The Doctor Who lands in a spot of bother

"Oh no, John! He's coming back for more. He's the biggest monster of all."

The Jimmy Savile scandal engulfing the BBC spilled over into the world of Doctor Who strips last night after the Time Lord's two youngest companions went to the police.

John and Gillian, who appeared in the long-running drama's BBCTV Comic spin-off, told how they were quite literally drawn into the sordid activities of their temporal tormentor. They complained of inappropriate behaviour by the nine hundred-year-old nonce portrayed in strips when he had them trapped within the crayon-crafted walls of the Tardis.

Gillian told our reporter: "The Doctor Who was relatively well behaved at the beginning when he was properly drawn to resemble the character played by Billy Hartnell on the television. "We would generally then get away with nothing more than a jolly good smack bottom before being sent to bed without any space food, if we had upset the crotchety old fool.

"But the artists couldn't resist turning him into a silver-haired fiend when they began drawing him more to resemble the shell-suited monster from Top of the Pops. Sometimes his appearance became a wildly scribbled confusion of Pertwee, Baker and Glitter and his behaviour became equally bizarre."

John added: "The gruesome Gallifreyan was always careful to hide his vile perversions from the eyes of viewers. He never made any inappropriate advances towards us within the frames of the strip.

"But between those sketched images, out of sight of the comic buyers . . . I'm sorry, but it was just terrible what he did to us."

John's voice faltered as he struggled to regain his composure. He hugged Gillian and they both sobbed as the pain of the memories mixed with relief that their stories of suffering were finally being believed."

A BBCTV Comic insider admitted to us that he had always had his suspicions about the Slime Lord's choice of youngsters to accompany him in his Tardis. He said: "I wish to heaven I'd spoken up earlier. But the Doctor Who was like a god and no one would have believed me.

"John and Gillian seemed especially young and vulnerable to be companions, but I was told he liked them like that. Yes, they were total shite but they didn't deserve this. Adric maybe, but not John and Gillian."

One of the artists who drew the Doctor Who for comics, and who asked to stay anonymous, told us: "These allegations have come as a terrible shock to us. We always drew him as a buffoonish but ultimately respectable adventurer. It is horrific to learn what was going on once we were away from the drawing board and our thoughts must be with poor John and Gillian."

Police said details were still sketchy at the moment.

Archivist: Suthers

Death To Them Daleks

These must be the crappiest Daleks ever. They make their entrance to the music from Andy Pandy but without the lyrics (LOL) and then their guns don't even work (FAIL) and then get beaten up by a bunch of lads with sticks!!! (OWNED). The Daleks are so scared of the lads with the sticks that they team up with The Doctor Who and The George Galloway. The George Galloway tells the Daleks that he salutes their courage, their strength, their indefatigability, and conveys his heartfelt eternal greetings and fraternal support. However, he then goes on to say that they are as immoral as a neo-con cabal, as plutocratic as the 20 year olds who were more popular than him in Big Brother, and as crap as Hitchens (which is true, although at least they are sober). The George Galloway then gets on all fours and pretends to be a cat which totally confuses the Daleks so they are now confused as well as frightened which makes them the super crappiest Daleks ever! (FAIL + OWNED = FAWNED!) These Daleks are so crap that they even play with toy TARDISes! (EPIC FAIL + LOL = EPFALOL!) and they have even taken the toy TARDISes out of their packaging which decreases their value somewhat (EPIC FAIL + OWNED + LOL + OMFG = EPFAWNOLFG).

Anyhoo, an ugly little bollix that sounds like that bear from Avid Merrion's show turns up for a game The Crystal Maze and everyone hides in these lazily dug square holes in the sand that are probably meant to be naturally formed or something and the whole thing is like a rainy seaside holiday with the cousins you hate and everyone keeps rowing and Geordie finds an anomaly in his sand castle but it just turns out to be a ciggie butt that was discarded by a BBC electrician and everything is grand. LOLS!

Archivist: Garr

Dalek

In a peculiar foreshadowing of the Doctor Who the northern's own encounter with a Chumbley, poofy the Doctor Who the third again gets summoned over the space-time visualiser by alien collector Henry van Winkle of UTube, Arizona, this time with companion Jo Grunt. Once again van Winkle has found a new "Monstertron" that he cannot identify. Poofy the Doctor Who agrees to enter the creature's cell and is horrified at what he sees. "I must insist that you let me out immediately" he demands, rapping at the door. "Unless I am very much mistaken, this is a Dalek and not to be trusted." Jo feels a peculiar frisson run through her body and asks if she might take a look.

* * *
A few hours later, and the Doctor Who and Jo Grunt are off up the vortex, leaving everything well, apart from a few dozen Dalek-massacred bodies. They laugh and congratulate themselves on a successful adventure. But three months on and Jo finds the Doctor Who puce with rage after thumbing through his latest issue of Sluts Illustrated. She cannot deny the truth as she is confronted with the shocking image of her naked form draped around the mutant from Skaro.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Gay Of The Daleks

Sir Reginald Piles (no relation to the previously chronicled Reginald Wirrn) goes to a world conference and triggers events that let the Daleks make a prolonged courtesy visit far in the future that is seen as outstaying their welcome and terribly rude. So terrorists come back from the future and kill Sir Reggie so he doesn't make the conference and so events don't allow the Daleks the opportunity to visit and so the terrorists have no reason to go back in time and so Sir Reggie does go to the conference after all and so triggers events that let the Daleks make a prolonged courtesy visit far in the future that is seen as outstaying their welcome and terribly rude. So terrorists come back from the future and kill Sir Reggie so he doesn't make the conference and so events don't allow the Daleks the opportunity to visit and so the terrorists have no reason to go back in time and so Sir Reggie does go to the conference after all and so triggers events that let the Daleks make a prolonged courtesy visit far in the future that is seen as outstaying their welcome and terribly rude. So terrorists come back from the future and kill Sir Reggie so he doesn't make the conference and so events don't allow the Daleks the opportunity to visit and so the terrorists have no reason to go back in time and so Sir Reggie does go to the conference after all and so triggers events that let the Daleks make a prolonged courtesy visit far in the future that is seen as outstaying their welcome and terribly rude. So terrorists come back from the future and kill Sir Reggie so he doesn't make the conference and so events don't allow the Daleks the opportunity to visit and so the terrorists have no reason to go back in time and so Sir Reggie does go to the conference after all. But the Doctor Who the turd steps in and resets the timelines and Jo feels her heart go a-flutter. No one notices that one of the Daleks has broken ranks and is pursuing a homosexualist agenda that will one day, far in the future, dominate the show's existence.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and the Trouble on the Brig

The Doctor Who the third gets an emergency call from UNIT. The Brigadier has started behaving oddly, cross-dressing and shaving his legs. Now he has stolen a time bracelet because it was soooo his colour and disappeared into the space-time continuum. The Doctor Who seeks the help of an earlier, albeit crochety version of himself and discovers that the Brigadier has set up a new colony of transvestites on planet Kembel, wrapped himself in tight Spandex and reinvented himself as Brent Nylon. The Doctor Who the crochety orders the Brig back to his proper place in space and time but he has a tantrum and cries: "Shan't, shan't, shan't and shan't." The Doctor Who sets his old friends the Daleks onto the colony but they just stay to discover their feminine side. Katarina decides she'll have a go but gets sucked through a rip in the reality field into an Edwardian London townhouse in the early 20th century where Mr Hudson and Mrs Bridges give her the "John and Gillian" treatment. Racked with guilt, Brent tears off his vile outfit, returns to Earth and resumes his former, military duties.

Archivist: Suthers

Doctor Who and Till Death To The Daleks Us Do Part

The Doctor Who number three has only just got to Exillon when all the lights go out. Slumped in his armchair, he turns on Sarah Jane: "What've you done now, yer silly moo?" "I expect the meter has run out," his long-suffering companion replies, barely looking up from her knitting, "cos you go and spend all your money down the pub." "Shut up, you old moo!" says the Doctor Who. John and Gillian, sprawled on the sofa, seem delighted at the power cut though John is a bit concerned they might miss the match on TV. "If they paid the miners a proper wage, we wouldn't have power cuts," he argues. John starts to argue for the merits of a people's republic but this inflames the Doctor Who. "Shut up and listen, you Scouse git," he snarls, "you might learn something." "Oh will you stop arguing," wails Gillian. The Doctor Who gets all overcome and begins to gush over Her Majesty. But then there is a knock at the door. Their neighbours the Daleks - or Da'kies, as the Doctor Who calls them - say their power has failed too and can they borrow a cup of sugar. "Bleedin' scroungers," moans the Doctor Who. "We should send 'em all back to Skaro." The Daleks point out they were just leaving anyway. Then their spaceship blows up, the lights come back on and the Doctor Who and John go down the boozer.

Archivist: Suthers

The Monstrous Monster of Pelhamadon One Two Three

HR Pufnstuf is causing trouble on the Peladon underground, refusing to pay his fare, being very drunk, all that. The Doctor Who shows up meets the eyeball headed lady boy and a few new residents of Peladon, like Ortron, Thalira, Blor and Scargill. Anyway, turns out that the Ice Warriors are being dicks again, getting Pufnstuf drunk, so the Doctor says "ah lads, why, you were doing so well and everything" and the Ice Warriors just look at their feet and giggle a bit. Geordie, haroon haroon haroon haroon, anomaly, haroon haroon haroon, grand.

Archivist: Garr

The Planet of the Massive Scary Spiders

This bloke called Lupton is drunk all the time and acting like a dick. He puts a spider on Sarah Jane's back and it's massive. The Doctor sees this other spider and it's so big and huge and scary that it causes his eyes to bulge and his hair to curl. Archivist: Garr

The Five Doctor Whos

A powerful force takes five early Doctor Whos out of the time stream, forgetting that there are actually millions of Doctor Whos around, or even an infinite number like, following the magical correction of the 12 regenerations lark in 2015. One of the Doctor Whos pulls out anyway, preferring to punt his bird up the canal instead. The Doctor Whos keep running into each other and all sort of old friends drop in including the Daleks, Cybermen and Chumblies. Finally they bid the powerful force farewell, thank it for having them and return to their normal lives.

Archivist: Suthers

Coke Head from Space

The first adventure for one of the most popular incarnations of The Doctor Who, Frank Bough.

The Doctor Who discovers that the TARDIS has been disabled by the BBC as punishment for past indiscretions involving car key parties and an exotic substance that goes by the name of Charlie.

Meanwhile: the Nestle Consciousness is using monsters made out of chocolate to take over the world. The Doctor Who enlists the aid of the Milky Bar Kid in defeating the sweet tasting foe. As The Doctor Who fights the terrifyingly lethargic Nestle Consciousness, the Milky Bar Kid melts it with a hair dryer. Oh, and this poacher finds a Terry’s Chocolate Orange but he hides it away and doesn’t share any with his wife, greedy pig.

The Milky Bar Kid stays on as the new The Doctor Who’s assistant.

Archivist: Garr