Doctor Who and the Crossover Conference

"..and then the Doctor Who says: 'Get out of my Tardis you baked old bat. Back to the Amazon with you, Jo Grant'. Credits roll. Da-dah!" Wide-eyed, RTD settled his enormous frame back in his chair, looking equally enormously pleased with himself.

Moffat stared disbelievingly for several seconds at the sweaty buffoon sitting across his desk. "I'm sorry Russell, it ain't gonna happen. He's my Doctor Who now and..."

"Sarah Jane is my show," interjected the excited oaf.

"He's my Doctor Who and, well, I can see I'm going to have to vet this script very closely," insisted the curly-haired showrunner. "But let's get back to the plot. Can you run it past me again?"

RTD was quivering with excitement like a giant jelly. Well, it's called Death of the Doctor and everyone thinks that the Doctor Who is dead. And it turns out he isn't!"

The Mighty Moff pondered for a moment. "Remind me of some of your previous storylines. What was that Weakest Link one again?"

"Oh yes," Russell with a proud chortle, "That was Bad Wolf where Rose got zapped and everyone thought she was dead - but she wasn't!"

Moffat sighed. "And what about Doomsday? You know, 'This is the story of how I died?'"

"Ha ha!" came the reply. "Yes, that's the one where everyone thought Rose was going to die. But she didn't. I had them all going with that one."

The Moff rolled his eyes, sensing a theme. "And The Stolen Earth?"

"Oh yes, I was very pleased with that one. The Doctor Who got zapped by a Dalek and everyone thought he was going to die. But - big surprise - he siphoned off the energy from his hand, his handy spare hand. And, er, he didn't."

Steven had had enough. He flicked the switch on his intercom and called one word. "Security!"

Archivist: Suthers

The Mine Drobber

In a bid to 'Turn on, tune in and drop out' Zoe Herriot spikes the Tardis sandwiches with LSD and the whole jolly crew lie on the floor for five weeks having a gestalt hallucination. All their favourite characters from books come to visit them. Doctor Who's favourite books are, of course, the Target novels and so he relives all of his past and future apart from one or two adventures that are annoyingly missed out. He wakes from the bad trip muttering "what exactly was the second segment of the Key to Time?". He flips the fast return switch and they do it all over again. Caught in such a dreadful paradox, the show is almost cancelled after the 12 consecutive repeat of The Mine Drobber.

Archivist: Ogronic

The Invision

Zoe again causes mayhem when she decides to become a fashion model. She insists that she does a series of highly suspect photo-shoots, ending in one where she and Isobel are encouraged to lock lips dressed only in feather boas. Meanwhile, Soho porn baron Tobias Vaughn is creating a race of 'fetish-men' for himself and his slave who goes by the nickname 'Packer'. The Doctor is drawn into the seedy world through chasing Zoe and discovers Vaughn's dastardly plans. He gets a sound spanking from Jamie and they whisk Zoe off onto more adventures.

Archivist: Ogronic