Cluster in the Realm of WTF that is home to the astral peninsula that is Moffat's Peak ...or something.

Spoilers!

Archivist: Garr

Doctor Who and the Curse of Impossible Recycling

Domino's Pizzas, Washington

The White House. A phone is ringing.

Doctor Who the Northern: "It's ringin'. How is it ringin'?"

Nixon: "Hello"

Silence.

Nixon: "This is the President."

Child's voice: "Are you my mummy?"

Nixon: "This is the President of the United States."

Doctor Who: "Hello, is that Domino's? I'd like to order a pizza."

Nixon: "This is the President of the United States. Who is this?"

Child's voice: "Are you my mummy?"

Nixon: "Is it you again?"

Doctor Who: "No, it's me. I'd like to order a pizza."

Nixon: How did you get this number?"

Child's voice: "Look behind you!"

Doctor Who: "Fook off kid, I'm tryin' to order a pizza."

Nixon: "There is nothing behind me."

Child's voice: "They're everywhere. The spaceman told me."

Doctor Who: "I fookin' did not. And I want extra pineapple."

Child's voice: "Please. You've got to look behind you."

Nixon: "There are no pizzas in the Oval Office."

Silence falls.


Archivist: Suthers

The Doctor Who and 'That Kind'

("Das Doctor Who, you give Johnny das kisses now, Ja?")














The Dreamlord traps The Doctor Who in a decadent slash fiction Weimar Republic where The Doctor Who has to get off with Johnny Weissmuller.

Then The Doctor Who meets a new companion and she is seriously bad at singing. REALLY bad. Brutal at it! As if that wasn't bad enough, she's even more self-absorbed than Amy Pond who is busy showing her crack to Rory through a glass floor for Red Nose Day to raise money for acting lessons for Lenny Henry so he can convincingly cry the next time he meets some impoverished Africans. Das Gerooooonimo!
Archivist: Garr

The Doctor Who and the ONE MORE TUNE!

(Pictured, Abigail in full song.)

“Please The Doctor Who, I’m tired and weak and I must return to my chamber,” says Abigail.
“Ah, give us another tune,” insists The Doctor Who (just as he insists every Christmas after opening the ice box and making the timer run down).
“Well, one more but then I really must return to my rest for fear of death,” says a weary Abigail before bursting into song and delighting The Doctor Who and various floating cod and haddock.
Abigail concludes her beautiful performance and quickly makes for her ice box thing but The Doctor Who blocks her way and starts to clap and chant “ONE MORE TUNE! ONE MORE TUNE! ONE MORE TUNE!”
Startled and disturbed by the implicit threat of The Doctor Who’s unnerving enthusiasm, Abigail once again breaks into song.
As Abigail finishes an astonishingly moving performance, she collapses to the ground and loses consciousness. The Doctor Who then bundles her back into the cooler with a few “bruskis” for next year but as he does so he realises that she is no more. Sir Kazran Gambon bursts into angry tears and rages at The Doctor Who’s selfish hubris. “Ah relax,” says The Doctor Who “there’s plenty more fish in the fog” and he points at a brown trout that dangles in the air nearby.

Archivist: Garr

The Doctor Who in the Nip

Tosh becomes The Doctor Who's companion and hangs around the TARDIS being weird. The two start banging on the cloister bell and screaming "Haroon Haroon Haroon Haroon" into the early hours and when Rose comes in to complain they are rude to her and say things like "are you still here?" which causes Rose to go off to that empty swimming pool place alone and cry into her chips.

Then the Daleks start a war but The Doctor Who and Tosh stop it by staying in bed for days on end, going around in the nip, and scrawling strange words like 'wish' on the TARDIS roundels.

Eventually, the Master has had enough of all this nonsense so he disguises himself as a dedicated Whovian and shoots The Doctor Who. Tosh commemorates The Doctor Who by having sweatshop Ood stitch the word 'fantastic' into Nike's latest footwear product.
Archivist: Garr