RIVER JACK – SPIN OFF

(Pictured above: ooh, she’s got a big one)

Named after a Caribbean river so as to make the title a play on words, which is popular with the young people who make telly these days, this spin-off show saw Captain Jack and River Song meet and team-up for a series of adventures involving guns, high-fives, cheeky innuendos, and kind of plot type things. A general public (that was more than happy to improvise its own sense onto the random events taking place on screen) embraced the show. As long as the two main characters kept winking and joshing and generally being fabulous, the public stayed tuned. That is until Chibnall wrote a two-parter and the whole thing got cancelled.

Not to worry though, the two characters returned in every single episode of The Doctor Who television programme for the rest of its existence.

Every.

Single.

Episode.

That is until Chibnall wrote a two-parter and The Doctor Who television programme got cancelled too.  

Archivist: Garr

Spoilers and Speculation

This is the first of an occasional discussion of things that may or may not have been in the Doctor Who.

Madame Kovarian - Is she the bastard lovechild of Davros and Ian Chesterton?

Madman Davros-ian!!!

It may sound far-fetched, but just think about the evidence for a minute. The first five letters of Kovarian, K,O,V,A,R are an amazing anagram of Davros, except for the spare K, plus the D and S being missing. And what are we left with? I,A,N, which is an anagram of Ian (Chesterton). Intriguingly, Madame sounds very much like Madman (in a box).

Anyone else notice this series of remarkable coincidences that are too remarkable to have been coincidences?

Archivist: Suthers

The Doctor Who and the Rise of the Digits

The fickle fingers of fate FFS

The Doctor Who finds himself reduced to being a mere companion in the midst of a crisis when every right index finger in the universe gains sentience. Nose-pickers are slaughtered in their billions. The Doctor Who's finger takes charge of his life, despite speaking in a high-pitched voice and with all the speech impediments and grammar mistakes associated with extreme adorability. Rose's finger won't stop trying to seduce her. Alas, such a relationship would never work out, as it cannot abide chips.
Archivist: Brainiac Nutjob

The Doctor Who and the Planet of the Twists

The Doctor Who arrives on a planet where, as he puts it, "The probability matrix is broken; you need to get a man in." The seemingly human inhabitants turn out to be vehicles for sentient hamsters. Their mysterious 'miracle substance' that runs everything turns out to be curried eggs. It is revealed that every sentence they say that starts with the word 'and' is a lie, resulting in numerous simultaneous revelations that are very hard to keep track of. The Doctor Who leaves before he gets bitten in the arse by a twist that's relevant to his ongoing storyline. After he does, lightning strikes a nearby rock, splitting it open and revealing that it has two hearts.
Archivist: Brainiac Nutjob

The Doctor Who and Russell T. Davies is a Big Fat Idiot

This already-classic Steven Moffat episode consists of The Doctor Who determining that numerous events from the Davies seasons never occurred and can never ever ever happen again, interspersed with shots of several Davies characters exploding for no apparent reason. One of the greatest episodes of Series Two, Not Series Six, Why The Hell Would You Consider This To Be The Same Bloody Series.
Archivist: Brainiac Nutjob

The Doctor Who and the Umpteenth Bloody Retcon

The Doctor Who (1) and Susan are talking to irritatingly nosey schoolteachers Ian and Barbara in a junkyard when The Doctor Who (8), sporting a new haircut, a new outfit and several fresh wounds, walks into frame and punches The Doctor One in the face. After he storms off, everyone collects themselves and continues talking as normal. While this happens, several the Doctor Whos walk by in the background, trying very hard not to be noticed. The name of the junkyard periodically changes from Foreman's Yard to Totter's Yard, Forman's Yard and Bad Wolf Yard.

Archivist: Brainiac Nutjob