The Least of Steven (we see the better)

It is that time of year again where even we dusty old archivists get all sentimental as we remember the birth of Baby Father Christmas.

And in a tradition that harks back to Uncle Willy's incarnation of the Doctor Who, when he turned to stare out at the viewers and tell them "I know where you live, children, and I'm coming to get you", we break down the fourth wall of the Internet by turning to you, the great unwashed, and wishing you very much would go away.

To help accomplish this, we present this Christmas anthem which some see as Murray Gold's finest work, about the loveable Daleks and their desire for cake and cuddles. His name does not appear in the credits in another timey-wimey tradition begun by Bill Nighy in the Doctor Who and the White Van Gogh Man.

Scholars of Whovianity note that the "Who is Dr Who" title on the graphic accompanying this recording, was later ripped off by latter-day show-runner Stefan Moffit to create mysterious, riddle-type nonsense about the Doctor Who.



Archivist: Suthers

The Doctor Who lands in a spot of bother

"Oh no, John! He's coming back for more. He's the biggest monster of all."

The Jimmy Savile scandal engulfing the BBC spilled over into the world of Doctor Who strips last night after the Time Lord's two youngest companions went to the police.

John and Gillian, who appeared in the long-running drama's BBCTV Comic spin-off, told how they were quite literally drawn into the sordid activities of their temporal tormentor. They complained of inappropriate behaviour by the nine hundred-year-old nonce portrayed in strips when he had them trapped within the crayon-crafted walls of the Tardis.

Gillian told our reporter: "The Doctor Who was relatively well behaved at the beginning when he was properly drawn to resemble the character played by Billy Hartnell on the television. "We would generally then get away with nothing more than a jolly good smack bottom before being sent to bed without any space food, if we had upset the crotchety old fool.

"But the artists couldn't resist turning him into a silver-haired fiend when they began drawing him more to resemble the shell-suited monster from Top of the Pops. Sometimes his appearance became a wildly scribbled confusion of Pertwee, Baker and Glitter and his behaviour became equally bizarre."

John added: "The gruesome Gallifreyan was always careful to hide his vile perversions from the eyes of viewers. He never made any inappropriate advances towards us within the frames of the strip.

"But between those sketched images, out of sight of the comic buyers . . . I'm sorry, but it was just terrible what he did to us."

John's voice faltered as he struggled to regain his composure. He hugged Gillian and they both sobbed as the pain of the memories mixed with relief that their stories of suffering were finally being believed."

A BBCTV Comic insider admitted to us that he had always had his suspicions about the Slime Lord's choice of youngsters to accompany him in his Tardis. He said: "I wish to heaven I'd spoken up earlier. But the Doctor Who was like a god and no one would have believed me.

"John and Gillian seemed especially young and vulnerable to be companions, but I was told he liked them like that. Yes, they were total shite but they didn't deserve this. Adric maybe, but not John and Gillian."

One of the artists who drew the Doctor Who for comics, and who asked to stay anonymous, told us: "These allegations have come as a terrible shock to us. We always drew him as a buffoonish but ultimately respectable adventurer. It is horrific to learn what was going on once we were away from the drawing board and our thoughts must be with poor John and Gillian."

Police said details were still sketchy at the moment.

Archivist: Suthers

RIVER JACK – SPIN OFF

(Pictured above: ooh, she’s got a big one)

Named after a Caribbean river so as to make the title a play on words, which is popular with the young people who make telly these days, this spin-off show saw Captain Jack and River Song meet and team-up for a series of adventures involving guns, high-fives, cheeky innuendos, and kind of plot type things. A general public (that was more than happy to improvise its own sense onto the random events taking place on screen) embraced the show. As long as the two main characters kept winking and joshing and generally being fabulous, the public stayed tuned. That is until Chibnall wrote a two-parter and the whole thing got cancelled.

Not to worry though, the two characters returned in every single episode of The Doctor Who television programme for the rest of its existence.

Every.

Single.

Episode.

That is until Chibnall wrote a two-parter and The Doctor Who television programme got cancelled too.  

Archivist: Garr

Spoilers and Speculation

This is the first of an occasional discussion of things that may or may not have been in the Doctor Who.

Madame Kovarian - Is she the bastard lovechild of Davros and Ian Chesterton?

Madman Davros-ian!!!

It may sound far-fetched, but just think about the evidence for a minute. The first five letters of Kovarian, K,O,V,A,R are an amazing anagram of Davros, except for the spare K, plus the D and S being missing. And what are we left with? I,A,N, which is an anagram of Ian (Chesterton). Intriguingly, Madame sounds very much like Madman (in a box).

Anyone else notice this series of remarkable coincidences that are too remarkable to have been coincidences?

Archivist: Suthers

The Doctor Who and the Rise of the Digits

The fickle fingers of fate FFS

The Doctor Who finds himself reduced to being a mere companion in the midst of a crisis when every right index finger in the universe gains sentience. Nose-pickers are slaughtered in their billions. The Doctor Who's finger takes charge of his life, despite speaking in a high-pitched voice and with all the speech impediments and grammar mistakes associated with extreme adorability. Rose's finger won't stop trying to seduce her. Alas, such a relationship would never work out, as it cannot abide chips.
Archivist: Brainiac Nutjob

The Doctor Who and the Planet of the Twists

The Doctor Who arrives on a planet where, as he puts it, "The probability matrix is broken; you need to get a man in." The seemingly human inhabitants turn out to be vehicles for sentient hamsters. Their mysterious 'miracle substance' that runs everything turns out to be curried eggs. It is revealed that every sentence they say that starts with the word 'and' is a lie, resulting in numerous simultaneous revelations that are very hard to keep track of. The Doctor Who leaves before he gets bitten in the arse by a twist that's relevant to his ongoing storyline. After he does, lightning strikes a nearby rock, splitting it open and revealing that it has two hearts.
Archivist: Brainiac Nutjob

The Doctor Who and Russell T. Davies is a Big Fat Idiot

This already-classic Steven Moffat episode consists of The Doctor Who determining that numerous events from the Davies seasons never occurred and can never ever ever happen again, interspersed with shots of several Davies characters exploding for no apparent reason. One of the greatest episodes of Series Two, Not Series Six, Why The Hell Would You Consider This To Be The Same Bloody Series.
Archivist: Brainiac Nutjob

The Doctor Who and the Umpteenth Bloody Retcon

The Doctor Who (1) and Susan are talking to irritatingly nosey schoolteachers Ian and Barbara in a junkyard when The Doctor Who (8), sporting a new haircut, a new outfit and several fresh wounds, walks into frame and punches The Doctor One in the face. After he storms off, everyone collects themselves and continues talking as normal. While this happens, several the Doctor Whos walk by in the background, trying very hard not to be noticed. The name of the junkyard periodically changes from Foreman's Yard to Totter's Yard, Forman's Yard and Bad Wolf Yard.

Archivist: Brainiac Nutjob