Doctor Who and the Curse of Impossible Recycling

Domino's Pizzas, Washington

The White House. A phone is ringing.

Doctor Who the Northern: "It's ringin'. How is it ringin'?"

Nixon: "Hello"

Silence.

Nixon: "This is the President."

Child's voice: "Are you my mummy?"

Nixon: "This is the President of the United States."

Doctor Who: "Hello, is that Domino's? I'd like to order a pizza."

Nixon: "This is the President of the United States. Who is this?"

Child's voice: "Are you my mummy?"

Nixon: "Is it you again?"

Doctor Who: "No, it's me. I'd like to order a pizza."

Nixon: How did you get this number?"

Child's voice: "Look behind you!"

Doctor Who: "Fook off kid, I'm tryin' to order a pizza."

Nixon: "There is nothing behind me."

Child's voice: "They're everywhere. The spaceman told me."

Doctor Who: "I fookin' did not. And I want extra pineapple."

Child's voice: "Please. You've got to look behind you."

Nixon: "There are no pizzas in the Oval Office."

Silence falls.


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The Doctor Who in the Nip

Tosh becomes The Doctor Who's companion and hangs around the TARDIS being weird. The two start banging on the cloister bell and screaming "Haroon Haroon Haroon Haroon" into the early hours and when Rose comes in to complain they are rude to her and say things like "are you still here?" which causes Rose to go off to that empty swimming pool place alone and cry into her chips.

Then the Daleks start a war but The Doctor Who and Tosh stop it by staying in bed for days on end, going around in the nip, and scrawling strange words like 'wish' on the TARDIS roundels.

Eventually, the Master has had enough of all this nonsense so he disguises himself as a dedicated Whovian and shoots The Doctor Who. Tosh commemorates The Doctor Who by having sweatshop Ood stitch the word 'fantastic' into Nike's latest footwear product.
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Doctor Who and the Last Great Dime War

Rose wakes to find that the northern Doctor Who is no longer by her side. She runs through the Tardis's labyrinthian corridors to find him seated by the console, his head in his hands, deep in contemplation.

"Hello an'at," she says by way of greeting. "Wassa matter wiv you then? You're not finking abaht bloody planet Ireland again are you?"

The Doctor Who looks up. "I was there Rose. I was there for the last great Dime War. When no one had a dime. I saw it happen. I made it happen. The whole country burned, the people's money all lost."

Rose reached out a hand to touch the shoulder of the man she loved. "But everyfink turned out all right, didn't it?"

"No Rose. I lost everything. We were wiped out by the evil Dail-eks. The Dime Lords from Gallifrey's IMForeman junk bond branch tried to save us with a loan but we had to sell the whole planet to our deadly enemies the Brits as a theme park..." The Doctor Who's voice trailed away.

Rose wonders what she can say to help. But all she can blurt out is: "Can I 'ave some chips?"

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The Drunken Doctor Who Goes Bad

The Doctor Who becomes an alcoholic during a stint when he breaks off from saving the universe to work as a plumber on Metabilis 3 to raise a bit of cash for granddaughter Susan's wedding.

When he discovers that Davros's cheque has bounced, he smashes up the planet and escapes by taxi.

His new evil persona leads the Doctor Who to steal £20,000 that the taxi driver asked him to look after in the back of the cab. It is discovered to have been forged by his deadly enemies the Chumblies and he is sent to jail.

The Doctor Who thinks it is just like that time in Bad Wolf when he was incarcerated aboard Satellite Seven - but this time he deserves it for his evil.



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Inflatable Doctor Who and the Nudist Colony from Space - Part 2

OK, by popular demand, and since a commission of Inflatable Doctor Who by the BBC seems IMMINENT, I'm delivering Episode Two of our exciting new story.

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Inflatable Doctor Who and the Nudist Colony from Space

This is being archived IN ADVANCE to make sure the BBC don't conveniently go and lose it when it is put to the production team. Click to make it bigger and to enjoy the full dramatic effect! It will be continued when commissioned!!

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Boob Town

The Doctor Who the northern and Rose appear to have got their relationship back on track. But she notices he's getting home later and later every night from his new job in Cardiff. "It's OK. I've just got a lot on," he says when she challenges him. "But I don't even know what it is you do," she complains. The Doctor Who sits Rose down and, idly twiddling her minge, explains how he is a top scientific advisor. "Wot, like wot you was before for UNIT?" she asks, stuffing her face with chips. "That's right," says the Doctor Who, "except in those days I was helping taffy grow big fat luminous maggots. Now, by 'eck, I'm advising on an exciting new project t' build power stations." Rose seems happy with his answer. But next night, as she is going out for some chips, she spots him in the local bistro apparently canoodling with a rather large lady. Rose bursts in and confronts the pair. "Er, it's OK," says the Doctor Who. "This is t' Mayor, my boss. We're just, er, discussing power plant." Rose runs from the restaurant, cheeks flushed. How could she be so foolish and humiliate the man she loves. She feels more relaxed as she dusts around the Tardis, until a glance at the time-space visualiser reveals the terrible truth. For the Doctor Who has failed to log out, and the screen is filled with a vile, flesh-filled page of debauchery from the Big Buxom Wenches website for bouncing-boob lovers. "Damn you Peri, screams Rose. "Damn you for inciting this lust in the Doctor Who that can now never be sated."

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The Doctor Who Chances

Continued from The Empty Bitch

Rose awakens from a terrible dream where Mr Meldrew's army of zombies are attacking the Doctor Who the northern. Her Doctor Who. Then reality hits her and she is filled with despair at the memories of the night before. Fighting to see through the tears, she makes her way to the console room. "He said stay in your room, slag," shouts John from his prison cell. "No, you must go to him," calls Gillian. And now Rose is speeding, half naked, through the streets, daisy petals falling from her minge. And she is running through the hospital's cold corridors, the walls are a blur. She can hear his voice. Rose bursts into the room. "I'm so sorry, Doct..." And suddenly she freezes. For he is there. But so is Jack. Captain Jack Rimmer. And the Doctor Who is showing Jack his banana. Rose turns and runs. "Rose! Rose!!" cries the Doctor Who the northern. "Go to her, Doctor Who," says Captain Jack. "You need her." And now the Doctor Who is running through the corridors. He catches up with Rose. They fall into each other's arms. Racked with guilt, Jack turns, fires up the Red Dwarf and shoots off into space. But then a strange thing happens. As the Doctor Who and Rose gaze into each other's eyes they realise they both need Jack. And racing to the Tardis, they set course for their next destination, the Red Dwarf. And the Doctor Who cries; "Just this once, everybody loves!"

'For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Rose and her Homeo'

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Doctor Who and the Empty Bitch

You can cut the tension with a knife. The honeymoon is over for the Doctor Who the northern and Rose and don't they just know it. "Where you going'" "I'm goin' to comedy club." "When are you coming back?" "1941." "Are you taking the whippets?" "What's it to you, bitch..." How could it ever come to this? And the recriminations. "So you're back then, as 'eck as like." "Yeah, well, you seem to have 'ad a good time." "Who was he?" "He was no one. Just... Jack. Someone who made me laugh." "Are you my mummy?" "Fook off, kid." "But why, Rose. I love you." "It's not enough. And where's me chips?" "Are you my mummy?" "I told you to fook off." "Don't do this to me, Doctor Who." "I gave you fookin' everything." "Where are you going?" "Out." "Where?" "The 'ospital. Victor Meldrew's doing a charity gig, so you can fook off with Captain fookin' Jack." "But you twiddled daisies in me minge." "Face it, bitch. It's over. Go to your room!" Silence.

To be continued!

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Doctor Who and the Invasion of the ITV Monsters

Flashback time and Jackie is telling a bedtime story to baby Rose but Rose asks, once again, about her non-existent Dad and Jackie says, "I told you he was a lumberjack and a tree fell on him in Canada," yeah, right! And baby Rose plots revenge on the man who made her a bastard...
Fast forward and the Doctor Who the northern is leaning, with his arms crossed on the Tardis and staring like he does, and she tells him about evil Dad. And he says, "when I said the Tardis could travel in time like," and she says, "yeah but you were twiddling daisies in my minge and that," And then he giggles and suggests why don't they go back in time and find Mr so-called Dad and push him under a car or something!! Brilliant! But Rose gets it wrong, like a girl, first time and the Doctor Who has to go back in time again and do it himself. But then something terrible happens. Someone flicking the telly back and forth between the Doctor Who and Buck Rogers or some shit has caused a tear in the space-time TV continuum and now the pterodactyls off of Primeval on ITV are all invading Doctor Who. But the Doctor Who don't care cos he is getting all loved up with Rose again and they're off up the vortex.

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The John and Gillian Adventures (Spin-off)

Sunday afternoon in John and Gillian's cramped attic in Shoreditch. Gillian attempts to do the ironing and ignore John's constant hectoring. John slouches on a nearby armchair and makes pointed remarks about Gillian's wealthy background, calling her "the good Lady Pusillanimous" and generally belittling her. The hectoring grows into a tirade and concludes in a physical confrontation, resulting in the ironing board overturning and Gillian's arm getting a burn. John storms out the front door.

Gillian calls on her old pal the Doctor Who (a.k.a. Grandfather?) to help and he duly arrives. However, when the Doctor Who comes in the door Gillian sees that he has regenerated into a fierce plug-eared northern man (Alan Sillitoe stylee) in a leather jacket who has finally gone too far and wiped out two whole species. "You're hurt because everything's changed", Gillian tells him, "and John's hurt because everything's stayed the same". The Doctor Who regrets dumping John and Gillian back into the mundane existence they sought to escape almost as much as he regrets wiping out his entire species because he was angry and Northern and life's unfair unless you're a fancy southern sort.

The Doctor Who takes Gillian away for an adventure involving things that look quite like Daleks (but aren't because they couldn't get permission from Mr. Nation's estate) and John returns to find a note. John then takes up with Gillian's friend who looks a bit like Leela (only with jeans and t-shirt drawn on her and with a new name) however this doesn't last long when Gillian returns and resumes her relationship with John. John breaks down and roars something about how the Doctor showed them the stars and furthest reaches of space and the most remarkable things. He asks Gillan how she can go back to "all this blah, blah, blah?" He roughly grabs Gillian's shoulders and demands that she scream or roar or at least say something. Tears brim in Gillian's eyes and all she can do is turn away from her deranged lover and bury her head in her hands. She mutters something about being pregnant. The lights dim, the curtain descends, Geordie notices an anomaly that may indicate that John and Gillian are, in fact, brother and sister ...but no one really cares and it's grand.

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Ass Reunion ...or something.

The Doctor Who and Rose (bottom throbbing from a discreet late night 'correction' at the hands of The Doctor Who as Mickey slept) travel to a school where The Doctor Who says they will get the chance to redden many a young posterior. However, the school is not quite the St. Trinian's The Doctor Who expected and corporeal punishment has been outlawed some decades by the time they arrive. Anyhoo, they meet Sarah Jane and Sarah Jane tells The Doctor Who that she loved him and Rose doesn't like this because she loves The Doctor Who because he's like a lively little puppy dog that gets sad sometimes and needs saving and has great bed hair, aww. The Doctor Who meets Buffy's dad, or whoever he is meant to be, at a swimming pool. There is a lot of tension at the pool and it's a bit like the old Bronski Beat video where Jimmy Sommerville makes eyes at that thug down the municipal baths and, as if that's not enough, Buffy's dad is called 'Head', give me a break, they are like soooo doing it. Anyway Mickey tells K9 that he loves The Doctor Who and K9 says that he loved The Doctor Who too and even used soooo hump his leg. And these giant bats get school kids to do their maths ekker (70s Dublin parlance for homework) and they love The Doctor Who and they are sooo doing it as were Bill and Ben the Flower Pot Men, Bond and Blofeld (see, there it is again, BLO...feld), Laurel and Hardy, the Lone Ranger and Tonto, Tom and Jerry, Simon and Garfunkle, Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant, Noan Chomsky and Christopher Hitchens, Keith Harris and Orville, John Noakes and Shep, Rodgers and Hammerstein, Ro-Jaws and Hammerstein, Darth Vader and Obi-Wan, mods and rockers, God and Satan, matter and anti-matter, the beginning and the end, night and day, the sun and the moon, smoke and mirrors, snakes and ladders, swings and roundabouts, boom and bust, things and other things associated in anyway with those things, your left shoe and your right shoe (of the pair your wearing right now), Amnesty International and violations of human rights, Wembley Stadium and that huge beam of light from that 80s Quatermass where John Mills played Quatermass, and, finally, Geordi and his anomalies. Grand.

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The Slipper and the Rose

Rose runs back into the Tardis, her eyes brimming with tears, and throws herself sobbing onto the bed. How could she be so foolish as to abandon dear, sweet, faithful Mickey for this feckless, cowardly, northern stranger. She feels so trapped and so very far from home. "We tried to warn you, slag," laughs John from his cell across the way. And then the Doctor Who the ninth is back, standing in the doorway, his shadow falling across the counterpane. Rose glances at him. He is holding a slipper. Her crying subsides. "You've been a very naughty girl, Rose," says the Doctor Who, tapping the item of footwear gently in the palm of his hand. "I'm going to have to punish you." Rose lifts an eyebrow. Then her mouth curls into a smile. "You're going to have to catch me first," she giggles.

* * *
An hour later and her thighs are burning but Rose's cries and laughter still echo through the Tardis's labyrinth of corridors. All is well and Rose is happy that she stayed. But as she lies face down and closes her eyes with a contented smile, the Doctor Who appears strangely troubled. His mind is far away, on a distant world with mountains, orange skies and silver-leafed trees, remembering some very different slap 'n tickle such a long, long time ago.

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Chumbley

The Doctor Who the northern gets summoned over the time-space visualiser by alien collector Henry van Winkle of UTube, Arizona, who has found a new "Monstertron" that he cannot identify. The Doctor Who agrees to enter the creature's cell and is horrified at what he sees. "Lemme out!" he cries, hammering on the door. "It's a feckin' Chumbley!" Rose is shocked at this show of weakness from the man she once loved. "Let me look," she says. Before her, in chains, stands a multi-domed alien around a meter tall, sprouting a number of rod-like arms and with its balls dangling to the floor. Rose reaches out to touch the creature. They both feel the electricity flow between them. There is a passion, a chemistry there that has long gone between her and the Doctor Who.

* * *
An hour later and Rose and the Chumbley, now in a state of relaxed collapsedness, are lying sprawled across the cell floor, the gentle light from van Winkle's torture apparatus playing on their naked bodies. Rose's body hair is newly decorated with Drahvin daisies from Galaxy 4. She is nibbling chips. She has never known such joy. But then their peace is shattered by a pathetic whimper through the cell's closed door. "Rose, 'ave you killed t'feckin' monster yet? Is it safe t'come in?"

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Doctor Who and the Rose

Rose ran from the store, freed from the loveless clutches of those ugly automatons. And there he was again, his arms folded and leaning on that strange blue box. He stared straight into Rose's eyes, with a perfect, fearless, impersonal look. He made her feel shy. "Do yer wanna come with me, as 'eck as like?" he asked. "With me and whippets?" Confusion filled Rose's mind. Yes, she was tied to Mickey, confined as he was to that infernal wheelchair, yet she had no wish to remain a demi-vierge, trapped like a cage-bird. Rose wanted to cry out, yes, yes, yes! But she bit her lip and stayed silent. Then the Doctor Who the ninth asked again: "Do yer wanna come with me, bitch?" And Rose heard herself reply: "Whatever."

* * *
The flickering light from the console played over their naked bodies as they lay sprawled across the Tardis floor. The Doctor Who was coiling Rose's body hair around the daisies that they had picked in the garden. "Eee but th'art deep to fook," he told her. "Yer little koont, as 'eck as like." She giggled a shy girl's giggle and watched him slowly subside. And then she asked him: "Can we 'ave some chips?"

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Doctor Who meets Terry and Judoon

The Doctor Who (9) lands outside a typical suburban semi in Purley where he spots his old friend Terry Leptil in a tizz because his boss is coming to dinner! Doctor Who folds his arms, like he does, and leans back against the Tardis to observe events...
An agitated Terry examines the fish tank in his dining room.
Terry: Judoooon, JUDOOOOOOON!!
Judoon Whitfield: What is it now, Terry?
Terry: You haven't forgotten the boss is coming to dinner, have you? It is so important that I get this promotion.
Judoon: No Terry, of course I haven't forgotten, that's why the prawn cocktail, cheese fondu and black forest gateau are defrosting on the table.
Terry: I'm going to sit the boss here, just in front of the fishtank. I'm just a bit worried about the tiny crack that has appeared in the glass, but a spot of Blu-tak should make it OK, providing it has been invented yet.
Judoon: OK, Terry. I just hope he won't be disturbed by the strange bubbling and fizzing noises coming from your home-made wines and beers next to his chair!!
A few hours later, boss emerges from house, red-faced with rage and covered in fish piss, fetid tank water, exploding beer and wine, with tropical fish hanging over his hair and shoulders.
Terry: So Sir, Sir? Did I get the promotion?!!

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Doctor Who and the Two-Jagsrafess

The Doctor Who the ninth and his girlfriend Rose stop off at Sky TV's Satellite Five with their new companion, Ben Chatham off of Corrie, to buy some chips in the canteen. The Doctor Who pops up to the boardroom to discover that evil Earth leader John Prescott has evolved into the Mighty Two-Jagsrafess and is controlling the space station in a bid to get revenge on Chumbawamba, creator of the Chumblies, for his earlier drenching. The Doctor Who tells Rose that they must escape but Ben has been held up getting a microchip fitted so he doesn't get lost. They flee just in time. But being all loved-up like, the Doctor Who fail to spot on the space-time visualiser that Chumbawamba has assembled a vast fleet of Chumblies spaceships and is preparing to invade.

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